Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Just Wanted You To Comfort Me, When I Called You Late Last Night You See…

I was awake for several seconds before I would succumb to opening my eyes. I hate waking up in the middle of the night. It irritates me in that way that fingers on a blackboard irritate the world. And if the day’s Crystal Light inventory made it through my bladder and chose the middle of the night to come out, I’m even more irritated. Putting a foot on the floor mid-slumber is more painful to me than running 5 miles mid-day.

I braced myself and opened my eyes to confront the clock.

3:37 a.m.


3:37 a.m. is a lonely place to be. I never enjoy waking up at hours like these. I always hope the race to fall back asleep is won sooner rather than later.

No such luck. This was not one of those “awake for 3 minutes and right back to sleep” nights. No, this was “the last 4 hours were more like a nap, and so now that you’re rested, let’s talk.”

I don’t want to get up. I want to lay here in the warm bed with the dogs and…wait. Where are the dogs?

It is unseasonably warm outside. Thora, understanding the simple law of “heat rises,” chose her bed on the floor instead of mine. Sammy is where he always is, in his bed guarding a harem of bones he’s collected over the years, bones he moves from room to room with a diligence so impressive you would think he was being paid for it.

When I rolled over and looked at them, Thora stared at me. She whimpered to come up on the bed. I called her up. She turned three circles and lay back down with a sigh, a sigh that said, “I was sleeping and I heard your eyes open so now I’m awake and you don’t have to be alone and if you want to talk, well, go ahead.”

Sweet Thora. She’s so in sync with me. Or I am with her.

{Cue middle of the night, brain vomit…}

Speaking of being in sync, I wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s awake. If he is, I wonder if he’s watching TV. Or reading. Or working. No, he’s probably sleeping. Hey, wait, he didn’t call me back last night. Let me check the phone. Maybe I slept through it. I’ve been known to sleep through things before. I’ve been known to sleep through things recently.

I clicked my light on my cell. 4:19 a.m. How have 40 minutes gone by? No missed calls or unread texts. That’s odd. Usually there’s some sort of goodnight call. Am I losing my touch? Did the time away together cure him of wanting to see me for a while? Have I lost my appeal?

The middle of the night is lonely for sure, but it can also prey on the most vulnerable parts of your self-conscious.

The night, stealing my precious sleep hours, continues. The night will steal an hour from me this weekend in Daylight Savings. I don’t want to lose any more time than I have to.


Out loud I say, “What the fuck!?!” On the phone it says “1 new text.” I rarely get middle of the night texts. I’ve never received a middle of the night text when I was laying awake, willing someone, anyone, to call me so I didn’t have to be alone anymore.

I opened the text. 4:29 a.m.

From him: “The fire alarms just went off. Well that was fun.”

From me: “I’ve been up since 3:30. Can’t sleep. Looks like you are up too.”

If someone is thinking about you at the exact moment you are thinking about them, were you ever really alone?


  1. Rosie

    So well written — and I’ve been reading some pretty good books recently, so I have higher standards than usual.

  2. Mr. X

    You write so well. So well.

  3. Marissa

    Whoa. Deep. When I get up in the middle of the night to run to the bathroom, I just think about not tripping over my shoes. Walking is hard.

  4. ma

    I say a resounding no.


  5. Red


  6. E

    Goddammit, nothing like the aftertaste of saccharine from a new love’s kiss to make you feel like your relationship is lacking a spark.

    And I might add, I am accepting applications for a companion this weekend from tonight until Sunday while the Black Market Wholesaler is in NOLA for a sausage fest.

  7. homeimprovementninja

    Velvet, check the lost & found…I think you lost your snark 😉

  8. BMW

    Speaking of brain vomit…that last line was like going down on the mayor of Candy Land.

  9. E

    ;( That’s a tear from my sensitive side, just for you.

  10. sixesandsevens

    I loved it and it made me, of all people, warm and fuzzy.

    You’re never alone when people love you (even when they are asleep). And the Schnoo and I are often awake have our self-concious preyed upon too.

    The buzz kill from the keys to dc hurts, I know. Sorry.

  11. E

    Buzz kill aside, I smiled and wondered if you’d been reading my older, more sensitive posts. AND it made me feel like I’ve become a wrinkly old hag who doesn’t like sex anymore, because the more sex/love making I have, the more posts like these I write.

    All convolution aside, that was well written. I can help you apply to MFA programs, if you want. I’m a pro, I hear.

  12. E

    That last post was egocentric, sorry. Wanna have drinks this weekend in between your rampant sex making?

  13. I-66

    V, very well done. Let it not be said that you aren’t versatile. And I mean that in the most unsexual way possible. What. Stop looking at me like that.

    E, if you need a companion I know a golden retriever you can borrow.

    6/7, you haven’t been warm and fuzzy since you didn’t shave for 2 weeks.

  14. Bridal Bird

    This post makes me want to actually put some effort into whatever I write today. Well done.

  15. Uncle Keith

    I’m scared. I’m new around here, but this isn’t the Velvet I’m used to. I’m not used to you being all vulnerable and everything.

    It’s all cool, though. I don’t want no anal-raping or nothing.

  16. dcavocado

    I love your writing!

  17. Velvet

    DC Avocado – thank you!

  18. SciWonk

    Great writing. Kudos.

  19. Velvet

    SciWonk – Thank you very much!!!

  20. Johnny DC

    I thought you used the 3:00 hour to join Classmates websites?


  21. barbara

    I think it’s called ESP. It’s a good thing, especially between people who really care about each other. All’s well. You can go back to sleep.

  22. E :)

    Good writers like you are the reason nobody reads my crappy blog. Great post!

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