Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Father of Mine


I love those Bush twins. Since the attempted passing off of a fake ID with Secret Service in tow, I’ve been smitten. Now, I don’t often mention the following, well, because, I just don’t. Cue soap opera style flashback to the year 2000.

Mom: So honey, who are you voting for?
Me: I dunno. I’ll never forgive Tipper Gore for that whole PMRC label on Hair Bands in the late 80’s. So, I guess I’m voting for Bush because his redeeming quality is that he looks like Daddy.
Mom: Jesus Christ, he does. I was just telling your father that the other day.

(Of course this resemblance wasn’t as funny by the 2004 election. We all voted for Kerry because drunken Boston Irishmen with bad hair and exaggerated hand gestures are something we Connecticutters can relate to, more than a family resemblance at least.)

To this day, I find it hard to malign GW because he reminds me of my dad. My younger, longer-grudge-bearing, Iraqi-hating, misplaced-war-declaring, dad. The GW similarities to my Dad don’t stop at physical.

I love when Jenna says bye to her mom, and GW tries to hang up on her too, not understanding that he’s supposed to stay on the phone. (No no dude, you’re the President. They want to talk to you!) Or at the end where Ellen says, “Do you want to say Merry Christmas to the audience?” to which he says, “Of course I do! Tell my little girl that I love her!” Um, what? Technically that wasn’t a Merry Christmas to the audience. Totally my dad. Certifiably “out of it” 24/7. (Cue Will Ferrell as GW: That’s 24 hours a week, 7 months a year…)

Let’s recap a recent conversation. Sadly, this reveals our family weakness and makes me look stupid in the process, but I’m not sure what you expected from someone who admittedly votes for Presidents based on their patriarchal likeness. My family has a thing for coupons and rebates. We enjoy them. We love coming up with hundreds of addresses to maximize returns on the mail-in rebate. See, the mail-in-rebate is designed as a “perceived” savings to the consumer, but in the long run (hello Econ 101) really only benefits the seller because most people wouldn’t take the time to fill it out and jump through the hoops required to satisfy the condition for that extra dollar to be mailed in 12-97 weeks. But we’re not “most people.” We like a challenge. And free money! I can practically smell the cash!

Me: Hey, Mom? Is Dad there?
Mom (to the house:) PICK UP THE PHONE IT’S THE BABY!!!!!
(Shut up. I’ll always be the baby.)
Dad (picking up the phone:)
Me: Hey, I got this coupon you sent for $10. But those were cash rebates we filled out. Did you run out of addresses or something? Why are they sending a coupon?
Dad: I’ll check.
Me: No, there’s nothing to check. You sent this to me. I got the coupon from you. It came from you with all these newspaper clippings, which, by the way, please stop sending me. I know what herpes looks like.
Dad: That’s not me, that’s your mother.
Me: Dad! The coupon. Where did it come from?
Dad: I deposited the rebate. Your brother told me to.
(This comment accurately implies a massive family plot. I can’t deny this. We all have roles in rebate-gate.)
Me: No. I’m talking about the one you just sent me. I just got it in the mail. From you. They should have sent a check, but if you used your address twice, they might not. They might send a coupon instead.
Dad: Yes.
Me: It wasn’t a yes or no question Dad.
Dad: I don’t know.
Me: Are you talking to me or someone else? Is Mom still on?
Mom: I’m here.
Me: Is he okay? What the hell is he saying?
Mom: He’s like this all day honey. No one ever knows what he’s saying.
Me: Dad, is someone toying with your medicine?
Dad: Who?
Mom: The train is coming honey. We’re going into the city. We’ll call you back.
Me: No. Please don’t.
Mom: I can’t hear you. We’ll call you back.

I wanted to let it go to voicemail when they called back. But my mother will sit there talking to the voicemail going, “Hello? Are you there? Pick up if you are,” not realizing of course, that it’s all inside that itty bitty computer and there’s no answering machine connected to my cell phone that I just carry around with me. Perhaps that’s better than Jenna and her dad though, I think I heard her tell Ellen that her parents don’t have an answering machine.

Excellent. Mine have one, though they don’t believe in call waiting. Maybe if it came with a rebate…


  1. MA

    My mom is a rebate person as well! She will take the time to fill out the work. The only time I tried to get a rebate was on my cell phone and the company said that I didn’t properly send in all of the paperwork. I did, but was stupid and forgot to keep copies.

    It made me sad and not want to have to deal with rebates.

  2. barbara

    Absolutely hilarious, and no you don’t look stupid. What I want to know is did you ever get the rebate in question?

    I would love to see statistics (including demographics) about how many people actually send in rebates.

  3. Arjewtino

    That conversation with your parents cracked me up. Probably because it reminded me so much of my own parents, in particular my mom, who doesn’t quite get the whole “technology” thing.

  4. Sweet Escape

    My dad signs IMs with “Love, Dad” as if they were emails.

  5. Patsy

    We joke that my parents actually paid full-price to adopt me. I have a hard time believing they bought me without some kind of cash-back incentive.

    Btw, I didn’t vote for Gore either, and for the same reasons. Long live 80’s hair bands!

  6. homeimprovementninja

    I still think we might be related somehow. Although your peoples cuisine (and alphabet) is vastly different from my peoples, I think that wacky parents are the yogurt sauce that holds together the souvlaki of humanity. Does not all our lives revolve around familial dysfunction like gyros around a spit that’s not approved by the health dept?

  7. Amy

    The redemption rate for rebates usually averages around 1%.

  8. Muskego Jeff

    My dad sends me photocopies of articles on colon cancer, which he highlighted for me. He always writes “Go see Dr. Jellyfinger, make a new friend.” at the bottom.

    My wife wonders where I get it from…

  9. Velvet

    MA – Oh, you amateur. You HAVE to keep the copies!

    Barbara – Instead of the rebate, I got a coupon for the same amount – $10 – off the next bag of dog food. It really doesn’t matter, $10 cash is the same as $10 off the food, since the dogs still need to eat. It’s not like it was a computer with a mail-in rebate and they gave me a coupon for another computer. Thankfully that didn’t happen.

    Arjewtino – HELLO? ARE YOU THERE??? PICK UP!!!

    SweetEscape – Do you ever get calls that say “hello SweetEscape! It’s dad!” I do.

    Patsy – Tipper is still dead to me!

    Ninja – Oh, hells no, I’m not related to those lunatics you call your sister and her friends oh my god, I’m still in therapy from that day. And please tell your mom I AM NOT A LESBIAN! I JUST HAVE (HAD) A HARLEY!!!

    Amy – That sounds about right.

    Jeff – I had to stop the articles. I called and said, “NO MORE OR ALL YOUR MAIL WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU!” Then they said, “Is that the only reason you’re calling?” I said, “Yes.” They hung up.

  10. Drunken Chud

    hahahahahaha. sadly, my old man is somewhat similar, and has the makings of becoming like that. at the tender young age of 48, he’s working hard at heading down that road. he’ll be sitting there, and just start talking. he will start mid sentence, and be talking about a conversation from a couple days ago. we will sit there and look at him with blank stares until he stops talking and then ask, “what the hell are you talking about?” and then he rewinds and catches us up. but he always acts really annoyed that we didn’t follow his complete lapse in consciousness.

  11. James, Etta

    You had me at “I know what herpes looks like.”

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