Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

You Were Quicker Than They Thought

This entire week has been a bit of a clusterfuck. I think I’ve spent more time on the phone with people discussing work than I’ve actually been at work. X really thinks I work at the inspiration for “The Office.”

It took a year and a half but I am fed up. And I’m on the other side now – which is fine, because the “other side” is like an old pair of college sweatpants. I remember it, yet, it’s been so long! I can only get here with the exact prescription of equal parts of busting my ass and getting screwed over. Let’s see, when was the last time this happened? Shady land developer in Maryland? Check. Drunken boss at Archstone Smith? Check. Psychotic drug addicts at Calvin Klein Buying Offices? Check check check.

Let’s see…what happened to all those people at those jobs?

Land Developer: Currently filing bankruptcy on roughly a dozen projects to avoid having to cough up judgments against him that total probably $25 million dollars. Now see that the courts are garnishing his bank accounts. I. Feel. So. Sorry. For. You. Cough.

Archstone Smith Boss: Not sure of her whereabouts. Damn google, don’t fail me now. Though I believe the second “A” in “AA” stands for Anonymous. So maybe she sobered up and I just can’t find it online.

Calvin Klein: Division I worked with eventually folded and ceased doing business. The only sweet non-jaded person there became a namesake of the very successful high end Lambertson Truex brand. Well done. Calvin Klein, on the other hand, over licensed his name so much that I think it holds as much value as this booger I just picked out of my nose.

Can someone pass me a tissue?

Anyway, people always get what is coming to them. Or they live miserable lives because they are just so despicable. Let me give a bit of history on the current spectacle going on at work:

My very dear friend at work, Lily, with whom I have bonded over many things – not the least of which is her marrying into a nutjob Greek family (uh, hello, this script was written for me) is going through a crisis of mega-proportions. Let’s see. How shall I put this? A show of hands, please. How many of you would like to be 8 & 1/2 months pregnant and married to the love of your life?

My friend has been out of the office on and off since the summer. When she finally came back after a long absence she told me the heart wrenching truth about what was going on. Now, how about if I asked you the same question as above with one postscript – How many of you would like to be 8 and 1/2 months pregnant and married to the love of your life who has been told he only has 3 months to live? I see the hands all went down.

I told X. He and I were back and forth on the phone all day saying, “What the fuck are we doing? What are we waiting for?” He would call back and say, “I can’t stop thinking about Lily.” To say that something in someone else’s life changed ours is an understatement. We put our plans together and have specific timelines for how they must unfold. But that is a story for another day.

Back to my friend. When she came back to work after the absence and finally told me the whole saga, we obviously bonded a lot more.   When Lily would come into the office I would go over to check up on her. On one particular day I was over in her office for 45 minutes. This apparently pissed several people off, including her boss, Bipolar Betty. It happened a month ago, yet, it has put into motion a whole series of events, each one stupider than the last, that it is really hard to believe that this sort of bullshit even goes on in the lives of adults.

The funniest part of all of this is that our company has the nerve to persecute Lily and I for one 45 minute conversation on a day when neither of us took a lunch anyway, and yet, people see fit to take 5 cigarette breaks a day at 10 minutes a shot, also take a lunch, leave early, and stand around most of the day talking. Yet, for us, this stupid shit of this one day that happened over a month ago, keeps coming up. The other day I was in her office for 10, maybe 12 minutes tops, and there were allegedly multiple “complaints” that people couldn’t find me for over an hour and that we were in there talking about nothing for an hour. The funniest part is that we were talking about work related things. So now Lily and I have come out swinging, fighting about all the bullshit and comments people are making.   There are so many convoluted lies in all of this that it’s just become reminiscent of middle school drama.

So today, during our monthly birthday celebration, with the whole company stuffed into the conference room, I waited for Lily to walk in and I said, “Oh, it’s YOU. DON’T TALK TO ME. I wouldn’t want anyone to say that because we talked for 1 minute that we were in the conference room making out for an hour and a half.” She got her piece of cake and when she made chatter with someone next to her I said, “That’s just about enough. You have been in here for hours. Get back to your desk. I’m going back to mine because it’s been too long now in the same room with you.”

She sent me an email telling me she loved me. I called her (because I don’t trust our email much like I don’t trust anything else or anyone else there) and said, “It’s like the jerk store now. I keep thinking of more things I’m going to say.'” She said, “Everyone heard you.” I said I didn’t think they did but she said she’s sure both my boss and hers heard.

Good. GOOD. I’m so happy about that. They have no idea what happens to people who fuck with me without provocation.

I hope that no one needs those two drawers of files I threw out yesterday or the year’s plus worth of emails I deleted today. Someone said to me this afternoon: “Your office is looking suspiciously clean.” Oh? Is it? Gee. I wonder what goodies the trash can will get tomorrow! I’m giddy with anticipation!

Do you know what the worst part of this whole thing really is? It’s not the pettiness or the 45 minutes of lost work time or the backstabbing tattletails. It’s the fact that Lily’s going through a major situation that no one else at work is going through, and probably will never go through, and they can’t seem to dig deep into their hearts and find some fucking compassion and understanding. That has to be the most unforgivable part of this.


  1. Cyndy

    It really is appalling how self-absorbed some people can be. I’m sad to say that a lot of people don’t pay any attention at all to the misfortunes of others. I know. I feel so sorry for your friend – that’s a very sad and scary situation she’s in.

  2. Velvet

    Cyndy – I agree on all counts. Self-absorbed, and phony. I forgot to mention that some of the very people who are the problems here are the ones who threw Lily a shower a week ago. Now we’re both saying that we wish this blowup happened earlier – because then instead of going to a shower, we both could have declined and made our point. Fake fake fake. I hate fake people.

  3. Lily

    I’ve learned a lot about compassion in the last few weeks. Compassion is something you either have or you don’t. You can only be taught to have compassion at an early age. If you haven’t developed compassion by a certain stage in your life, you will never have it. Compassion can be faked, but if you’re faking it, anyone who is going through a serious tragedy in their life will see right through it. The truth is some of the people who have shown real compassion for what is happening to my husband are the people I know the least. I don’t know how I would get out of bed in the morning and face that horrible place without people like Velvet. People who really care. People who have compassion.

  4. Phil

    Get back to work.

  5. allezoop

    Dear Velvet – Why are you so awesome? I’m glad you keep writing.

    I’m sending better job karma your way and all sorts of better karma in Lily’s direction. With regard to your company, I just love how payback’s a bitch.

  6. JohnnyDC

    I’m reporting you to HR.

    Right after my three smoke breaks.

  7. Washington Cube

    Thank God Lily has you, Velvet, and Phil? You make me laugh.

    I should write about my clean office moment involving a trigger point of a gay co-worker and an underaged same sex intern. I’ve sat at that empty desk, waiting for change.

  8. Velvet

    Lily – You have also learned a lot about stupidity too, haven’t you?

    Phil – I know!

    Allezoop – Since I broke the work-seal now, it’s all downhill from here.

    Johnny DC – That is EXACTLY what goes on.

    Cubie – You have some funny stories. Time to tell! Share with us. We’ll all sit in a circle while you tell! Cleaning offices is fun. All my pics of Sammy and Thora – gone. “Fail blog” wall – dismantled. Spare shoes – all at home now. We’ll see if anyone puts two and two together. Doubtful.

  9. Washington Cube

    You’re smart for doing this Velvet. Seriously. I did the same thing: reference books…at home. Old files..secretly tossed. Emails deleted. Decorative pillow in guest chair? Home. Pics. Home.

    You find yourself working at bare bones level. It’s like the Robert DeNiro character in the movie “Heat” who keeps telling his thieving work crew, “A guy told me one time, “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.”

    Sounds like you can walk in 30 seconds.

    When you look at the big picture versus this….bogus stupid nonsense, it makes you ill to think you are living your life at such a reduced capacity, dealing with dickwads. Hugs to you and to your friend Lily.

  10. Divorcee

    That really sucks about Lily…..see they always say that the troubles that you are facing there is always someone else that has more troubles and never judge anyone from their actions all the time cause you never know what that person is going through….I actually found all of that out on a deeper level….I think everyone tends to get so caught up in themselves these days and never looks at the “big picture”

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