Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Each One is Different But They’re Always the Same

I called Zippy and his wife tonight to see how they were doing. Zippy was putting the kids to sleep, but his wife CornHusk and I got to catch up. Why CornHusk? She’s from Iowa. Duh.

When Zippy came out of the room there was some mumbling in the background. Then, the following.

CornHusk: You spent 3 hours with Zippy’s Mom yesterday?
Me: Well, yeah. He was like our Dad too. I feel awful for her.
Zippy: Your stock went up with her today. She’s been talking about you all day.
Me: Aww. Well, I found her some support groups. I’m sending Gloom and Doom over with that info tomorrow because I’m heading back to the shithole.
CornHusk: Are you really moving back here? When I saw your face at the viewing I just realized how much I miss you.
Me: Yeah, that is the plan. I hate it there. X is on board too, so we’re working hard on coming back. Just need a job. Well, one of us does.
CornHusk: You know what job I thought of for you? You should be a blogger! You would do a great job making fun of all these bitchy snotty Connecticut women.
Me: Yeah, I don’t know. I’ve been writing that stupid dating / relationship blog for over 5 years now…
Zippy: [inaudible in the background]
CornHusk: OH YEAH! We were playing the “who hooked up with the most people at the viewing” game the other night! I forgot about you and TheCop! That might put you in the lead.
Me: That’s the game you were playing at your Father’s Viewing? Damn.   This is why I had to move out of here to begin with. I hooked up with too many guys. Ran low on inventory.
CornHusk: Would you live with your mom and dad while you looked for a place?
Me: Oh. My. God. No. Do you want me to get divorced? No way. Besides, this entire house is worthy of a whole season of Hoarders. This morning I picked up a stack of papers that was sitting on the last available space of furniture and said, ‘What is this crap? It looks like garbage.’ They all denied it was theirs and I started looking at it. Tickets to the Louvre from 1999, labels off wine bottles I guess they liked, maps of Paris from 1995. I started ripping it all up. When no one claimed it, I shredded it and threw it out. You have to shred it or it gets rescued from the trash.
CornHusk: Good for you! We’re OCD over here, so that doesn’t happen!
Me: Yeah, I keep a pretty lean inventory of junk, but even this visit makes me want to go back home and throw out 10 more bags of stuff!

The short answer is, yes, they are back to Gloom and Doom. In fact, as I sit here writing this, I can hear them bickering in their room as they prepare for bed. Damn. It’s always something.

CornHusk: Don’t you hope that we never get like that?
Me: I do, and I hope it’s not so ingrained in my genes that it manifests itself down the road.

Shudder. Does anyone have the number to the producers for Hoarders?

5 Comments

  1. JohnnyDC

    O. M. G.

    Those were priceless treasures.

    😛

  2. M.A.

    Velvet,

    I lost track of you. Now you’re married and blogging again. You’ve made my day. I’m so happy for you. And you won’t be a hoarder. 🙂

  3. Washington "Keep On Tossin" Cube

    Their number? Babes? I’ve got their APPLICATION:

    —————————-
    HELP FOR COMPULSIVE HOARDERSHELP FOR COMPULSIVE HOARDERS

    Whatever your crisis, whatever your story, if you or someone you know is suffering from compulsive hoarding, and you would like him or her to be considered for participation on Hoarders, please fill out the form below.

    * = required fields
    Compulsive Hoarder’s Name *

    First

    Last

    Hoarder’s Age *

    Hoarder’s Email Address *

    Hoarder’s Phone Number *

    Hoarder’s Address *

    City

    State / Province / Region

    Postal / Zip Code

    Hoarder’s Occupation
    Applicant’s Name *

    Relationship to Hoarder *

    Applicant’s Age *

    Applicant’s Email Address *

    Applicant’s Phone Number *

    Applicant’s Alternate Phone Number *

    Do you live at the same residence as hoarder

    Yes No What is being hoarded?

    Does the hoarder consider themselves a perfectionist? *

    Yes No If yes, Please give examples. *

    Does the hoarder avoid making decisions?

    Yes No If yes, Please give examples.

    Does the hoarder have a compulsive urge to acquire?

    Does the hoarder have an emotional attachment to the items collected?

    If yes, Please give examples.

    Can the hoarder use furniture for the intended purpose?

    Yes No Can hoarder prepare food in the kitchen?

    Yes No Can the hoarder shower/bathe in their bathroom?

    Yes No Can the hoarder sleep in their own bed?

    Yes No If no, where do they sleep?

    How difficult would it be for emergency personnel to move equipment through the home?

    No problem Difficult Very difficult I’mpossible Does the hoarder live by themselves?

    Yes No If no, how many people currently live in the hoarder’s home (including hoarder)?

    Are there pets in the home?

    Yes No If yes, how many?

    what kind of Pet(s)?

    How many friends and family would participate in program?

    Are you currently seeking medical care for OCD/depression/ADHD?

    Yes No If yes, please write in the condition for which you are seeking help. Also describe how the hoard looks inside and outside the home.

    Please describe crisis being caused by the hoard:

    Upload a photo of Hoarder (optional)

    Additional photo of Applicant (optional)

    Additional photos in primary living space (optional)

    Additional photos in primary living space (optional)

    Additional photos in primary living space (optional)

  4. Siryn

    You’ll be okay, no massive hoarding for you!

  5. Reya Mellicker

    What a pleasure and surprise to “see” you this morning. Let’s get together. I miss you – would love to catch up. xx Shalom

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