I have been asked every question possible today. I’ve been asked why elephant poop is the size it is. I’ve been asked why there is lightening in one part of the sky but not another. I’ve been asked why people are homeless, why there is a hole in the side of the Sprite can, why a slurpee makes one’s mouth blue, why I have to shift gears and other cars don’t and why my dog smelled another dog’s vagina. These questions have been going on since 8:00 a.m., a ridiculous hour on a Saturday for someone like myself who prefers to sleep until 11:00 most days. The questioner just fell asleep 10 minutes ago, at midnight, and I have never been so thankful for peace and quiet.
The only question I have after today is whether anyone out there can take pity on me and tie my tubes. I’m not cut out for this. I just can’t make conversation with a child who asks endless questions of why, why and why. I can’t understand someone who doesn’t even try things on their own before asking for help: “This is broken,” “Where’s the spoon?” ” Can you tie my shoe?” I can’t tolerate someone who disrupts my entire schedule for the day and makes intricate plans for their entertainment that I am not humanly possible of achieving. I can’t keep up with a child who touches every expensive piece of electronic equipment in my house (cell phone, laptop, digital camera, i-pod…) with the intention of breaking it. I’m beat. I’m wiped out. This child is all of nine years old and she has wiped me of any energy for the rest of the weekend and sapped me of any mere, glint of a desire I had to ever have children. I would like to donate my eggs to science, because I don’t need them. Now, I’m going to bed.