Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Eyes That Shine Burning Red

Oh D.C. You are so predictable. If there’s anything I can count on you kids for, it’s consistency. I can practically write your very own personal ad. “Enjoys voting for Democrats, jumping on bandwagons and getting “bailed out.” I noticed a new little habit of yours though. “Also enjoys running through Georgetown only when it’s 65 degrees, wearing Black Dog apparel.”

I happen to have two black dogs, but neither of them is a tee-shirt. Mine crap outside. I also happen to run just as often when it’s 15 degrees outside as when it’s 65. So having to share what was formerly a deserted path with you amateurs really pisses me off. And that you all look and dress the same? Criminal. I had to see way too many Black Dog tee shirts last night. Way too many.

I’m currently on the company warpath. It seems that someone, I’m not sure who, invented this great idea that when it’s your birthday, you get a corporate wide email complete with graphics. It used to be that they would send the email out to everyone and put all the names in the “to” box. But then a couple things happened. First, the graphics would take up so much space on the server that the email system would crash. Then we’d get messages from I.T. telling us to hurry and delete the birthday message. The second would be that inevitably, people would hit “reply all” to say “Enjoy your day.” Reply f*cking all? Really? Ugh. Now, for the stupid people, they put all our names into the “BCC” box.

Anyway, it came on to my radar that with my birthday coming up, I was going to receive one of these emails. So I planned to take the whole god damned day off to avoid this exercise, especially since I HATE my birthday. It’s just the day I was evicted from my first rental. I cannot stand when adults make major deals of their birthdays. I’ve heard of people renting out clubs for birthdays. I’ve been witness to people saying, “Great, you’re being mean to me during my birthday week.” it’s a week now? Oh. My. GOD. I just think it’s so, juvenile. What’s next? The Tooth Fairy? Well, if I had to choose, I’d like the tooth fairy to leave me Percoset instead of a dollar. I’d be much better off. So would you.

Anyway, I digress. I can no longer take my birthday off because someone scheduled me for a very important beating meeting that day.   I have to be at work. So, plan B. And I’m not talking about the morning after pill. I just spent the better part of yesterday (and today) ensuring that I will not be the recipient of that birthday email by accessing the corporate drive, and eliminating my birthday from any and every list I could find.

I am the company black sheep. But at least I ain’t the black dog.

I’ll let you know how it works out.


  1. James, Etta

    LOLOLOLOL. I love you when you’re bitter and bitchy!

  2. patsy

    Is this your way of saying you don’t want to be invited to my 40th bday bash in Belize? *pout*

  3. Velvet

    Oh Patsy, you are so so so wrong. I DO want to be invited to that! I love OTHER people’s birthdays. Just not my own.

    James, Etta – I’m quite bitchy today, aren’t I? I will be better tomorrow perhaps. It’s just that I cannot continue to post about the man and how happpppppppy we are. It gets old. Even I can admit that.

  4. Catherine

    Happy birthday LOL.
    I just had a baby…so when they sent the company wide e-mail…over 1500 people got it instead of just my department. So then the idiots that “reply to all” just totally made themselves look like idiots. I got in excess of 145 emails..just what I needed..

  5. Cyndy

    I hope you were successful in suppressing company-wide knowledge of your birthday. I never tell people it’s my birthday – I kind of sneak around hoping no one will know. But it can be a lot of fun when birthdays happen to other people.

  6. LiLu

    There is nothing worse at work than the office-birthday-celebration. At my old job, I actually made a petition to have the celebrations and especially the CARDS cease and desist. Everyone signed it, everyone was happy… and then when we gave it to the OM, she got totally pissed and disregarded it. Whore.

  7. Velvet

    Catherine – Thankfully, it has not arrived yet. Ha! And yes, your company might take the cake. That is very funny. Happy maternity leave! Hope you don’t get too far behind!! Here…let’s make it worse…

    Cyndy – I hope so too. We’ll see if someone figures it out. And damn as I just wrote that some guy just fucking came in my office and said, “So. Someone has a birthday coming up.” God. Damned. It.

  8. freckledk

    I rented out Citron for your special day. Wear something slutty.

  9. Velvet

    LiLu – People should be able to NOT celebrate if they want. Why do the jackasses always have to ruin it for the rest of us? Damn people and their adherence to the freaking rules.

    FreckledK – Ooooooh! I’m squealing with glee like an illegal Eastern European hot in search of a man fresh from a PUA training class! I’ll be there with my tube top, my syphillis and 6 inches of cake-up on my face so you can’t tell I’m really dead behind the eyes!!!

    Oh wait. It’s not Halloween. Nor is it April Fools Day.

  10. Uncle Keith

    I don’t know what a Black Dog T-Shirt is. Does that make me lucky or dumb?

  11. Muppet

    Calling the day of your birth your first rental eviction makes me happy.


    You make me miss D.C.

    And I have an actual black dog, who I only once put in a t-shirt. Ill-advised.

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