Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Kicking In Chairs and Knocking Down Tables

I always hated having friends over in high school. My parents really commandeered the living areas of our house and didn’t yield to my friends and our headbanger aqua-netted hair. I longed for the day I would have a place of my own.

I went from my parents house to living with a cracked out roommate, to living with a boyfriend until I was 30 to being on my oh my fucking god Jenna Jameson is on Celebrity Apprentice right now looking like a skanky meth addict. Fuck. Hold on.

Okay. I’m back. Anyway, when I was finally living alone, I carefully planned out a design theme, then spent years and thousands debating the purchase and ultimate placement of each piece of furniture. I mixed vintage Heywood Wakefield with modern stuff from Scan and Pier 1 and oh my fucking god Trace Adkins is in danger of being fired off Celebrity Apprentice and I want him to win! Hold on.

Phew. He’s safe.

Shit. Where was I? Right. My prized mid-50’s Heywood Wakefield coffee table and ballerina lamp.


Anyway, the point of this is to tell you that even though I don’t live with another human, the dogs have fucking taken over. I want my place how I want it and I can’t because these little assholes are so demanding. First, it started with just having to keep the couch and chair covered with a sheet because they like to lounge there during the day. Then I had to cover my down comforter with a stupid sheet too. Then I realized that my beautiful bamboo floors were not safe for aging doggies, so I bought two area rugs and covered most of my living room. I had to move all the furniture out of the way and my living room has become a freaking wrestling ring. Sammy’s perennial base of operations has been that orange rug. I don’t get it.

In this corner, weighing in at 44 pounds is Thora the Princess of Dupont. And in this corner, weighing in at 37 pounds is Sammy the Stray Dog of Georgia!!!

One night last week I folded a magazine to something I wanted to read, put it on my bed and I come back to see this:



Mommy! The Radar Magazine Fashion issue is to die for!

And God forbid I try to cook anything or put anything edible on the kitchen counter.


Get it Sammy! Jump on those counters. I’m Sweet Thora, I would never do anything bad.

My beautiful 50’s mod stuff is now awash in dog hair, slobber, paw prints and marrow bone juice. Yeah. Somewhere in the last few months, I just gave up. It used to be important to me to have nice furniture. But I made my list of priorities and the dogs ranked higher. It’s more important to me that they are happy and healthy and comfortable as they age. Besides, it isn’t worth the fight. There’s two of them. There’s only one of me.

And after that award winning blowjob I administered the other night, I’m fucking tired.

An exciting change in the Velvet format, coming next week. Prepare your I.T. departments. I plan this will get me blocked from all your workplaces from one end of the beltway to the other.

Happy Weekend! Velvet outtttt.


  1. I-66

    Like Thora hasn’t offered Sammy 15% of the goods if he goes up and brings it down. She’s not innocent!

  2. Jlynn

    Oh how I feel you. I have Molly and Roscoe’s dog hair EVERYWHERE!

  3. Washington Cube

    Listen. I was talking to a friend in Massachusetts, and she was complaining of the same thing: her dogs coming in from a long walk in the snow, shaking wet all over the room and bits of food. But…she never sounded healthier or happier. Dogs is love. U got hamburger?

  4. wildbill

    So, you’re saying that A-Both your little world as well as the larger one outside has gone to the Dogs. B- Your love of a Home as a Showcase of Exquisite Furniture has given way to a nursing home for the beasties. C-You’re O.K. with that ’cause the sex is Great! D-You’re well on your way to Knockin’ them dead this weekend!

    Well Done Woman, Well Done.

  5. The Stoic

    I don’t own any dogs, BUT Electric Blue is awesome, one of the first songs I can remember hearing along with songs by The Fixx

  6. James, Etta

    In a restaurant in a West End town. Call the police there’s a madman around. Running down underground to a dive bar…

  7. homeimprovementninja

    Ha ha! More pics of the cute one, I love it! And Sammy is pretty cute too.

  8. sixesandsevens

    I’ve had to move my furniture for Sammy too. Silly beasts, love ’em tho. I love to go over to Velvie’s get the all stirred up and then leave. OR yell for them from street level, until the who ‘hood is awake. Love it.

    Ok that video. I haven’t seen that good of a mullet since…wait..this morning at the McDs drive in. yeah.

    Read the comments. This is my fave and so true: “WTF is that guy doing just strolling in the background at 01:23? Uh-oh, looks like somebody’s dumb brother-in-law didn’t now they where filming a video! So he hopped on camera with his “members only” jacket, gray sweatpants and white Reebok hightops…”

  9. sixesandsevens

    Ok, wait. Now that we are on to You Tube on Velvet. I need to know.

    Does Billy Squire dance like this all the time. Or is he trying to channel Freddie Mercury? or is this a joke? Please someone….PLEASE.

  10. Velvet

    I66 – I just had a vision of Thora in red spandex singing, “I’m not that innocent!”

    Jlynn – Uh, you do know I’ve been trying to get in touch with you, right? I sent an email to the old OMGR place.

    Cube – I agree. I prefer having them over not having them. At least this way when I’m talking, someone’s listening. If I didn’t have dogs, I’d just be plain nutso.

    Wild Bill – Christ, you summed it up much better than I did. I tried for that brevity, but, I just couldn’t do it. So, yes, you got it!

    The Stoic – One of the first? You’s a baby. I know I know. I just watched it again and noticed two things. First, that guy, despite his mullet, is somewhat sexy. Second, the line, “Are you hiding, somewhere behind those eyes” is very very very cool.

    James, Etta – Well someone knows their Pet Shop Boys.

    Ninja – You are getting your dogs confused. Sammy is the one you like. Though I don’t allow people to play favorites with my children. Sort of like the way you don’t play favorites with your countertop selections, you like them all.

    Sixes – I didn’t see that! I must go back and look. And are there mullets in HBG?

  11. ma

    Well, I for one like the lamp. It looks cool. And your dogs are awesomely entertaining. I’d cover up my furniture for them.

  12. Velvet

    Sixes. My favorite part is where he crawls on the floor, then rips his shirt, then you see him with a new shirt so he can continue his bedroom music video. Did you see the MTV Top 20 Worst Videos show with the funniest people ever: Janeane Garofalo, Chris Kattan, Dennis Leary and uh, someone else, I forgot. Then Vanilla Ice comes in and destroys the set? This video was in there. Their commentary was hilarious.

    MA – Thanks! I love my stuff, but the dogs are ruining it!!!

  13. homeimprovementninja

    I wasn’t getting them confused, I was being nice. I was working on Thora’s self esteem…Sammy’s cute and all, but his head is getting too big (so is the rest of him, is he going for the muffin top look?).

    Re: the Member’s Only Jackets. The scary part is that millions of people spent money on those things after trying them on in the store, looking in a mirror and thinking “Hey, I look good in this…real good.”

    Now the reallllllly scary part. The 60s look was in a few years ago, then the 70s look…so we’re due for an 80s chic thing any day now. You’ll be up to your ears in two tone jeans and member’s only jackets again in no time. And shoulderpads on neon women’s jackets.

  14. Velvet

    Sigh. This solidifies the fact that I won’t be relying on you for fashion advice. That whole orange turtleneck thing was bad, but the fact that you think the 80’s are on their way. Oy. You do know that they are here. Full on. Right?


  15. Beach Bum

    Those are the cutest pictures! Thanks for the morning laughs 🙂

  16. I-66

    Wow. It even says “80’s neon” on it. They’re not even trying to hide it.

    I’m looking forward next decade to the return of the 90’s, where flannel shirts and the grunge look are paramount. I’m practicing my gargly incoherent Eddie Vedder singing voice now.

  17. sixesandsevens

    as long as big butts and frizzy hair are in, I’m golden. When they aren’t I can always just move to Jerzee.

    Note on that Billy Squire video: he rips off one tshirt and puts on another…that’s already ripped. In The Industry that’s called “candy glass” because you know that pansy-ass Squire couldn’t rip a good, solid new Gap tee. Thank god for child labor.

    And Sammy is buffing up for his rumble tumble at Italian Lake. The dogs around here are blue collar working types, he doesn’t want to look like a Dupont Darling (no offense to Darla).

  18. Uncle Keith

    I was lulled into a sense of sugary-numbness by your dog post, till i got to the part about the award winning blowjob! What a bait and switch!

  19. sixesandsevens

    blow jobs are also sugary-numbness, but you wouldn’t know that unless Uncle Keith is gay.

  20. mysterygirl!

    You would die if you saw how 80s my outfit is today.

    And Sammy and Thora are totally worth the dog hair everywhere. The prettiest dogs around. And they know it!

  21. barbara

    After a while you simply have to concede defeat to dogs and kids. And then you realize they are what’s important, not the stuff you spent all your money on. I love S & T.

  22. Uncle Keith

    Fortunately, I’ve never been on the tasting end, only on the tasted.

  23. jordanbaker

    My parents’ late dog and ex-cat used to be food conspirators. They knew that the dog was long and springy enough that he could reach food if it was left on the table or counters, so they’d put it on the top of the fridge.

    Then they’d come home, the floor would be covered in crumbs, the dog would be fat and happy, and the cat would be on top of the fridge, licking his paw and contemplating what, exactly, he was getting out of this relationship.

  24. mama in lala

    I know exactly what you mean. We just bought all new furniture and had to immediately cover it with sheets. We look like we’re leaving for the Hamptons.

  25. E

    Darla can choke a bitch. Just because she’s white doesn’t mean she can throw down.

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