Dear Dating World and All Men Who I Will Never Date,
Please accept this as my (hopefully temporary) resignation from the dating world. I apologize for being unable to give notice, but my face is frozen and I am unable to work out the industry standard of two weeks.
This frozen face disease has really got me on edge. I witnessed via the mirror, what I look like while eating. It isn’t pretty – think 10 month old meets Corky from Life Goes On. This rules out all dates with eating or drinking. My eye won’t stay closed either, so I have to wear an eye patch to keep it closed. Unless I could find a date with a pirate theme, I’m really out of luck. Also, on my dates, there is usually an event such as, date farts and blames it on someone else, which require from me, some sort of expression of disgust. I have tested out what sort of expressions I could muster, and they look more inquisitive than appropriate for the scene that is destined to take place. I just don’t think a half smile or single raised eyebrow will serve me well for dating.
After the above consideration, I have realized this is not a huge loss as I am not a good dater anyway. This blog serves as evidence that I clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I know that there are so many wonderful dates that I will never get a chance to experience and subsequently write about – running from potential date rape, having drugs slipped into my drink, possibly being stabbed, killed, cloned, kidnapped or stranded in a ghetto. I feel that I can take my chances on bailing out now.
I will forever be in your gratitude for the experience that you have allowed me dating here. I feel honored to know what it is like to have a date stand me up, stare at me awkwardly without speaking, pack up their food in a doggie bag and run back to the restaurant to obtain that doggie bag, start a political fight with other patrons in a restaurant where we are dining, lie incessantly, turn into an octopus with no warning, steal my Vicodin, talk only about strippers and lap dances, get BBQ sauce smeared all over their face, and actually take money from me that clearly amounts to more than half the bill on a first date. I also feel somewhat selfish for hogging these fine quality men and experiences to myself, so maybe it’s good that my face is frozen. Please – hire some other women and allow them to also learn what I have.
If you need to contact me, I will be residing somewhere between the neighborhoods of La-La Land and Celibacy, balancing several medications, waiting on blood test results, scheduling visits with a neurologist and in general, fine-tuning other skills.
Love and Half-Kisses,
Velvet in Dupont
P.S. When you lose your sense of humor, you may as well be dead.