Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

To Love Somebody, Naturally

It’s happening on Friday. I can’t believe it’s 2 days away.

Here’s the song we’ll play when the moms and my nieces-as-flowergirls enter:


I’d like Sammy and Thora to go down the aisle too during this time, but I’m thinking they won’t be able to figure that part out. There’s a left turn involved, and frankly, to be screaming “GO TO DADDY!” during the processional just seems ghetto. And ghetto and Connecticut don’t really belong in the same place. Though I would like to be the one who does bring the ghetto to the establishment, I’ll spare my mom. It’s bad enough she’s going to see all my tattoos when she’s getting me into my dress. I have to remember to bring her some valium. She’s so much more fun that way.

This is the song I’ll be walking down the aisle to:

Love it. Really love it. I’m so pleased with my music selection so don’t make fun!

There’s still a lot to do. I am amazed at how much work goes into planning a wedding. I should have hired a coordinator, but we were trying to make this a small, easy event. No such luck. We’re dealing with a crappy situation. It seems that despite the fact that X and I have made decisions and given instructions, nothing seems to go right with the venue. It’s incredibly frustrating. I love the place we picked. I don’t love the person we are stuck working with. I guess when one’s husband buys them a restaurant to run, they can pretty much do whatever they want. Or don’t want. They can ignore emails for weeks on end, they can ignore voicemails, and when they fax things to clients, they can put them in the fax machine backward so all the client gets are blank pages on their end. They can also tell clients that instead of having tables of 10 or tables of 8, they should have tables of 9. Are you a fucking idiot? Tables of 9? So you want me to split up husbands from wives, gays from partners, and moms from kids? I get that there aren’t that many people coming to this shindig, but damn.

Mommy is ready to go into mega-bitch mode. She’s starting every other sentence with “Do your father and I need to go down there?” OMG! NO!!!! We’ll be BANNED! I’m sure she’ll rip someone’s head off by the time this is over. Hopefully not a family member. Yikes. If I had to place bets, I still vote for my sister-in-law and mom are going to get into it. Let’s be clear though – Mommy is on my side right now. When she’s not, she’s Gloom. But for now, she’s on my side so she’s Mommy. I’m sure she and my dad will be back to Gloom and Doom soon enough.

The photographer (who I love to pieces) wants to take family pictures during the cocktail hour. I’ll have to break it to her that my dad will not take any time away from the Clam Chowder cups that will be passed during that hour, so she can pretty much stick that idea up her ass. I think she thinks she’s dealing with the Kennedy’s when she’s really getting the Simpsons.

Well lovers, I’m off. I have music to mix, dogs to bathe, gray hairs to spot-dye, mani’s and pedi’s to get, and I have to drive to Connecticut where the work of assembling the favors, writing out the place cards and drinking myself into a stupor must take place.

Then, sometime after all that is done, I get to kiss my husband.


  1. Washington "I Always Cry At Weddings" Cube

    I hope and pray the day is lovely. Let me say something snarky about Van Halen? Pweeze? That would be Eddie speaking of his soon to be ex wife, that she’s “fat and an old bag.” :::handing mirror to him::: while contemplating “Not Enough.”

    I’m glad your Mom is in your corner. It’s terrible facing a wedding when they are not. We never did hear about a honeymoon. Guess we get that info later.

    Seriously. Best wishes to the both of you and may your mutual and shared dreams come true. Happy ever after as it should be. Nodding.

  2. Amy

    We will be thinking of you! Hope your day is as wonderful and fun as ours was. Without the crazy backwards tn preacher!!! Love you!

  3. Mr. X

    And I get to kiss my wife.

  4. Pook

    OMG, I didn’t know it was right around the corner!
    I know how it is going to go: Velvet who has an eagle eye and is very detailed oriented is going to spot every little thing that didn’t happen or is wrong. I know because that’s what I did and I’m not nearly as detailed as you.
    But don’t fret, no one notices the small things that didn’t go as planned. Trust, it passes by sooo quickly, make the most of it. Just look into his eyes and relish the moment hopefully with the babies at your side.

  5. Velvet

    Cubie – Thank you! The honeymoon was already had – that was when we went to Florida. X and I would like to go to Italy, but um, how can I put this without sounding like a retard? Well. I can’t, so I’ll just say it. I am having a hard time leaving the dogs these last few years. I feel like my time with them is limited, they are clearly getting on in their years, and it pains me to leave them. Gawd I’m a loser.

    Amy – I LOVED your preacher. That was so freaking funny. And funnier that I brought my dogs to your wedding too, and that was 10 years ago! See, I really do bring them everywhere.

    X – I can’t wait. XOXOXOXO

    Pook – I am going to be a mess. But my mom said she and my dad will come early and whip everyone into shape. I have no doubt. Truly. There will be track marks over everyone there, or by god they will be writing letters to the town newspaper and putting the place out of business.

  6. Anon

    Velvet, I have been reading you for years and even after my relocation to Europe 4 years ago. Your stories make me smile, laugh and somewhat miss DC but most of all it gives me hope that my Mr X is out there. Best wishes for a wonderful day and life with X.

  7. Fencer4

    It might not be to late to get a wedding coordinator just for the day itself. It’s cheaper but it makes it easier to just enjoy and not have people keep coming up to you and and asking questions about all the little stuff. just a thought.
    And by the way congrats and all the best of wishes.

  8. mysterygirl!

    Yay! Have a wonderful day. I’m sending you my best wishes.

  9. carrie m

    Sending best wishes and congrats again. So excited and I can’t wait to hear all about it. It will all go beautifully, even the fuck ups will seem beautiful at the end.

    More hugs to you, the dogs, and X!

    PS – I might leave the issues of The Knot at work so I can use them to lift while I’m at my desk.

  10. Dagny Taggart

    Congratulations to you both – I’ll be thinking of you, and keeping my fingers crossed for everything to go as perfectly as possible!

  11. Cyndy

    It’s going to be a wonderful day!
    Congratulations and Best Wishes!

  12. Tyler

    Yay!!! It’s gonna be a great day!!

  13. Carla

    Congrats! I can’t freaking wait to see the pictures!

    Super exciting!!

  14. Laura

    I hope you have a super fun time and an even better marriage!

    It’s been fun to read you and see all these wonderful things happen in your life. Congrats!

  15. Rachelle

    OMG, Congrats!!! I am sooooo happy for you!

  16. Amy

    Congratulations! I hope now this will become a newlywed blog, then mommy blog!

    BTW, I completely understand what you mean about your dogs. I didn’t go anywhere that wasn’t school or work related for the last two years of my dog’s life. Now we have two new ones, and I am all atwitter about who is qualified enough to take care of them for 7 days, and will they be emotional wrecks when we get back!

    You will make wonderful memories however the day goes!

  17. KassyK

    I am so so excited for you. I know it will be a beautiful day and you will have the time of your life. I am so glad I was able to give you a hug before you left.

    Thank you for everything you have done for me this week.

    You are the best. And your day will be the best!! I cannot wait to see how gorgeous you and your man and your pups look in your wedding finery.

    Did you think I could get that mushy? Well it just happened.

    Love you. xoxo

  18. Siryn

    I’m so happy that you’re getting to use those words “my husband.” Win! It’s going to be gorgeous, and it doesn’t matter if you’re the Kennedys, something is going to get fucked up, so don’t sweat it.

    On my sister’s wedding day, the garbage man picked up the flower arrangements that were sitting outside the house near the bin. We had to get new flowers! Not something you want to do a few hours before the wedding!

    You’ve already had the dress debacle, let’s hope that was the last one. And make sure you rake that restaurant over the coals afterward, with bad internet reviews.

    Love you, enjoy!!!

  19. suicide_blond

    thinking bout you all day today…

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