Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Part 14: So Much Water Moving Underneath the Bridge, Let the Water Come and Carry Us Away

August 4, 2007

It took the ex-Boss two and a half weeks to text again. I figured he was chickening out and I started to lose hope. I wasn’t going to text first, that just isn’t my style. I prefer to sit and wait instead of hunt and kill. Besides, truth be told, I had done enough over the years. Subtle or not.

The text I received was on a Friday afternoon. He said that his kids had found a sweater hanging behind my old office door and he would like to return it. I found it funny that he had to invent some lame excuse when we both knew what we were doing. We had waited almost four years for this moment, who were we kidding?

We made plans for that evening. I promptly went into panic mode, questioning what I was doing. Wondering if the whole time it was his soon to be ex setting a trap for me. I thought about not going, for about a half a second, then got in the shower, got in the car, and blasted Alice Cooper’s Poison 10 times in a row while I drove to his house.

When he opened the door he looked, just, great. Just like I remember from three months earlier. This was perhaps the longest we had gone without seeing each other since we had first met. And that night of texting was the longest, most drawn out foreplay we could have ever enacted.

We started with the Bombay and Tonics. We talked the stupidest small talk for hours. I mean, hours. I swear, I really thought when I walked in that he was just going to rip my clothes off and we would fuck like we were in the conjugal visit trailer, but we talked so much I started to wonder if anything was going to happen at all. We caught up on what we had missed in each other’s lives. He told me the separation had been so horrible that he doubted he would ever get married again. I said I couldn’t blame him. I told him one day I would job hunt again but for now I just didn’t feel like it. He said he couldn’t blame me. Oh my god. I think we’re back to the fucking friend zone. Eek! 911, 911! Help!!! I’m drowning!

When I was getting up to pee for the third time, at this point, sufficiently drunk, he asked why I kept going to pee.   Maybe not so obviously, I was totally nervous. But I didn’t want to admit it. Now that I was here, in front of him, it seemed like we wouldn’t be able to take the long platonic history we shared, shake it up, and let a ferocious sexual encounter take place.   As I closed the bathroom door on round #3, he said, “When you come out of the bathroom I want to know why you are peeing so much.”

I sat on the toilet and I just didn’t have a good answer. “I’m nervous” seemed so lame after the night of x-rated texting. It seemed even lamer considering we had waited so long for this moment. I finished, flushed, washed, walked back out there where he was sitting on the couch. Taking a page from a recent Jordan Baker seduction story she told one night, I bit the bullet, crawled into his lap, and straddled him in that way that conveys that my horse is going to win this race.

A line had officially, forever, been totally and completely crossed.

He grabbed my face and we started to kiss. A mad, passionate kiss of two people who had wanted to kiss each other for 3 years and 10 months. His hands were in my hair, knotting my hair up in his fists, and we had our tongues so deep inside each other that we could barely let up for air. I think my nose started running and I just didn’t care. The whole place could have burned down for all I cared. I was sick of waiting.

The mad makeout continued for a while but I just wanted more. Like all of you who have been commenting as such, I was there too. More. More. More.

I backed off his lap, stood up, took his hand, and we walked into the bedroom. It was time. I didn’t want to wait any longer. I was done waiting. Fuck waiting. Waiting is for Catholics.


  1. homeimprovementninja

    Cliffhanger much? HA!

    I would be reaaaaalllly pissed at this “tune in next week” crap if I hadn’t already heard the story.

  2. misty anne mathison

    i enjoyed this a little too much.

  3. Redhead

    I’m dying to know why he waited 2 1/2 weeks, used a lame sweater excuse, and then made you make the first move at his house. What’s up with that? He seemed like a direct guy. (Then again, I know shit about men.)

  4. Phil

    (singing in my head)…sooner or later it comes down to fate,
    I might as well be the one…
    You know only the good die youuung..

  5. Velvet

    Ninja – I’m cranking them out as fast as I can! Damn! Everyone’s a critic! And yes, you know how it turns out. Everyone knows how it turns out damn it!

    Misty – Well well well…all these years and finally, this is the post that brings you out of the woodwork? How are you???

    Redhead – I don’t know. We’ll need to ask him. I’m going to have to give him his own platform. He’s silent behind the curtain here, still reading along, but yes, I don’t get that either. My suspicions include 1) being chicken and 2) having another women lurking around.

    Phil – Did I pick a bad lyric title?

  6. Pook

    No wonder why your site is banned from the White House. I do want more, but at the same time its TMI. What a contradiction! Ok, we are all pervs, give us more!

  7. Phil


    While I don’t remember Billy Joel putting “fuck waiting” in his song, that’s just what immediately came to mind after reading the ending.

  8. JohnnyDC

    When I first heard Hewey Lewis song, I thougth the lyrics were-

    “Fucking on a thin line…!”

    Years later, I was sadly disappointed.

    But that title woulda fit perfectly.

  9. misty anne mathison

    i’m putting out there – i really enjoy a good romcom/saga/drama.

    ryan’s hope kind of stuff.

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