Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

It’s All The Same In The End

First, a complaint. I saw an old woman throw her gum on the street today. That gum will end up on someone’s shoe, virtually impossible to remove. Just because you are old, doesn’t mean you can litter. I wish I could tie that gum a la Crazy Girl City’s post about six degrees, as it moves through the streets of D.C., and somehow ultimately ends up clogging old woman’s pacemaker and kills her. Now that would be funny. Extreme, yes, but there’s nothing I hate more than a litterer.

Next, a movie review. It’s fast, but there’s a lesson to be learned. Maybe.

Tonight I watched Runaway Bride. (Any movie with Joan Cusack and Hector Elizondo has got to be good.) Richard Gere trails Julia Roberts as she makes her fourth attempt at that ubiquitous thing on the wish list of “all women” – the altar. Except that in this case, Julia Roberts doesn’t want to marry any of the men to whom she ends up engaged. Along comes Richard Gere the reporter to do a story where she insists she will actually get married (to the hottie on Law & Order: SVU.) If you haven’t seen it and want to, skip the next paragraph.

Of course she gets to the rehearsal and “runs.” (Well, she makes out with Richard Gere.) And surprise, she and Richard Gere fall in love and blah blah blah. They have a wedding, but she runs from that too. Ultimately what happens? You guessed it. They end up together. Now, why is it that men will become intrigued with a woman for one of her quirks, then think that they will magically drop the quirk, in this case, fear of commitment. In this case, that happens and she eventually succumbs and marries him. What-evah.

That’s all. I’m done with that.

Now. There is a problem. By the comments, everyone is just so pleased with The Bartender. But, how can someone you are dating know about the blog? I can’t possibly write censored and edited, because that’s not being true to me, or to you all as my readers. But then I run the risk of him changing his behaviors based on what I say or don’t say in the blog. There’s an added dimension with the presence of the blog that means now that I no longer have the ultimate control (of my half) over how things play out. Part of how I do things in relationships is playing my cards close. Well, that’s how I operate in all relationships. It comes from having to negotiate as part of my job – and watching my boss: master of all that is negotiable. So, the men I date not knowing about the blog has been my rule, because it just makes blog-sense.

So, The Bartender says he will accompany me tomorrow to go get my car at the shop in Rockville and ride back down here to D.C. with me. But, he says he has to be back at 5 p.m. I said, “You have to be in to work at 5?” He said, “No, I just have to be somewhere. I don’t have to be at work until 7.” I wasn’t born yesterday, clearly he has a date. But, here’s where I went wrong. I sent a text message about half an hour after we hung up saying “Somewhere at 5? How positively mysterious of you.” It begins a back and forth texting conversation.

He says: “Is that good or bad? Am I being too coy?”
I say: “That wasn’t coy…”
He says: “Damn, I must be the worst English major ever. I don’t like hiding stuff, certainly not from you. Maybe it’s the way you open your life on the blog. It’s very refreshing to meet a woman like that. So if you must know…”
I say: “Nah, don’t need to know.”
He says: “I was gonna tell you anyway. I got set up to go to dinner by B’s girlfriend at her birthday party last night. I think it’s a ‘group’ or ‘double’ date. As you know, I am against any date not involving the zoo.”
I say: “All good reasons why it is bad for anyone to know about the blog.”
He says: “There is no bad, is there? Please do tell, I am all ears, I mean eyes.”
I say: “Because I will want to write about all of this and I don’t know, I can’t. I want to be able to say what I want in the blog without you reacting or changing your behavior because of it.”

I can’t explain this very well, but I’m going to try. I want to be able to date men and I want to be able to share the details of those dates on the blog with friends and strangers alike. And I want to know that man-of-the-week will still do the same things, without changing it because of something he read in the blog. Let’s just say that The Bartender didn’t know about the blog, then he wouldn’t have read in the post the other day that I still plan to date other people. Perhaps he wouldn’t have felt it necessary to tell me he was dating someone else tomorrow. And he would have moved on in secret, as would I have, and that would be that. One of these little flings somewhere would develop into more (him & me; him & other girl; me & other boy) and then we would adjust our lives accordingly. That is the normal workings of relationship-ville. But now, all that’s out the window.

So, he called me. And I tried to explain what I wrote above, not very well. He said he would stop reading the blog. I said that would create more problems because I know I wouldn’t be able to stop reading someone’s blog if they were writing about me. Also, no matter what, I wouldn’t believe it, and eventually he would say something, coincidence or not, and I would think, “Hey…I wrote something like that in the blog.” He said it would be an all new thing for him to lose someone to a blog. But, I’m not comfortable with any of this.

Now what the hell do I do?


  1. Anonymous

    hate to post this so that he can read, but the question comes to, what do you want from the Bartender? If you just want the make out sessions, then write what you want to write. if he doesn’t like what you have to write, move on!
    If you want more? still write what you want (just not about him) until, as you say, there is a ring on that finger….
    (a few thoughts from Holly’s neighbor in ATL, your newest fan!)

  2. Velvet

    Holly’s neighbor in ATL – you are hilarious. And welcome to the shitpile that has become my life.

    It’s a good point you make. But, I start off (and usually end) all relationships not knowing what I want. So. Uh. Hmm.

  3. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    Velvet, I know whereof you speak. My post today was about someone who reads my blog, and it IS a little weird. If it weren’t for the fact he reads it, I would have totally spilled all kinds of salacious details already. Instead, I’ve been pretty coy.

    My posting today was ESPECIALLY weird because I thought it might end up coming across like a message to him (again, since he reads), when really I did just want to spill my guts and vent a bit.

    I don’t know – I don’t have any answers, obvs, since I just started experiencing this one myself. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out, for both of us.

  4. Anonymous

    Welcome to the world of dating! We often want the other person to tell us exactly what they are thinking (and vice versa I’m sure), but if that was the case then the whole experience wouldn’t be so much fun. Think about it: he knows what you are thinking and he can choose or not choose to follow through….it’s called being vulnerable. Is it worth it for you to be so open? Maybe so….maybe it will be good for us readers to see what happens when you choose to be vulnerable with a guy at an early stage where it isn’t safe. Unfortunately, that might not be something you are willing to do for the masses who read your blog….
    sincerely, Holly’s neighbor
    (single girl also using the wonderful world of the internet to date, and only enjoying the stories, not necessarily the dates)

  5. Jamy

    Dilemma indeed! Well, you know how I handled it–not very gracefully. But, now that the relationship has ended, I don’t mind if he reads–not at all! It’s only while we were involved that it was a problem. I did change what I wrote–I shifted the focus to other things–and I vented my feelings elsewhere.

    I don’t actually think what you write will change anyone’s behavior. It may feel like it, but, ultimately, it’s not the blog that will make the difference. Isn’t part of why he likes you based on what he’s read in the blog?

    We should really ask Breakup Babe since I think she’s faced this problem many, many times.

  6. AsianMistress

    Oh, so tricky!

    I’m surprised he said he would stop reading. Of course, there is no way to know that.

    Maybe he can take it as flattery that you write about him. And, obviously anything you write is after the fact of whatever has (or hasn’t) happened between you. And of course it’s at your discretion.

    I dunno, it’s a sticky situation…I still haven’t decided if I would tell a potential guy about my blog. I guess I would have to…

  7. I-66

    ooh do I get to be the first male POV on this? saWEET.

    If I’m him, there’s no way I don’t read the blog. If the info’s out there for everyone else to read, why should I not read it, especially since it’s about me? He might’ve thought that was the right thing to say and do but I don’t think it would be easy at all.

    That said, I think you’ve got to have him take you for you. If you’re a girl that doesn’t want to restrict herself to one date-friendly individual and maybe date a couple at a time who just happens to blog about what happens – then so be it.

  8. Johnny

    its the whole causality thing.

    its the whole “an observer cannot be a neutral element in an experiment” dealie.

    its the prime directive.

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