I have to take a break from the oh so riveting posts about interviewing to bring you a special announcement. I have chosen this public forum to tell Sixes and Sevens something she doesn’t know.
Sixes and Sevens officially ruined another hot, perfectly heterosexual man.
Do you remember Hot Neighbor? The one who spewed his spunk all over Sixes and Seven’s face? Well, he sent me a text on Sunday morning. The volley went something like this. Actually, it went exactly like this:
Hot Neighbor: I had a threesome last night.
Velvet: Oh. My. God. Two girls?
Hot Neighbor: No. Another guy and a girl. Are you going to be home today?
Velvet: Other than a run, I’ll be here. (Not the runs, a run. I have to clarify for I66 because he likes to make fun.)
Hot Neighbor: I’ll come over and tell you about it.
The events that ensued were a blur of a drunken evening, with a woman at a bar in Adam’s Morgan (a variation: Adam’s Whoregan) and a triple kiss starring Hot Neighbor, this woman with very loose morals (Sixes and Sevens, she trumps even you) and a man who happens to be engaged…to another man.
The unlikely threesome moved off to the woman’s house, where, much like an episode of Bugs Bunny, each chased the other into and out of rooms.
Heh. That’s my favorite episode of Bugs Bunny. The Monster with his sneakers. I have several Monster stuffed animals, and once had a Monster glass but it broke…oh…wait, this post is not about me. Sorry.
Eventually the unlikely three end up in the same bed where the Gay Man has real, live, heterosexual intercourse with the woman while she blows Hot Neighbor, who admittedly fucked her mouth very hard as he discovered the ecstasy of a finger in his ass, attached to the arm attached to the body of a gay man.
Wow. Need a cheat sheet? A diagram? Yeah, me too.
Okay, so if you followed that visual, then you are ready for more. The three finish off, not before the gay man tossed the salad of one Hot Neighbor who then spanked the woman’s ass raw then came all over her. They finally fell asleep. Hot Neighbor woke up a few hours later and tried to stealthily creep out of her house, until she woke up and asked him what his name was for his number. He put it in her phone, but he’s since only heard from the gay man.
Great job Sixes and Sevens. Fucking Great. I had a perfectly hot, straight neighbor in this building and he’s now bi. I blame you, because YOU are the one who threatened to fuck him with a strap-on! Once you opened up that box, Pandora, it was all over.
I’m off to see Sixes and Sevens this weekend in the hinterlands where she will be spanked for her sins. We plan on shopping at Wal-Mart and going to a redneck bar or four. If you end up in a podunk town in Pennsyltuckey and see two black-haired witches in a pickup truck, don’t worry. That’s just us.
Oh how I love this post. And yes, it took me a couple of re-reads to understand the mechanics involved.
And while I agree that a straight man now bi may feel like a bad thing… If he is HOT, then with him being bi doesn’t everybody win?
OMG. That’s my crowning achievement. Seriously. Wow. I didn’t know the power I have. (takes a bow)
Ok, well let’s just say that I had a little more to do with this than just the threat of pegging him. I too treated him to the finger and although it’s not the finger of a gay man, it’s one of a woman who SHOULD be a gay man. so there.
I am so proud of him, I might tear up. Please tell him that he’s the man of my dreams! My protege!
(and my basement is prime spanking territory! I’ll tell you WHY later….)
Don’t forget the nipple clamps. I think I saw that sneaker Monster in a toy bin last night (see MY post).
P.S. Good call on I-66. The kid should have been a sniper. He could pick the wings off a fly at 50 yards.
NSLW – Well, I for one don’t win. I don’t mess with men who have messed with men. Not that I would ever hook up with a neighbor. And not that I would ever hook up with someone after Sixes and Sevens got to him (cause really, why bother now, they’ve already had the sundae, why show up with a couple crushed walnuts) so I don’t know what I’m crying about.
Sixes and Sevens – Heh. You said crowning in a post about bisexuals. I’m laughing all alone over here.
Cube – The MONSTER rules. I love him. And I66 as sniper…very good. I remember when he put in a comment once, :::throwing snowball at Cube::: and that was all! He’s hilarious.
A small correction – not to take away any of 6&7s glory but the pegging was never a threat but rather a suggestion made by myself. I was a kinkster long before that truck driver.
My God, Can’t this woman be Stopped? The next thing you know she’ll be bringing. . . Wait, What do I care? Rock On with both of your Bad selves!
P.S. The pic of Hot Neighbor still looks like he’s…Challanged.
Wow. Clearly, a searing achievment in literature. You need to write a screenplay.
Right. He’s right. He even wrote it down. It was his idea.
Although Velvie can back me up that I’ve been torturing the men for a while with my repertoire of kinky acts.
And she called me a sundae! Aww, you know it was YOU VELVIE, that introduced me to many of my victims (ahem) I mean, men…Rusty, Neighbor, LMNTool, and encouraged the online dating….riiight? don’t deny it. you always have a hand (dare I say finger) in my sexplotations!
Yes, I introduced you to Rusty and you made him hate DC more. I also introduced you to the Neighbor and you made him Bi. I take credit for those two respectable citizens.
Now, did you mention LmnTool on this blog? That lowlife piece of lying lemming shit? Really? Ugh. That name is at the bottom of my shit crack with a few others who I truly, honestly, hope can one day look in the mirror and say, “My name is LmnTool and I’m definitely a douchebag.”
well I did make him want me and then ignored him. you have to appreciate that. And you know what he “may have loved me as much as [insert picture of his ex here]”.
You did like some of the others to some degree.
Hot Neighbor – I love that you called her a truck driver. That is awesome. And she really is now.
Bill – That’s the hottest Italian guy I could find a pic of and you think he’s challenged? Shit! I’ll have to try harder next time.
E – I think this screenplay will write itself, don’t you?
Sixes – I’ll never forget your famous last words: “See, this is why I don’t deal with people who live way the fuck out in the burbs, because they wanna come to the big city and stay the night. I don’t want them staying the night.”
I still can’t believe Tool the fool pulled out pictures of his ex and compared you to her. You know that I’ve heard he’s done that several times since.
And I still say you also ruined Rusty with that last “incident.” This is why Hot Neighbor was perfect for you. You could say to him, “Can you brand me with a branding iron on my nipple, punch me in the face and fuck me in the ass” and he wouldn’t even flinch. He’s a team player like that.
He is a team player. I still fantasize about him, so I hope that he reads this and wanks for me…like he used to and then would text me about it. Sorry I moved.
Oh yeah, Rusty did run from that. I was just curious. If a girl can’t have her fuck boy S**P the shit out of her **** a few times, then what can he do? Ya know. It didn’t do it for me. I wasn’t going to ask for that again.
Did I mention the caning episode?
In Pennsyltuckey it’s called “drive truck”. I “drive truck” there is no need for verb-noun agreement above the Mason Dixon line.
Soundtrack for “drive truck”
http://www.sitcomsonline.com/sounds/sanfordandson.wav
Yup im a trouper, no question asked just fulfillment. So if Velvet has any FEMALES in need of attention I am open for business. Although be warned this commodity is going fast and may be off the shelves soon. Lets call the buyer…Lula (cause I watched ‘wild at heart’ last night).
The most shocking part of this post is that you are going to visit Sixes in Pennsyltucky.
I need a moment.
10 points and a shout out to the first one who knows the Monster’s proper name. No fair using Google.
My fave is “The Rabbit of Seville” where Bugs washes his hair.
Pagan – GOSSAMER! I really did have a glass with him all over it, and because I used it so much, and I’m a klutz, those two variables conspired against me and the Monster crashed to the floor one day. Now, of all the things you could comment on this slutty post, you pick the cartoon? Are you losing your touch?
Freckled – I love redneck places. It reverses some of the Connecticut in me. Note I said, “some.”
I don’t even know where to start with all of this.
I’m not even going to say anything about bloggers that may or may not like the city. I’ve said about all I can about that. I’m looking at you, Sixes & Sevens.
And Velvet? why would you need to leave the house if you had the runs? I’m not even sure you’d leave the couch!
And Cube… oh Cube… I think you were put on this planet to yank my chain.
Well well well. Look who finally crawled out of the woodwork!!! I need you to help me babysit Sixes and Sevens. It’s hard work. Though, it is never a thankless job. Because we always have things to use to make fun of her afterward, don’t we?
Is that the only payment for babysitting her? I need to renegotiate my contract.
The most interesting part of this is a girl who had a threesome with two dudes. I don’t like women, but I would much rather have a threeway with another woman…2 dicks flying at me is one dick too many. Then again, sounds like the woman was an afterthought…
66 – Hmm. Yes, it doesn’t seem quite fair. Though, I dare you to try to enter into negotiations with Sixes and Sevens. You’ll end up driving up to Pennsyltuckey to clean out her basement or hit “send” on one of her text messages to her bevy of boyfriends because she’s that good at talking people into things. She was, after all, a lobbyist.
Lemmonex – Actually, the “most” interesting part was the part I left out and just couldn’t even make myself write…the gay man fucked that girl bareback. As in: NO CONDOM. I swear, gay men have learned nothing from the HIV. Thankfully Hot Neighbor was smarter. Or at least he said he was… But anyway, here’s another question: You might have a threesome with a woman, but would you have a threesome with a woman you picked up at a bar in Adam’s Morgan just a couple hours earlier?
I’ve taken to calling Adams Morgan “The Morg.”
I think it’s apropos.
And please, Sixes & Sevens has no power over me. I think she’s afraid to go (half)black anyway.
WHAT?! Are you kidding me? I actually have a very good gay friend who says other gay men have become very laid back about catching HIV/AIDS because it has become so treatable and is no longer a death sentence. (He said this, not me, before anyone jumps all over me…)
And no, I would not have a threesome with a woman I just met–especially with all that fluid everywhere. That being said; I can see the allure of having it with a stranger and being able to walk away with little emotional entanglement (unless the clap rears it’s head).
You know what they say 66. “Once you go half black, you never go half back.” Or something. I like “The Morg.” Appropriate considering all the fighting and shootings.
Lemmonex – Oh, no, I’m not kidding. I can’t believe how promiscuous some people who I know are. I would have thought everyone was on this anti-AIDS bandwagon, but I was wrong. And speaking of the Clap, you know what’s really rampant here? Herps. It’s all over D.C. I think I heard 70% at one point. This is why I never leave my house anymore.
Why leave the house and risk catching The Herp when Sixes & Sevens can come to you!
Weird Coincidence file:
Just today at work I was trying to explain:
“If an in – teresting moster can’t have an in – teresting hairdo, I don’t know what this world is coming to.”
Not as good as “He does not have to shoot you now” in my book, but it’s up there.
How’s your hair these days?
I have had an fff threesome, an ffm threesome, and an fmm threesome. The fmm was the weirdest, since I was 15 and too naive to realize what was going on; the guys made it seem normal to have the best friend chilling on the other side of the bed, stroking himself while he watched me get off. Okay, this is making me nauseous.
Sixes and Sevens, I figured but never asked! Not such a fan of assplay myself, neither giving nor taking. I do remember meeting Hot Neighbor at one dog park party. And in the face? You dirty slut. I think we need to plan a reunion, sans my boyfriend. He doesn’t like to think about my trampy past.
Velvet, where have you been? I keep coming to the park at 5 and you’re nowhere to be seen. Honestly, you can Tivo Soul Train; you don’t need to be on your couch for hours upon end, waiting for it to air.
I66, you’re quite ubiquitous in the DC blog world. My good friend Sent from My Dell Desktop is a fan, if I recall correctly.
And Velvet, thanks for the mental picture of this acrobatic threesome first thing Thursday morning.
wow you kids are busy (or not seeing how you are commenting and I was out drinking in Enola-look it up on the map). This place was prime Velvet territory.
Anyway…
66: Done. Been there. Done the half on just about everything…Persian, Israeli, Korean, Uraguayan (?), Mexican…so there. It’s not the race, it’s YOU. (kidding)
Herpes: Don’t have them, luckily. But kids you can use a condom and STILL get Herpes. So be careful out there. See, move to Penntuckey, the worst we have here is missing teeth and a case of beard rash (not that I know—yet).
Hmmmmm. fluids. I miss them.
CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU VELVIE. Bring the camera. These kids need PROOF. Seeing how Sunday is the superbowl, it’s going to be an xtra special day at the Midtown tavern. (Remember that bar Patsy took us to near her mansion? we have it’s twin here! maybe someone will offer us weed again)
Also, I would like to point out that the most appropriate attire for Sixes at her company gala would have to be a strap on, lubed up with Astroglide.
I just figured out who E is! HIIIIIIIII darling! Miss me?
You came into the game (dog park) so late. You missed years of drama. We’ll catch you up!
BTW, Velvie the “spam” shit is getting OLD! DAMMIT.
E: I’m not as all over the place as I used to be. I think I may be more of a fan of your friend than she is of me. 🙂
66:
and it took Velvet writing “trash” to get you out of the woodwork, you, the guy with the sharp eyes and wit. None of us are all over the place anymore. Thank God Velvet continues to write these things and stir the ashes of the blogging community…and that was “ashes” not asses, but I’m sure she’s stirred a few of those in the day, as well.
God bless ya, Velvet, for keeping things lively around here.
Thank goodness Fencer4 didn’t meet her or he’d have been sooooo bored with me. My appreciation for fart jokes doesn’t really stand up to “driving truck”. (Did I use that correctly?)
btw hinterlands…
have you been playing warcraft?
With Velvet and Sixes and Sevens together, the Super Bowl doesn’t seem so exciting.
Ulysses – the monster gets his nails done too. That’s hilarious. I need to buy that DVD.
66 – My friend does NOT have the herps!!
E – I had to bag on the park. It’s a major time suck and besides, Thora has had a non-stop open wound on her chest for three weeks now, and I can’t let her get dirty. And you know that dustball park is gross. And speaking of gross…you dirty little pig! A threesome at 15??? SHIT! I know the Dell Desktop chick too. We had lunch before she moved to my beloved NYC.
Sixes – Camera. Check. Good call.
E – Ooh, that would be excellent attire. Good call. Very good call.
Sixes – Bitch, my blog does not like the kind of organization you work for. I don’t know how to make it stop, other than to manually retrieve you when you are tossed in the trash. It’s not like I haven’t been doing it for years anyway in other capacities. Ha. I kill me.
Cube – Thank god I have friends who are both slutty and don’t mind being the object of blog fodder because telling about my own life proved to be a disaster all around.
Allez Oop – Sixes is A.D.D. when it comes to men and the Fencer would have never tolerated her insubordination! Few would, actually. That’s why she goes for them YOUNG. She thinks they don’t know any better. Some of them do though.
JohnnyDC – No. I. Have. Not. Believe me.
Keith – Hopefully we don’t burn the place down.
well I can’t help it that my new org is all about SEX SEX SEX. What would you expect from me?
Oh I think I heard a challenge thrown out there that we’re better than the super bowl. I assure you I am warmer than NY and a bigger asshole than Pat fans.
Velvie, let’s do a pregame post for your trip.
Uncle Keith is right. Who wants to watch the boring old Super Bowl, when we could be watching Velvet’s weekend. I know what I’d pick.
Seems Sixes got the spam treatment again.
For what it’s worth I’ve gotten a lot of the same on multiple occasions on wordpress blogs. It seems the fact that the handle has numbers and symbols is the problem (ie: I-66). I complain through wordpress help and they fix it… and then it pops up again later on down the road. There’s no permanent fix, evidently
The sheer whorebucketry of this post is jaw-dropping. When I met 6s & 7s I had no idea I was in the presence of such powerful mojo. I salute you both as I slowly back away. Easy… easy… Hands where I can see them… Fingers where I can see them….
I’d like to thank Sixes and Sevens for introducing me to the song whose lyrics you just used for the title of this particular entry. I think it should be her theme song. Oh and Pennslytucky better watch out, they don’t know what’s about to happen to them this weekend.
Holy Shit. I don’t even know what to say!
Sixes, of course I miss you! I wish I’d found out sooner how dirty you are! Have you found any hot, 20-something, Hot Neighbor-esque ‘necks up there that need defiling? (Not for me, but for you).
I66, everyone loves her–how could you not! I’m jealous of her svelte new figure. She looks even more gorgeous, if it’s possible.