Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

This post has been sitting in my drafts since December 2006. Considering I’m a “think-it-say-it” kind of girl, I’m not sure why I never posted this. But the advent of several friends suddenly joining encouraged me to dust this off and finish it up. Hopefully you will reap the benefits of the extra 19 months this was aged.

Consider it a farewell to dating post or something like that. It’s about what I have learned from dating.

Oh, make your jokes. I know you will say that I’ve learned nothing. But you’re wrong. I have been taking notes.

What I’ve Learned About Dating:

Disclaimer: It’s very important to stereotype. Stereotyping can save you a lot of grief in the long run because the only thing standing between a dead on, snap-judgment first impression and giving someone a second chance is just two drinks.

Here we go. Pay attention.

1) Men tell you who they are within 5 minutes of meeting them. Don’t talk too much. You might miss it, and you’ll spend the rest of your relationship trying to figure out what he already told you. In the beginning of any contact, the guard is down. As soon as you say a few things to pique his interest, his guard starts slowly going up. The more charming you are, the less he will be his true self. And what he chooses to say in those first few minutes is crucial. Is he talking about his dying cat, ex-girlfriend, porn? Pay attention. It will help and or save you later. Trust me.

What’s tricky here is that this works in the reverse too – before you realize you are interested in him, you might tell him about that clit piercing. I’d recommend you pretend your other lips are pierced (closed) and don’t say a word. Smile and nod.

2) Chemistry is a tricky, elusive, thing. You will have chemistry with people who are good for you and people who are not. It is very very important to make wise decisions here. Otherwise you’ll find yourself ripping off your clothes in the front seat of a Lexus with some guy who looks like Vanilla Ice and only when you are looking for your bra do you realize there’s a babyseat in the back. Um. Not that that ever happened to me or anything.

3) Dating is a numbers game. What did your Grandma say? You have to kiss many frogs to get a prince? Yeah, that. Get out there and meet potential mates as often as you can. Because you just never know from around which corner the next love of your life is going to emerge. I guarantee you that if you went out on 50 dates this year, no less than two of those guys would become something important in your life. Are they good odds? No. They’re not. But is there a guarantee? Yes. Because there is no way you could date 50 men who meet your minimum requirement to even get to date 1, and not find someone worthwhile.

4) The balance of power becomes warped if you accept favors from men. If he’s a man you don’t want to date and he did some work for you or did you a favor, pay him for it. If he won’t give you a dollar amount, figure one out. But don’t let the payment be in the form of a date. Only American dollars work here. I used to fall for this. Some mongoloid would show up and hang a few pictures and then I’d find myself out on the pity-payback date. If he is a man you do want to date, thank him however you see fit, (a little cocksucking never hurt anyone) but if he constantly brings it up or tries to make you feel forever indebted to him, then fork over some cash (or swallow.)

More tomorrow.


  1. homeimprovementninja

    Note to self: next time you hang pictures for someone, bring breath mints and condoms.

  2. zipcode

    Thanks for posting this…….however I am so tired of kissing frogs

  3. Velvet

    Zipcode – there will be more. The original post was too freaking long to do in one. Next up is the handy cheat sheet of which professions to avoid in a man.

    Ninja – Breath Mints? No one said you had to kiss her first!

  4. Uncle Keith

    I can get a blow job for hanging pictures? Damn, I wish I had paid attention in shop class.

  5. E

    So, do you actually have a clit ring?

  6. I-66

    Do you?

  7. zipcode

    haha does my profession come up in this list?

  8. Washington Cube

    My former manicurist had one and insisted on showing it. That’s another thing. When people get boob jobs or ink or piercings…it’s always show and tell.

  9. LivitLuvit

    That first one is so, so true… and really hard to pinpoint. The absolute best thing you can do to get to know someone is shut up.

  10. Lemmonex

    “You will have chemistry with people who are good for you and people who are not.”

    So true, this one HURTS. Just because you feel something does NOT mean it is a good idea. Pay attention to the signs. You libido/heart/loins can mislead you.

  11. E

    Check yes or no.

  12. Velvet

    No E. I do not. I prefer that the equipment works as it does, and I’m afraid some moron would close off my pee-hole and it would be like Kidney Stones Circa 2001 all over again. No. Thank. You.

    Lemmonex – My libido mislead me many times until I bought $200 jeans. Then I realized he better be amazing to get me out of jeans that expensive.

    LivitLuvit – I can’t even recall how many relationships ended with a realization like, “Well, one of the first things he said to me was that he was a loner/loser/lothario.” For some reason we’re so intent on making a good impression ourselves that we ignore those first few minute tidbits that become ultra-important as time goes by.

    Cube – You really have a fascinating group of estheticians in your arsenal, don’t you?

    Zipcode – I don’t think so. Wait. Are you a lawyer?

  13. Phil

    I always remain completely silent the first 5 minutes of a date.

  14. I-66

    Hold on, someone actually described himself as a lothario? Or did you just synonymize that?

    E should be writing on her own damn blog anyway. It’s Tuesday, hussy.

  15. freckledk

    Vanilla Ice? Baby seat? I want to hear more about that one.

  16. Washington Cube

    A guy with a baby seat in the back of his car. THIS you have to write about.

  17. nato

    So I should quit talking about my wife and kids in those first five minutes . . . damn! I knew I was doing something wrong.

  18. Velvet

    Nato – Actually, that’s the perfect example. It means you LOVE them! Ha! But excellent point. Let’s say hypothetically that your wife and kids were what you told a new woman who was just hired at your work. And let’s say some time goes by and you two begin an affair. I know I know, you’d never cheat on the wife. But play along damn it! So, okay, you have your fling, and she falls madly in love with you and you don’t leave your wife. She should have known this, because the first thing you told her about was your wife and kids. See?

    Cube, FK – Uh. No. Really. Yo like Stop. There’s a memory I like to leave in my drug-addled past!

    Ice ice baby too cold too cold.

    I66 – No, not literally. I mean, if he was telling you how much he picks up women, or how much they hit on him. Oh, and I’ll be poking my head in your orifice tomorrow!!!! I have to see B… upstairs.

    Phil – Nice work. Very nice work. You get an A!

  19. wildbillthePirate

    I LOVE snap-judgements! That way, all the lying, cheating, woman-beating Losers look so much better then the good guys who might actually like you but are waiting for the right time to strike up a conversation! What happened to actually getting to know a person? Like not trying to get in your pants as quickly as possible? Passe?

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