Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’m Too Young For Growing Up Just Yet

As we left my building one night, I said, There’s my homeless boyfriend. Mr. X and I gave him some money. He looked sad. Perhaps it was because I was on the arm of a man and the last two times I saw Dredlocks he asked me out. Or perhaps it was because it was raining and he’s homeless.

Regardless, there’s nothing like saying youve arrived when you go down to your front door and find a homeless guy trying to call you from the callbox – with the help of one of your neighbors. I wondered which of the two had truly lost their mind the homeless man asking me out and telling me he needed a warm place to stay for the night or my god damned neighbor who told him my last name and how to dial my number. This city is too liberal, even for me.

So Mr. X said to me, You know, it would be nice if you could point to some decent looking guy under 80 years old who has asked you out. It would make me feel a little better than the processional of wheelchairs and canes hovering around your front door for a date.

Its true. Within a span of 10 days, Id been asked out by three men, all over 65 years old. My mom wanted me to post about the Congressman, but I’m nothing if not against the D.C. Machine. Let’s just say I royally fucked up some serious rules of avoiding the unsolicited “well now I owe you one so let’s go to dinner.” I did this guy a favor, not knowing he was a Congressman and not particularly caring, and he used my favor to up the ante and push for dinner. I promptly sent the link for his website off to 17 of my closest friends. Patsy texted back, “FUCK. I was NOT prepared for THAT!”

Mr. X just wants one of my suitors to be young and attractive so it can validate his attraction to moi, but that hasn’t happened. I have been considering wearing a medic alert bracelet decoy ring to ward off these advances but instead, despite the fact that I’m very lucky in the wrinkle department for 35 years old, I just decided to try to look younger.

I went to the Dermatologist and said, “Why is this happening?” I pointed to several parts of my body including lines around my mouth and my C cups (D Cups if you believe that whore from Nordstrom) that you can now find down near my knees thanks to years of running with an improper sports bra. The Derm put on his mask and said, “Honey. You need a plastic surgeon.”

Great. Just fucking great.

So now every day my mom and I have the same conversation.

Mom: Honey, please, before you get your tits lifted, can you check into some of those really good expensive bras.
Me: Would you stop?   Helium and a crane couldn’t save me now.
Mom: Why do you want to go under the knife?
Me: Well mom, when you watch as much porn as I do, tits on the collarbone start to look normal. And I’m going to stop telling you shit because now you’re going to send me every fucking newspaper article on the matter.
Mom: Oh, I will NOT.

I’m not sure what’s worse: That she actually underlines crap in those newspaper clippings with a red pen, as if I’m too stupid to find the main points of the article, or that my mom is younger than the average age of men who asked me out that painful week.


  1. Washington Cube

    When you need a doctor, ask me.

  2. Washington Cube

    ..and a P.S. on old Congressmen. I remember taking a college friend (she would literally stop traffic on 18th Street) to a congressional fundraiser and Sonny Montgomery from MS (who had to be an old fuck, even then,) asked me to come to his office the next day (he was next door.) He served on a committee with my boss. I was prepared to discuss veteran’s legislation. Instead he wanted me pimping Kristine. Old enough to be her grandfather. Men are something. I need to type the Lisa story…that’s a good one.

    Kristine is in Palm Beach dating some old fuck sugar daddy these days, with a Rolls and a wad of dough and she’s living well. Better than the days they were all snorting over at the Guards after hours, aka “the good old days.” You want stories? Talk to the bartenders in this town.

  3. wildbillthePirate

    Velvie’s neighbor is a Dweeb,
    Ask the Homeless guy to Leave,
    A better Bra’s in store,
    or they’ll be dropping for the Floor!

    Velvie’s always been Eye Candy,
    the Geezers think she’s Dandy,
    Mr. X’s a Lucky Man,
    or so says this Velvie Fan!

  4. wildbillthePirate

    B.T.W.: That neighbor is Some friend… I would suggest ringing their bell at all hours of the day and night & having Everyone I know do the same.OR, keep ordering Pizzas, Take Out and Taxi’s for their apartment from a payphone until they can’t get Any. Perhaps they will Get The Message…

  5. I-66

    Yessss. I’ve always wanted a Nip/Tuck: DC spinoff.

  6. Patsy

    Don’t knock those whores from Nordstrom! Thanks to them, I’m the proud owner of several DD bras, and could actually use an F one now that my boobs are considered “food” by one member of this household. I’ll never be a B again.

  7. Lemmonex

    Not going to lie, I have thought about a good old lift as well. Running with bad bras, coupled with the fact that being overweight for so many years kinda fucked my body up, makes the plastic surgeons office seem mighty enticing.

  8. umdalum

    Thank God I am not the only one who has “helpful” mothers – it’s a slow week if I don’t get newpaper articles or emails just pointing out things to me.

    At least she’s stopped sending obituaries lately……

  9. Velvet

    Cube – I will ask you for sure! He gave me a recommendation in Bethesda. Why are all the plastiques in Bethesda? Anyway, I’m not sure about scarring, but yea, it’s on my to-do list. I’ll send you the congressman’s link.

    Bill – You are very skilled in the poetry department. The neighbor, unfortunately, uses the place as an office, and not a home. So late night ring and runs wouldn’t work, damn it.

    I66 – There are some people here who need it more than I do.

    Patsy – Actually, she said I was still a 36C, (since 11th grade baby!!!) but, that I could size down to a 34D. I bought one Wacoal in 34D, and almost snapped a rib when I tried other brands in a 34D. I went back to a 36C and it works every time. I was in the 1/10th of 1 percent actually wearing the right size.

    Lemmonex – I think everything else is sagging on me too, but I haven’t looked anywhere but the boobs. Maybe we can get a group discount on surgery. I’ll hold your hand and you hold mine!

    Umdalum – I’ve made several calls to the Mommy compound, demanding that this stops, but she takes a 2 week break, then starts up again. First it’s something innocent, then it’s full on assault with entire sections of the paper redinked for me.

  10. Uncle Keith

    Posts about boobies are great.

  11. Sixes

    None of you get ANY sympathy about the tits. Enjoy them for those of us who have to improvise.

    And do E and I not count as those under 65 that hit on you.

    Which neighbor was that? I say we seek revenge!

  12. allez oop

    So glad I’m not the only one around here getting marriage proposals and declarations of love from the homeless, chronic drunks, and ancient cabbies. Teh Smitten pretends to be jealous just be make me feel better but, behind my back, I suspect he is concerned about the quality of my unsuitors.

  13. E

    I was so waiting for a punch line about MM’s boobs. You disappointed me! She’ll let you feel em if you want.

    You don’t need fake ones, though. I luv yer tits. Show me your titties, bitches! Everyone would need a lift if it weren’t for good bras! When you calculate it out, investing in good bras vs. getting a breast lift comes out to be even—just don’t ask me what it amounts to because I’m not good at math. Makes me feel like I need a real running bra instead of that Target shit I wear.

  14. I-66

    I thought E was still in her training bra.

  15. Ulysses

    Okay, okay, but just since you’re going on and on about it:
    Would you like to go out together sometime?
    Nope? Okay. Now can we move on?

  16. Cunning Linguist

    How do you improvise having tits?

  17. Uncle Keith

    Good question CL?

  18. E

    I was in a training bra, but then my tits grew bigger than your balls so I had to upgrade.

  19. I-66

    I dunno, E. My balls are at least B cups.

  20. wildbillthePirate

    Office? Great! So when you call a moving company (from a payphone) and have them pack up all the Office furniture during a long weekend and store it they won’t be bored enough on Monday to let the homeless guy know how to reach you. Too Cruel? Call the pizza place and have 15 pizzas delivered to them. I’m SURE they will LOVE picking up the tab!

    or perhaps the more direct route: walk up to offending party and tell them that if that type of behavior continues, they can expect to be Audited (it’s D.C. after all-they don’t know who you know) BOTH personally & Corporately. Will usually shut them up.

    As for the poems: I only write them when I’m Moved which is sporatically, at best. Your blog just seems to inspire them.

  21. Lady D

    Occasional reader and first time commenter, just putting in my $0.02. If you are in any way inclined toward being with child any time soon I recommend waiting till after you do. Pregnancy and breastfeeding will wreak havoc on your boobs. I was in your position and desperately wanted to do a little nip tuck, and after going from 34B——>36E and then WAAAAY back down again during my pregnancy and subsequent breastfeeding…uggh shudder. It aint a cheap or fun procedure and I would have hated to do it and then have it all go down the toilet a few years later. Just sayin!

  22. Drunken Chud

    one day you will develop an affinity for fat drunk guys… then you and your collarbone boobs and i will have a grand ol’ time. you know, while i’m getting my dermabrasion for my stretch marks.

    beauty is pain. pain is beauty. sigh.

  23. I-66

    All this talk about boobs is making me hungry.

  24. Velvet

    Lady D – Not only will there not be children, but there will not be children. And there will definitely not be children. I ran 4 miles last night and my knee popped out this morning. I can’t imagine crawling around on the floor with a baby, and now you’re telling me that my boobs will be dragging around with me? Ugh. No thanks!

    Chud! You’re back! How’s Detroit Rock City?

  25. Drunken Chud

    i have emerged. yay. the city is still a hole and getting holier. i finally caught up on your adventures. so that’s a good thing. i must say that the sixes and sevens posts… kind of like reading penthouse forums, without the psuedo subtlety they try to get away with in those rags.

  26. Lady D

    Well in that case Missy, get ye to a plastic surgeon asap! I just had mine done with a little boost and am smiling from ear to ear. Totally worth every penny and painkiller.

  27. Shannon

    You know, my mom had a skin cancer lesion cut off her chest a few years back. She said it really perked her up, in fact, it was like a low budget boob-lift. So maybe you could just stop wearing sunscreen.

  28. The OE

    I have also had problems with my anatomy but plastic surgery was not the solution

  29. Washington Cube

    All right Velvet. Do I have to put on my tan pantyhose and come over there? Toss us a crumb.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

© 2024 Velvet in Dupont

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑