Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Couldn’t Get It Right

Well, my mom has kicked into Mother-of-the-Bride mode. Woo hoo. Finally. Among other things, she told me that she was thinking to ask my brothers to make a toast at the wedding. I said, “You and Dad don’t want to do it?” She doesn’t want to speak in public. And my dad? Well, let’s just say that as children, we were so confused how the man who words failed on the regular could actually be a lawyer and argue, and win a case, that my brother went to watch him in court. He came home after and said, “Daddy is a totally different person in court. He’s not the Dad we know, who says ‘Velvet, it’s uh, time, uh, what’s this over here? Who left this here. Hey. Time for uh, dinner. Did anyone see my glasses?”

When my mom bestowed this news on my brother and added in that he needs to say something simple and nice, my brother responded with the following:

“I was thinking of doing a slideshow of all her ex-boyfriends and saying ‘Well, thank God THIS is over’ then slapping her on the ass and giving her a big wedgie in her dress.”

My mom was hilariously laughing. Camera pans to my dad.

With a totally straight face because the joke eluded him, he said, “Uh, I wouldn’t do that if I uh, were you. She uh, might get mad.”


  1. Washington "I Want A Slice To Dream On" Cube

    I would love a Power Point at your wedding. You can control the laser pointer. Actually all of the “ex’s” getting invited might be fun…then lock them into a chained link fence for a wrestling death match. Saves money on a band.

    It sounds like you are sliding into these final weeks with your sanity (and humor) intact….I think.

  2. Velvet

    Yeah, a powerpoint would be hilarious. My brother used to say that I had dated the Village People. He would always scream “The Indian! The Indian!” because that’s who of the lineup I was missing, apparently. I can recall the cop, the construction worker, the biker…

  3. Phil

    I wound rank the bride getting a wedgie as being the best wedding/reception ever.

  4. Washington "I Don't But Let's Talk" Cube

    There are all sorts of “best evers.” “The bride wore no underwear.” “The bride got drunk and told everyone what she REALLY thought of them.” “The dogs got to the food table and ran off with the rib eye and lobster.” “Someone standing up and saying they had reasons to contest the wedding…and not holding their peace.”

  5. Velvet

    Oh jesus, X would LOVE it if I wore no underwear. Since the beginning of our relationship, he would ask when I was driving to work or going somewhere and we were on the phone, “What are you wearing.” I would describe my outfit and he would say, “panties?” I’d describe those too, and he says, “it was a yes or no question. Try to make sure the answer is no next time.”

    It actually took me 3 or 4 rounds of that before I learned the right answer.

    He asked, “What are you wearing under your wedding dress?” I said, “NOTHING!”

  6. Washington "Knows the Drill" Cube

    My kind of guy…and you’re my kind of female, but then we knew that.

  7. Barbara

    I love your family. At least everyone seems to be talking to each other. Are your brother’s children in the wedding — or are S & T taking over those traditional roles?

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