Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Part 20: Finale; I Won’t Go, I Won’t Sleep, I Can’t Breathe, Until You’re Resting Here With Me

It’s the end but it’s not the end. This is the last piece of the story, but the story keeps going, and yes, the blog keeps going. Shutting down hasn’t occurred to me, at least not yet.   And I don’t have a big engagement ring picture to show you. While that would be a happy end to the “story,” it’s not my end. (Caution. Big Femmie speak coming.) These last four years of blogging were about empowering ourselves as women to weed through crappy men and not settle for less than the best. Somehow, making the story end with a big rock and a wedding seems like selling out to me, to you, to everyone. I’m more introspective than that. That’s a major reason I hate Sex and the City and all that those dumb bitches stand for. They pretend to stand for empowerment of women, but really, they spent six seasons chasing unworthy men and shopping. Not exactly role models for any of us or our daughters or nieces.

Thank you for taking the journey with me, and with us. X is the great love of my life, and I feel so fortunate to have found him, to have been found, to have found each other.

I could keep going because life keeps going. I could regale you with stories about an old girlfriend who showed up in X’s life and temporarily made ours miserable. I could go through the details on when the ex Mrs. X found out about me and how she turned all her children (you know, the ones he raised and supported but didn’t contribute his sperm to) against him in a flash. I could tell you that he genuinely didn’t care, and that was the ultimate in satisfaction for me and closure for him. But all of that is just life. The details aren’t always important.

The lyrics from one of my favorite songs comes to mind here:

There are places I’ll remember all my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living in my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers there is no one who compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.
In my life I love you more.

I can’t lie and say that there aren’t conversations about marriage and babies, well, one baby, but we’re still trying to figure out where all of that stands. You know…we’re older. I’m 36. And sometimes I’m not sure if I have it in me to have a life with a baby in it now that I’m more set in my ways. And X is older than I am, and he’s been through the kid thing already. In five years, his kids could be off at college and we could have a nice simple life together. But in five years, when his kids are going off to college, we could be scouting around for a kindergarten class worthy of our prodigal child. I just don’t know which life we’ll have.

I was never that person who desperately wanted to be a mother. I know there are women out there who are maternally hard-wired. I’m not sure I’m one of them. Though, I can say out of dead honesty: I do think if I don’t at least try, then I will always wonder what having a child would have been like. My main reason for wanting to would be what X said to me one night over dinner: “If there are any two people in the world who should have a child together, it’s us.” I believe the impact of that statement would be lost if you hadn’t just spent the last four weeks reading about our history, because everyone thinks that. But with X and I, it’s been such a long journey and such a deep love resulting from the journey, that I believe not trying to have a child with him would be an epic fail.

As far as marriage goes, I’m not sure if every prescription to happiness includes marriage and kids. I’m a pretty staunch feminist, so I have spent the better part of the last month asking why people get married and why it’s necessary. In times when women couldn’t earn the same as their male counterparts, marriage was the only way to create and build a family. But now, no one can give me a valid reason to get married besides the usual crap:

Because it will make your parents happy.

Because it’s right for the kids if you want to live together.

Because you own property together.

Because you are going to have a baby together.

Because the ex wife could sue you for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. (That one was courtesy of my father.)

Because if he dies you have no claims to anything.

Because if he dies, his half of the house and car go to his kids, and because they are under 18, the ex wife will be the one you’ll deal with.

Yikes on that last one…

I remain on the fence. X said before we get married he will tell me exactly why we should. I’m still waiting. It’s a big joke with us now. Not to say we won’t get there, but, I’ve never been that girl. Bride’s magazines and visions of a perfect wedding dress? Yeah. Not so much. That’s never been me. Don’t bother looking for that Glamourshots photo of X and I in the New York Times or WaPo or anything like that. Anything commercial surrounding the wedding really pisses me off. A Vegas drive through or somewhere in the Keys on the beach would be just fine with me.

The love lessons here are inherent. You have to fall in love with your best friend. It’s truly the only way. Sometimes the person you are supposed to be with is right in front of your face. They don’t always come in the obvious form either. Sometimes you end up realizing that the situation surrounding the person you are fated to be with is not what you thought it would be. People have baggage. We all do. No one should feel that they are above it. Relationships take work. It’s important to know when to let go. But more important to know when not to.

Cliche, but, when two people are meant to be together, everything just aligns for them to do so. X had a wife for the first three years that I knew him. For those years I never considered for a moment that we would end up where we are today despite an obvious attraction on both sides. You can’t engineer fate, so while we may decide to “take control” of our lives, most of the work is done for us I believe by putting us in the right place at the right time. The little details are what lies in our hands.

X – I love you. Thank you for making my life an Epic Win, every day.

30 Comments

  1. Mr. X

    Why we will be married some day? I didn’t even have to tell you yet. You told you. The Beatles told you.

  2. Tyler

    Velvet, thank you for sharing all of this! I know that it means a lot to those of us that have been reading your posts all these years. I am glad to hear that after all those trials and tribulations, that you have gotten to the point where you are. I can tell that from this point forward, no matter what route you go, you guys will be happy! Congrats.

  3. Brett

    Thank you, Velvet, for telling your story. It gives me hope, and prods me to remember to have faith in the universe and the balance of things.

  4. allezoop

    I don’t want it to be over!

    I’m still smitten with Teh Smitten/Fencer4, and he informed me yesterday that he is also still smitten. Smittened! Like you said, the path of love is never what you think it will be. Stuff is complicated.

    Also, I bought us a box of Sham Wow’s at the CVS yesterday – we thought of you fondly when I used it to dab at wine in the carpet. Teh Smitten likes to use it as his bath towel, so I might have to stitch them all together so he can wrap them around his waist.

  5. Jo

    Thank you!

    As much as you say it’s not a mushy ending, it totally is and I’m happy it is! I loved this story!

    Odd thing one does not consider with the marriage thing and after almost 5 years before getting married I’ve thought about this a lot. Yes, there’s all those legal/family elements you mentioned above but there’s one thing I didn’t consider and didn’t expect, the increased…commitment? sense of right-ness? I’m not sure there’s a word for it. It’s a combination of how others perceive you as a couple and (totally unconsciously) how you perceive yourself.

  6. Patsy

    You’d better keep the updates coming, because I am all about showing off engagement rings! Fuck feminism, ha!

  7. Phil

    It was a good tale – and it didn’t end in sap! What more could I ask for?

  8. Velvet

    X – Don’t make fun!

    Tyler – Thank you. I do send the same wishes back to you too!

    Brett – It is true, there is very little we can control. You’ll be pumping gas and look across the pumps and there you go. Bam. The love of your life or a great new job is right across the bay.

    Allezoop – it’s NEVER over! Ha! But now we’re up to speed with the details so it’s easier to put everything in context that happens currently.

    Jo – I thought you would be on a honeymoon! I hear what you’re saying, people have said that to me as well, that it firms up a commitment and people take you more seriously. X said, “What are we going to call each other to the kids teacher if we have one, ‘my baby’s mama said…’???”

    Patsy – You little ho! And if we have a child, I will be bring him/her/it to Babe’s Chicken House, so get out that air mattress!!!

  9. Redhead

    Mr. X was the first commenter. That’s just completes the circle. Damn it…I’m crying in my office.

  10. bejeweled

    I have loved your blog from day one, and it’s funny to say “I loved your blog” because what this blog is is your life. So I guess I’m saying I love your life??? Creapy when you think about it. But I digress, after reading all 20 chapters, I’ve finally got that a-ha moment. Everything up until now has been not really been a mystery, but all the loose ends have been tied up. All the underlying things you’ve talked about in your blog now make sense. I love that there’s a happy continuance?? Not to make this about me, but I’m almost at that trifect you’ve been talking about. Man? Check. Wedding date Oct 3rd. New job? Check. That starts next week. All I have to do is sell my house and that’s in the works now. Thanks V for helping us all out, no matter how big or small! Now onto the next chapter…..

  11. Velvet

    Phil – I’m not about the sap, that’s for sure.

    Redhead – Aww!! That’s cute! Don’t cry though!

    Bejeweled – Damn, I was just thinking about you the other day! You do remember the nutty days around 2006, I think we were going through the same crap at the same time. I’m glad you’re working it all out and that the wedding is on the way! You went behind the scenes for a while – which is definitely a good thing. Hard to nurture a relationship when you’re living it online in full.

  12. ma

    God, you’re a smart woman. I have enjoyed learning about you and I think that you would make a good mother. You don’t have to be hardwired to do it. You’re surely raise a thinking kid. We don’t have enough of them in the world.

    I’m glad that my life has collided with yours for a little while.

  13. carrie m

    The last time I saw you was I think in December 2007, and I remember you telling me vaguely about Mr. X. And I remember me telling you how unhappy in my life I was (things are better now, and as always thanks for listening). And I think we may have chatted a couple of times in between, but I definitely remember you saying something about being in love with him even though it didn’t make sense…or something. And after reading all of this, it does make sense. You’re one a few people lately who have found their happy ending regardless of whether it resembled a fairy tale or romantic comedy or Shakespearean tragedy with someone unexpected. I’ve defined much of my life by my lack of success with men, and reading things like this remind me why I still believe that…well, I’d love to say that he’s out there. I do believe that. But like you said, the end of these journeys don’t have to end in a ring. I’m articulating very poorly, but all of this is just nice to know. I’m happy for you. And thank you for sharing.

  14. homeimprovementninja

    Well, I still think everyone is nuts (especially those of you with ovaries) and I maintain that the key to happiness is finding someone who is nuts in the same way you are. So congrats on finding your mental patient!

  15. Cyndy

    I’m glad that Part 20 could also just as easily double as Part One of the next chapter. And I’m glad there will be a next chapter! As far as marriage goes, it will make everything you have now seem even more real and you won’t know how that feels until you do it. I’ve been told that is also true about having kids, but I wasn’t curious enough about that to find out. The husband was plenty for me! Anyway, best wishes – I’m happy that everything is working out so well for you. It’s fun to read about the good stuff too!

  16. mysterygirl!

    This is wonderful.

  17. freckledk

    Agreed. This IS wonderful. YOU are wonderful. X is wonderful. The wonder of it all. Absolutely wonderful.

    xo

  18. poplarpa

    Thanks for sharing the ending! I have been following the blog for a while and my reason for getting married to the love of my own life is that I couldn’t imagine waking up anywhere but next to him. You don’t have to be the perfect wife to anyone else but him. He doesn’t have to be the perfect husband to anyone but you. You get to write your own ending from there. Congratulations!

  19. Pook

    Thanks for the shout out. I think one of the reasons I have loved reading your blog over the years is that I see a lot of you in me. Its a reflective blog for me.

    I never dreamed my perfect wedding, and didn’t need to get married, just like you. But I did. My guy is more conventional than I am and we both come from traditional families so I guess it was just easier to do it. I’d say an advantage of marriage is lower car insurance, lower taxes, and having more authority when picking up things like dry cleaning. I don’t really believe that a marriage makes the relationship better. And I didn’t take his name.

    Kids are still on the fence for us. We are very selfish with our lives, but I know we would be the best parents (to human babies) if we did go down that road. I, too, don’t want to regret in 10 years to have never plopped one out. Sounds appealing right?

    I have two wonderful furballs that I mother, and am content (for now) to just have them. I think they have more personalities than most humans, anyway.
    See any similarities now?

    Velvet, I’m glad you found happiness. Its so much easier when its the right one.

  20. Tacoma!

    So, so happy for you!
    Loved all of the parts-looking forward to where things are going.
    When Mr X first came upon the scene I thought “I wonder if it’s the boss she mentioned? He seemed pretty awesome”

    Love is funny and wonderful!
    And a possible future kid? They would have the best person as a mom- someone who would stand up for, love, and challenge them. Hopefully you would blog that in your own inimitable way.
    God damn I’m imagining that mommy blog- totaly hilarious.

  21. Velvet

    ma – Thank you for the kind words. I’ll probably raise an asshole kid. That would be my luck. A kid…just…like…me.

    Carrie M – Aww. It’s so good to “see” you again! I agree that the happy end is different for everyone. I do believe he is out there. It’s all timing, fate, that stuff. We are long overdue for some drinking.

    Ninja – Um…glass house? Meet Ninja. Ninja, meet gay turtleneck. Ha ha.

    Cyndy – I love the people who get married and don’t have kids. It reaffirms my belief that the two (marriage and kids) DO NOT necessarily go hand-in-hand.

    MG, Freckled K – Thank you. You bitches are so sweet to me.

    Poplarpa – Thanks for the input. That sounds like a good reason to solidify it and make it permanent.

    Pook – Soon you will be back here on the east coast and we can meet! I love that you have more dry-cleaning picking up authority. That’s pretty good! And a mother to furballs – see, they can’t talk back. AND you can leave them home all day alone without fears of child services showing up to remove them from your house. It’s a good deal. And yes, I see a lot of similarities!

    Tacoma! – Oh. My. God. Where have you been? Yes yes, it’s the boss. He’s been in the background for a long time around here. I remember when one of Sherlock’s women threatened to call my job or something and I laughed in his face and said, “She’s going to do what – tell my boss I write a blog? I dare her!” Yes. It’s that boss. He wouldn’t have cared. A mommy-blog. Oh. Yikes. The ones out there are positively terrifying, and not in a good way.

  22. Laura

    Like everyone, I’m glad the blog continues!

    So much of what you’ve written over the past few years, past few weeks specifically, and in this last entry has felt authentic to me — in sharp contrast to much of what we consume elsewhere (be it real life or entertainment). We strive for a “happy ending” but there is no such thing, just tomorrow and the day after that and our best effort. I’ve given a lot of thought lately to what is happiness, and I think it’s living an authentic, interesting life that follows no set script. It certainly can end up with love and marriage/kids/house/etc, but the core of our existence has to be honesty toward ourselves, our reality, our limitations, our dreams, our experience. Your path to X (and I would put it more as your path to an equilibrium and peace in your life?) was uniquely your own. That’s compelling. That’s why we read this blog.

    And thanks, I am in love! But I am cognizant that I have NO IDEA what life will be like for me in a year, in several years, in a decade. So, like this blog, I plan to live in installments, keep a sense of humor, never forget that it’s my adventure, and appreciate that promise of more entries to come is better than any “happy ending.”

    Thanks for sharing. Your love story is inspiring.

  23. Tammie

    Thank god this series is over. I ‘ve love it but let’s get back to something interesting for a change.

  24. hungry

    I guess I’m the only one who’s going to say it – I love a happy ending! Especially when it happens to someone I like!

  25. Velvet

    Laura – The unknown of the future can be scary for sure, but you are right. You need to live for today.

    Tammie – I didn’t realize you were paying me to generate content YOU find interesting. I’ll try to keep that in mind as I write my blog – to try to make it interesting for you so that you continue with your paid subscription. Oh. Wait. Yeah. Suck it.

    Hungry – Thank you! But there is no ending really, is there?

  26. Sharkbait

    Velvie!!! I know-how long has it been?! I just want you to know that this whole story warms my heart and you totally deserve every happiness that comes your way!!!

    I to found the man of my dreams and got married. At this point-no kids for a long while for us either!!!

    HUGS to you!! I am so glad you are SO happy!

  27. AussieEm

    *le sigh* That’s just lovely. I will echo all the previous comments and say it’s been great to read the story of Velvet and Mr X. Three cheers for the both of you! 🙂

  28. LiLu

    From one smitten-ass dork to another, congrats, my dear. The stories go on… 🙂

  29. Dara

    I know I’m late to the party, but wanted to add my two cents/legal opinion.

    Congratulations. And get married. If anything happens to either one of you, you want the other one to be the next-of-kin. That’s one of the main reasons people are fighting for their right to get married.

  30. Siryn

    Thanks for recounting the story. I wish I had read this sooner, but I’ve been on my own crazy ride and I’m just getting off of it.

    I’m happy that you finally have someone who isn’t crazy and it’s real. I always had doubts about the freaks you dated here, and I’m a huge believer in not wasting time with people if it’s not there, especially crazy fuckers like Sherlock.

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