Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Don’t Know Why You Gotta Be Angry All the Time

I know all of you two of you are dying for the update of what happened in New York. Let’s just say that one half of Team Gloom and Doom was their usual self and the other half of Gloom and Doom was also their usual self. Let me rewind a tiny bit.

Friday I had planned to leave work a little early. Then someone decided at 10:45 a.m. to call a mandatory meeting for noon with the requisite meeting request. I replied and said that I was leaving early and would not make this meeting. Friday we were getting off work at 2:00, but the last time I went to New York on a 2:00 Friday I sat in major traffic the entire way. So this time I decided my internal goal was noon to get out of the office.

At five minutes to 12, someone said that they overheard I would have to crank out six Proposals for new business. I’ve never even done this before, and considering that two other people are responsible for Proposals, I had to ask “why me?” The answer came back that one of the two is totally inefficient and the other one is running circles around the inefficient one and so therefore I got the prize (of more work.) Then that person said, “Pick up your stuff, and walk out right now.”

I’ve never done something so bold before but my weekend was in serious jeopardy. So I did it. I shut off the computer and left. My logic here was this: If they can allow the aforementioned inefficients continue to keep their jobs, and there are more than one of them, then I’ve got to be allowed one tiny indiscretion. As I stood at the elevator, I saw the food for that 12:00 meeting coming in, and I could hear the craziness of the office behind me. But, I left.

Mr. X was not prepared for my Houdini-like escape artistry and was not ready when I was. So I lollygagged around for a bit, then harassed with several back to back phone calls and texts. Finally I just drove to his house and stalked him in his driveway until he came outside.

It took several extra hours to get to NY as there were breakdowns and traffic everywhere. When we finally got there I needed several drinks. We went around the corner to a Greek restaurant (go figure) and ate and drank, and then the bartender sent us with her high recommendations to a very specific intersection in the Village. We followed her advice and meandered around several bars before I practically fell asleep and we took off back to the hotel.

I. Am. Lame. And I never said I wasn’t.

Saturday morning we got up and promptly went off to Bloomingdales (it’s like no other store in the world) where I bought a pair of deeply discounted hooker shoes and Mr. X helped. Then we went over to my brothers where we met up with Gloom and Doom. Everything actually went fine, Gloom and Doom were surprisingly chipper and in good moods. Mr. X and my dad did a lot of talking. And somewhere in between that talking, we went to lunch.

My brother has a friend from high school who was married for 15 years and is getting divorced. My mom says, “Velvet, did you hear about Elton and Kiki?” I said, “Oh yeah, that they are getting divorced?”

And there’s my mom, as usual, stabbing her ketchup-laden french fry with her fork while simultaneously stabbing me in the heart, saying, “Yup, fifteen years down the drain.” Opinionated? Yes. But opinionated doesn’t cover the adjectives I’d use here considering that Mr. X is completing a divorce and that she knows this!

This is standard-bitchy with my mom. You just never know what you’re going to get, but you know you’ll get her nasty opinions, without a care for how anyone else may feel sitting in her presence and she’ll think she’s right. If you were to even bother calling her on it and say, “What’s the alternative? Stay with someone for 50 years who makes you miserable just so you can say you didn’t get divorced?” she’ll keep going, putting her foot in her mouth even further and making herself look like more of an asshole, lashing out at anyone in her path.

Yeah, I know she’s from that generation and we’re from this generation, but again, here we have it. I don’t believe in voicing nasty opinions that take a direct shot at someone who your daughter said she’s blissfully, madly, deeply in love with. Nor do I do believe in staying with someone who makes you miserable just to say that you didn’t get divorced, or to borrow her famous line, to say you didn’t quit. Divorce is a pretty big deal, and I’m sure these friends of my brothers didn’t just randomly decide without a second thought to get divorced just like Mr. X didn’t wake up one day and decide that today he wanted sausage with his eggs and also, he’d like to get a divorce. So I’m not sure what makes the Gloom part of Gloom and Doom think she’s such an expert because she and my father have bickered for 44 consecutive years now. What a claim to fame.

So it’s been two days since that bullshit and for some reason, I’m madder about it now than I was on Saturday.

There’s more eating and drinking, drinking and eating, walking around the city and discussions of returning and then there’s a drive home. Somewhere around Delaware I said, “You know, the last time I was driving through here, you and I started that x-rated texting spree.” He said, “I remember that. That was fun!”

So we started texting each other, yes, even while sitting next to each other, and then it got slightly heated and we just couldn’t wait to get home so we could rip each other’s clothes off. It was a long 2 1/2 hours from the Delaware border. Very long.


  1. Shannon

    I woke up one morning and realized I needed a makeover – new hair, better makeup, no ring, no husband. Not really, but I did order my divorce over the Internet.

    Some people get really weird and judgmental when they find out I used to be married. It used to upset me, now I think it’s a really easy way to spot self-righteous dinks.

  2. mysterygirl!

    I hate the terminology that time was “wasted” or things “failed” just because they ended, as if longevity were the only (or even a good) indicator of “success.” Seriously, one could argue that a fifteen year marriage was a success.

    I would have been pissed off, too. On the bright side, it sounds like it could have been a lot worse… maybe?

  3. I-66

    Is this where I should remind you kids that texting and driving is dangerous? No? Okay.

  4. barbara

    You would have predicted this exactly as it played out, so why are you so pissed? Doesn’t she do this with every SO of any of her children? I’m glad your dad was supportive; it helps to know that there’s something parentally positive!

    You are too funny on the trip home. It’s not like you were planning to be separated for weeks on end! Were S & T in the car watching? 🙂

  5. Velvet

    Shannon – Hmm…..perhaps I could give you my mom’s number and you can call her a self-righteous dink. Though I’d use some harsher words…

    MysteryGirl! – I totally agree. I also think that if I thought it would be any worse I probably wouldn’t have even ventured down that road.

    I66 – NO! Texting foreplay rules. Seriously. Try it.

    Barbara – I would have liked to think that she could have kept her fat mouth shut from an indirect insult that resulted in a direct insult. Dad is supportive and nice, but it depends on what hell rains down on him. He can easily be swayed. I have history to prove that. S&T didn’t come with us, even though I found out after the fact that our hotel allowed dogs. I would have loved to have them there, though walking them would have been a hassle. There’s not a lot of grass in NYC.

  6. JohnnyDC

    You didn’t do some naked I-95 shennanigans?


  7. freckledk

    I’m actually shocked that you didn’t turn into one of the rest areas and obtain some instant gratification.

    Glad it (kind of) worked out, and that it was (sort of) a good trip. When you think of how it could have been, I’d say you got lucky (in every possible way, apparently).

  8. ma

    It’s so easy to judge others, isn’t it? The best you can do is try to love someone for as long as you can. It’s not a contest to see who can be married the longest. If that were really the case, I’m already losing–having never been married nor divorced. So there you go!

    You’re doing splendidly, you and Mr. X. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade!


    (ugh. even I’m grossing myself out by the cheeriness. can’t be helped!)

  9. wildbillthePirate

    I seriously liked the X-rated txting right next to each other, but I do agree with I-66 that it’s probably not the smartest thing to do while driving. As for Family: No one can hurt you or push your buttons like family. The proper retort (my Opinion)is to ask her if she thinks Love is just a big waste of time, then. Why be married at all if you don’t believe that you at least have a chance at happiness? Is she saying that unless you mate for Life, then it’s not worth it? That’s certainly a Minority Opinion.

    Or you could call and tell her that you two are going to “shack up” together because she’s convinced you that it’s just not worth it at all. I wonder what her response will be then? I’m happy you came away from it without murdering anyone ‘tho.

  10. E

    I have to agree with Barbara. We knew Gloom has a history of disapproving of the mates her kids choose. It doesn’t reflect poorly on you, just on her, and if she’s kept up this notion that she knows what’s best for however many years, chances are slim that she’s going to change now and support all your decisions. I think all you can do with something like this is to stop making her feel like her opinion matters, and just go off of what makes YOU happy, as much as it may suck.

  11. zipcode

    X-rated texting is fun – of course I have no one to do that with right now – blah

    I am going to New York Sunday via Acela – I can’t do that drive. I love the train —

  12. I-66

    I’m all for texting foreplay, but texting while driving and drawing wood is a daaaangerous threesome.

  13. LivitLuvit

    I LURVE texting B when we’re out and about, amongst others, and none are the wiser… oh, teh hottness.

    And ain’t nothing wrong with pulling the car into a deserted parking lot… or even not so deserted… just saying! Rowrrr

  14. homeimprovementninja

    texting? what kind of GF are you? Haven’t you ever heard of r0ad-head?

    For any drive over 3 hours it’s practically mandatory!!!

  15. Velvet

    Johnny – I wanted to, but we dragged it out for another three hours.

    FK – It was a good trip! Mr. X makes me swooooon.

    MA – You are so right. It IS NOT a contest. That would have been a good response. Damn. I’ll save it for next time.

    Wild Bill – I must admit, I did sway off the road a couple times. Then we stopped because we knew we might crash. My mom does believe in mating for life. Though, I do have to wonder, what happens when one falls out of love? Are they supposed to stay together forever just because? It’s funny to me, mostly because marriage is very religious in its core, and yet, here you have a woman who isn’t religious at all. Makes no sense.

    E – I didn’t expect her to support it, I just would have liked for her to not send out what I view as a direct insult. Of course, Mr. X thinks I’m overreacting, but I have years of history to back me up.

    Zippy – Next time, train or chinatown bus. No way am I doing that drive again during the summer traffic.

    I66 – mmm….woood………..

    LiveitLuvit – I wanted to do that, but he rather liked the anticipation of 3 hours of foreplay.

  16. Velvet

    Ninja – I was driving! That would have been very very very bad!

  17. Cyndy

    It is sad that parents sometimes get so insanely jealous when they realize that their adult child has found happiness with someone else besides them, even after they’ve been away from home for years and years. It just drives them crazy to think that they might no longer be in control.

    Some parents take a ridiculously long time to develop any respect whatsoever for the choices that their kids make without their input or approval. Maybe they’ll back off by the time you’re fifty – if you’re lucky.

    I think your parents do care about your happiness, but they are expressing that in a very aggressive and inappropriate manner. It’s hard not to react to that after having received most of your early training from them! They are still apparently using the technique of holding their approval just out of reach. Classic.

    As the others have said, You do not want to let them continue to control your happiness in an area that should be all yours. Respect should be a two way street and in this case you are probably going to have to be the one who sets that example.

  18. nato

    I must be old — I’ve never done sexy texting. Considering how poorly I drive when I’m getting a blowjob, I’m guessing I’d be in a ditch in 5 minutes if I tried texting. So, do we get to see a picture of the hooker shoes (preferably with legs and feet as well, not that I’m a pervert or anything . . .)?

  19. zipcode

    Velv – don’t do those buses – thats a death wish waiting to happen. Train Train and think of the hot sex you can have on the train in the bathroom

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