Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

You Ain’t So Innocent, I Know

Sigh. I’ve really refrained from making any aspect of this blog X-rated since my family reads. I lightly edit my life, and probably end up sounding a little more “together” than I really am. That being said, today’s entry builds on yesterday’s porn post, and there’s just no way around this. If the family is reading, please stop now and go watch the Disney Channel or something. For everyone else, I’ll try to be classy.

What I left out of yesterday’s blog is probably what some of you already read between the lines. After I watched all the porn, and got blocked out of the site for 24 hours, I was, well, in the mood. It was only 9 a.m., but MotorcycleInstructor called and asked what I was doing and I told him. He said, “Ok, well, I will come over there in a bit.” But I already knew that his “bit” would really end up being hours, or possibly days, and a girl just can’t walk around with her panties in a knot for an interminable amount of time. After a thorough examination of the contents of one battery operated item in my nightstand drawer, I was ready to begin my day.

I was right. His “hour” turned into three hours and I had to run out to Rockville for an appointment. He called around noon and I said “Let’s try for 2:00.” He said ok. But at 2:00, he was waiting on a call from a student who wanted to practice. It was nice to not get all huffy because at this point I didn’t care anymore. I was over the whole thing. He said around 4:00 and that went to 5:00, 6:00, 7:00 and as I was watching Seinfeld (it doesn’t take any visual stimulation at this point in my life) I leaned over to the drawer and conducted another “inspection.” AS SOON as I put it away and called the game over, he calls. WTF???

It’s quite close to 8:00 at this point. He says he’s running a few errands and then is on his way over. I tell him he doesn’t need to hurry as I want to go to the gym. He says, “What? I thought you were all bothered today?” I said, “Well, I WAS, but I took care of it already.” He was so pissed off. He said, “Velvet, you take ALL the fun out of this.” I said, “What the hell are you talking about? I fucking knew your few minutes would be hours, days even. Why wait?” He said, “You knew I was busy today, I promised you I was coming over and you just couldn’t wait. I suppose you don’t need me to come over now.” I said, “You can still come over. Who says I’m done? And for the record, you have proven yourself highly unreliable when it comes to estimations of your arrival time. You were supposed to be here at 11:00 this morning!” He said, “Fine, call me when you leave the gym.”

I called at 9:45 and it went to voicemail. I walked the dogs, went dumpster diving in someone’s recycling bin for the daily crossword, and resigned myself to an evening in bed with the dogs and today’s puzzle. He called back at 11, said he had fallen asleep and was on his way. I told him he didn’t have to come over. He said, “What do you not want me to come?” I said, “No, you’re in bed, if you’re tired, then stay at your house.” He said, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

He literally came over, and we went to sleep. It was so strange. But, my boss and I were talking this morning and I told him “I have one of my famous funny stories for you.” (I share these things with him all the time…)

After I told him he said, “Am I to understand that you are dating a man who is jealous of your vibrator and love of porn?”

Yup, that sounds about accurate.

Then he said, “Where do you find these guys?”

We ALL want to know the answer to that, don’t we?


  1. T

    We all know what I think of Jeff at this point. That boy need to be hit upside the head with a sandwich. Oh, wait. You already tried that.

  2. I-66

    Just for the record… if I’m seeing a girl who’s in the proverbial mood and wants me to come over, I’m getting there on time. No questions asked.

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