Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

That Frozen Concoction That Helps Me Hang On

X and I decided on a whim to leave town. We started discussing wedding, plans, and going away and realized that we weren’t going to be able to fit it in after the wedding. So we took the dogs and went to the Keys.

When I finished grad school several years ago, I found this place in the middle of nowhere in the Keys that allowed dogs and they could be off leash. I went down there and had the time of my life doing absolutely nothing. So X and I made arrangements to go back and while I was worried because there’s not a lot to do there and X needs constant entertainment, it was paradise. He loved it, I loved it, the dogs loved it. As we always do, we started talking about buying a place in the Keys and how nice it would be to live there. We always talk about that, wherever we go. Aah, if only money weren’t in the way.

The owner of the place came outside one night and we asked him to have a drink with us. He said he only drinks scotch. So X told him to go grab his scotch. He goes inside and comes back out, not with a little highball glass of scotch. No, that drunk comes back with a 16 ounce glass of scotch, filled to the top. No wonder he passed out on the patio every night and his wife had to drag him to bed! What a way to live.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety about getting married. It’s funny to get to a place where you finally feel ready and then, you get scared. I always said no one should get married before 35, but now, as I’m on the other side of that by 2 years, I think I’m revising my former sentiment. I think younger than 30 is still too young. But if you get married after 35, you’re set in your ways. It’s a difficult adjustment to think about consolidating households and merging lives. Not impossible – just an adjustment. Now I think that perfect window is somewhere between 30 and 35. At least for me I suppose.

We spent 2 days driving home and Sammy almost got himself molested at a rest stop. Some creepy guy got out of his car, had no shirt on, and had pants that were just hovering above his pubes on the front, and exposing full butt crack in the back. X said when I was walking the dogs the molester saw me and was just watching me with the dogs, and didn’t realize X was in the car behind him and that we were together. When we started walking back toward the car, the molester tried to get Sammy’s attention and I just knew that nosy little dog was going to go over and get all of us kidnapped and thrown in a basement somewhere. But that X. He saw it all unfolding, and jumped out of the car and shuffled me and the dogs in real quick. When we were driving off, we saw the molester had a security uniform in his car. Ugh. No telling what he’s up to.

X wanted to drive straight through to home, but I wanted to stop. Of course we picked the worst place to stop because there were like 3 family reunions in that town that weekend, so the hotels were all booked. We finally got a room in the far corner of a hotel, in the woods under a broken down billboard. It was scary. Of course, I have a low bar for what I find acceptable accommodations. This is honed from years of experience in the Velvet Family, where my dad made us stay at the most disgusting places you could ever imagine. I remember we stayed at this Thunderbird Motor Lodge once and my brother, the family elitist, was comatose for 3 days. This of course is the same brother who won’t eat at Denny’s, IHop, Waffle House, Huddle House or anything along those lines because they are dirty, gross, and have sticky syrup everywhere. He makes me laugh my ass off.

Because it was a bit scary, I slept with that “one-eye-open” thing. I felt like I couldn’t really relax, and questioned whether X was right and we should have just pushed onward to home. We woke up at 6 a.m to all this banging, and the stupid New Yorkers next door to us were leaving. We got to hear their entire conversation, as well as their door slamming over and over as they went in and out, packing the car. Just when it was almost over, and they were about to drive off, one of them had to take a shit, which he announced so loud they probably heard it up at the next exit. Shoot me. Really.

Anyway, here they are, my little muffins, doing what they do best. Lounging.



And, on the way home..




  1. LiLu

    Oh, South of the Border. You are so DELICIOUSLY TACKY.


  2. Carla

    The last picture of them is AWESOME. LOVE it!

  3. Cyndy

    That sounds like a wonderful vacation. There’s nothing like a scary hotel on the way home to help you appreciate being home afterwards.

    And I’m so jealous of Sammy and Thora. When I was growing up we begged and begged to stop at South of the Border but my parents would never ever stop there on our yearly trips to Florida. Not even once. I finally made it there when I was in college.

  4. Velvet

    South of the Border ROCKS!

    Cyndy it’s too bad that your parents wouldn’t stop there. In its heyday, it was a pretty cool place. It used to be really busy, and they had some kick ass tamales and Mexican food. Now it’s a rundown, mostly deserted eyesore.

  5. Washington "I Need Beach Time" Cube

    The babies look adorable in that last shot. I have some cousins in Florida (transplants.) One lives on a spit of land out in the Gulf of Mexico…Gulf Breeze? If there’s a hurricane, she’s in it’s path. My memories of Florida as a child are daily rain and people with a lot of bad septic systems. I’m with your brother on those “X” spots. They are FILTHY!…and you know it too, Velv.

    I hope you brought home a superior tan for your wedding.

    P.S. You didn’t set an age line for childbirth. One more thing to think about.

    P.P.S. Are you serving Greek food at the wedding?

    P.P.P.S. What flowers are you carrying, shoes, jewels…we need an update….hair up or down?

  6. Tyler

    Yay, the Keys!!! Email me the name of the place, I am going to have to check it out! Sounds great.

    I agree with your assessment of 30-35. Maybe that’s just because that’s where we fall… 🙂

    And love South of the Border. I always seem to time my gas stops right about that spot!

  7. Velvet

    Cubie – What’s the PS mean – an age line for childbirth?

    I did get a great tan, but it might fade by the time the wedding rolls around, so I’ll have to work on it some more! X is picking the flowers, ha ha, so he’ll have to update us on that! Hoping for hair down…but the weather, ugh!

    Tyler – I sent it to you! I just checked South of the Border’s hotel rates, $59+ damn! For that rundown shack!

  8. Washington "I Need Beach Time" Cube

    and yes…an age in your mind when you start thinking (if you are headed that for) for making babies.

  9. Washington "HEE Haw" Cube

    I think Loretta Lynn had it right. Get pregnant at oh…12. By the time your kids are out of college, you’re in your 30’s with “empty nest syndrome” and free and clear. Then you could kick back and say “Don’ you go bringin’ no babies in her Sallie Sue Jefferson Davis. I ain’t watchin’ them for ya.” Jerry Lee Lewis set this precedent when he married his 13-year old cousin.

    ……waiting for Phil to come after me and challenge me to some Southern duel thing…with banjos? 🙂

  10. Velvet

    Cube! I’m 37! We gotta get started tout suite!!!

  11. LA Cochran

    Dogs love kitsch. Fact.

  12. suicide_blond

    i just printed and posted that pic of the pups at SoB on my bulli board!
    sounds like you are having fun…good for you kiddo…

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