The two big questions everyone seems to ask me now are “So are you selling your place?” (OMG STFU NO I AM NOT, GET YOUR GOD DAMNED MITTS OFF!) and “So is it different being married?”
Huh. Well, no. It’s not.
At least, not for X and I. Our relationship remains exactly the same, with a bit of a twist. I think I’m exactly the same. Granted, we’re only a month in, but yes, this is what I thought it would feel like. X keeps saying he’s on Cloud 9. I had to rationalize to him that he has something to compare this marriage to – another marriage. I have nothing to compare it to. I have lived my life knowing I wouldn’t get married unless I felt the way I feel about X. So when that happened, there you go. Married. No change. Just as I expected.
X married someone who was close but no cigar. Right time, wrong person, wrong decision I guess. When that went horribly wrong, he thought he would never get married again. Now that he’s entrenched in our marriage, he says he has such a different feeling. So okay, it’s different for him, but no, nothing has changed for me.
What is a surprise is that the marriage between X and I has changed some outside forces. I had a very extended conversation with an engaged bloggie friend, Carrie, and she mentioned that her single friends were acting weird, and she felt like a sellout. Girl. I felt your pain. Totally. I had some interesting reactions from single friends. I never was the rub-it-in-your-face-oh-my-god-look-at-my-ring type person. I was also the never I’ve-been-dreaming-about-my-wedding-since-I-was-five girl either. So when I got engaged, I didn’t exactly announce it to people. I just sort of let them figure it out.
Work was the funniest. Someone I barely see came up to me after a meeting and cooed, “I see something sparrrrrkly on your hand that wasn’t there the other dayyyy!!!” (He’s gay, obviously.) But people I see all the time, like my partner at work? Hilarious. I waved that thing in his face day after day and he never noticed.
So when I had some people over to celebrate Sammy turning 10 this past winter, one of my girlfriends who got there first saw the ring. Then as other people arrived, she asked, “Did you know about X and V got engaged?” Someone actually looked over at me, grabbed my hand to look at the ring, and said -wait for it – in front of X and his kids, “Why do I only hear the negative stuff?” Our other girlfriend hit the person on the arm as if to say “inappropriate” and instead of saying sorry and shutting the hell up, nope, she repeated it louder.
Not sure why this would be someone’s reaction. And if X were any different of a man, and had a different reaction, or a low self-esteem, this could have been detrimental for our relationship. I was pretty hurt by this comment, and therefore cut the communication until it became totally obvious by the “you’ve been ignoring me” email, so I presented my case. An apology was made, an apology was accepted, and life moved on.
I need to stop having a soft heart.
Six months later, in the throes of wedding planning, I began a systematic freak out, Velvet style. Amidst the pills, crying, and the “I should go to the Gulf and help clean the Pelicans” meltdown, I made the colossal mistake of mentioning my anxiety to the above person. While X and I were on our pre-wedding honeymoon where I was sans internet connection, I had to find out that something sat on my Facebook Wall, for all to see, for the better part of a fucking week. I believe it said something along the lines of, “So are you going to get married or not?”
Does anyone besides me see how hurtful this is?
So has anything changed at the one month and one day mark past our wedding date? Yeah. I’ve gotten smarter. I made my list of priorities and my husband is first. Friends for me are no longer half-assed. It’s all or nothing. If you can’t keep my confidences, if you’ve proven to not be a good friend to me or to someone else who I know of, if I couldn’t trust you alone with X despite the fact that he only has eyes for V, if you create unrelenting drama way beyond the garden variety nuttiness? I’m out.
I’m guessing the priority realignment happens again once there are kids. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to find out. For now, I just know that I can no longer get sucked into drama, and I will no longer allow people to make drama for me, especially when it comes to X, who routinely asked me through the years, “Do you have any normal friends?” I kept telling him to just wait until he saw who made the very exclusive cut at the wedding. Four high school girlfriends, one girlfriend I met when I was 22 who coincidentally married my brothers best friend and his parents are best friends with my parents, and my friend from my crazy days in Atlanta. Shoot, one of my high school girlfriends witnessed our freaking marriage license for god’s sake.
X said, “I finally get it now. You’ve got an inner circle. I just hadn’t seen it before.” I like to think my credibility is restored in his eyes, once again.
I’m in some loyal true blue blogging ring, I hope.
The I should go to the Gulf and help clean the pelicans meltdown is one of the funniest parts of that story, I have to say. It’s the perfect socially-conscious freak-out. 🙂
(have another update for you, btw– expect an email today)
“Normal friends” isn’t it what I meant. Consistent friends is it. Some of your friends aren’t “normal”, but they are “consistent”. Those are the great ones.
Cube — giving the waxer is the gift that keeps giving. Thanks from me.
VW (“Velvet Wife”) — Credibility? I know I have the quote wrong, but it works for me, “Credibility is like virginity … I now have the box it comes in”. Never an issue, it’s always there for me.
What’s the old saying?
A good friend will get you a hooker. A real friend will help you bury the body.
Some people, even married ones, are weird when others get married. It’s as if you’re now expected to act a certain way; it’s a completely foreign concept that you’re still the same person, the same couple, like you’re unable to do anything sans spouse. As if the second the ink is dry, you’re now “the ball and chain” and he sits on the couch watching sporting events while you’re relegated to the shopping and the cooking, all the while griping about each other. Tres 1950’s. It’s impossible to make them understand that you’re still the same person… the only thing that’s different is that now you’re legally entitled to half.
Cube – You probably didn’t see it, but I referred to you in a comment I left on a controversial recent DC Blogs post about “what makes a good blog” or something similarly ridiculous. So, yes, of course Cubie. Though I would like to meet you one day.
MG! – Oh yeah, I even signed up. All of this is comical because my top two desires in life would have been compromised by this act: 1) WTF would I have done with Thora and Sammy while I was cleaning pelicans, and 2) I absolutely hate the Alabama-Mississippi-Louisiana armpit of swampland and just driving through is bad enough. I’m not sure why I would volunteer to go down there, except, for the poor pelicans!
X – I didn’t expect the world to jump for joy at our union, but I would sort of expect that people wouldn’t try to ruin it on purpose. I had to have a major shakedown of who I consider “friends.” It was long overdue.
JohnnyDC – That’s a good saying! I should put everyone through that test.
Chris – it’s funny, I was thinking of you a couple weeks ago and your post-wedding friend shakedown. Nothing changed between you and g-man, but things changed with friends. I think it’s always shocking when those who you think are among the closest end up changing.
Everyone’s true colors come out with a wedding. Its not just the crazy that mothers may have hidden from the world, its the crazy that everyone has been hiding from the world. I never understood that. Unless you are marrying a rapist or the head of a dog-fighting ring, myob!
It does make it easier to weed out the dead weight though. I’m glad that you and X are still normal. Sorry about your shitty friend, though.
Amy – it is true. My mom really jumped into action at my wedding which was a really nice surprise. The rest of the crap with the friends though – that was a shock.
Some people must have been raised by wolves.
I could have predicted the friends thing…sadly. It isn’t so much that you’re married, but you’ve changed the existing dynamic of your relationship with them. It could be anything. Let’s say you’re single and out of work and sad and needy and (fill in the blank), then you find a great job with beaucoup bucks and can finally get that dream dwelling. Bang. Change. Now they don’t get to feel toward you whatever they were feeling. Superior? Nurturing? Whatever. It was CHANGE. Same thing if you drop a dramatic amount of weight and are in demand at Vogue or inherit a Newport cottage or Mr. X is Chauncey Vanderhaven IX. Change carries little green horns. Did I mention the horns?
P.S. I swear Johnny makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME. And Johnny? If you come back and read this? The other day someone parked next to me at an angle in a grocery store parking lot. It was hot. I was run down. End of the day. You get it. I come out and there they are, parked so close to my driver’s side I had to enter the car from the passenger’s side and thank God I’m flexible is all I can say. But later in the day, online and talking to a male friend, he started saying “Why didn’t you key the car?” ..and me telling him I thought seriously about it. So we started thinking of all the bad things I could have done, and he was teaching me the best ways to puncture a tire quickly. He also recommends removing windshield wiper blades (easy) and did you know that brake fluid will make paint bubble up on a car’s hood? But again. That same “a real friend will help you hide the body” idea. So yeah. Johnny always has the right thing to say, and it’s always amusing.
PPS to Mrs. X. Email me and show me where you dropped that comment. I missed all of that blog controversy.
PPPS to Mr. X. You’re welcome.
Interesting story that is similar to my own experience. I excommunicated a friend who was jealous of me getting married when she would say/do things that were just not cool. I guess when you get older and you start sharing your day and with someone, your priorities get clearer – people get cut!
I need to babysit for someone’s kids since I still have no grandchildren and no immediate prospects for any. Now that you are legal, you can have those twins I pictured you with.
And yes, the advent of kids does rather redefine your social circle. But that’s OK. When they leave home, it gets redefined again.
Sounds like you have a realistic and healthy attitude toward any changes that come with married life. I’m really happy for both of you. (I’ve always been a sap for happy endings.)
Siryn – It is funny you say that. I think there is something to be said for the family situation in which one is raised and how they approach the adult world. I missed my calling as a psychologist. Except for the fact that people doing the same stupid things over and over irritate the hell out of me. Ha!
Pook – Interesting! We are not the only ones who have done this. I have other friends who this happened to, and I was “that friend” when my own life turned 10 years ago to a different place and people were getting married around me. I just wasn’t in that place. Though, I don’t think I was rude about it.
Barbara – Bah, not being married wouldn’t stop us from having kids. And your kids are too young yet! You still have 10 years or so before they get started on that stuff!
It’s great when you know for sure which friends are in your inner circle no matter what changes might happen elsewhere in your life. I call those people permanent friends.
That Facebook Wall post is about the worst thing I have ever heard. That sucks.
My losing-a-friend-over-my-wedding story:
One of my husband’s exes is still hung up on him, even though we’ve been married six years and they were broken up three years before we got together. She regularly pulls crazy stunts (still) to get his attention, and unfortunately a few mutual friends took “her side” because she was such a basket case when we got engaged. Their loss.
So, at my wedding, one of these mutual friends approached my mother-in-law with a “message” from the ex, something about her missing “having them in her life” (they met her maybe three times, as they live out of state), but she wanted them to know that she was “happy with her new boyfriend who was a Dallas Cowboy” so they shouldn’t “worry about her.”
My mother-in-law, who rocks, gave the friend a withering glare and said, “Who are you again? And why on earth would you come to my son’s wedding and bother me about one of the many girls he discarded years ago?”
So that friend got the ax, and I don’t miss her a bit. (And the kicker? The football player boyfriend turned out to be a lie they cooked up together.)
“VX” – I have been riveted by your love story and your wedding chronicle and I look forward reading many future chapters. Your wedding photos are some of the most beautiful I have ever seen, and I am delighted that you let us peak under your veil of anonymity by sharing them. Thrilled for you!