Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Don’t Know Why I Act The Way I Do

Here we go. Craigslist’s finest. I should tell you that my email address has a fake name – you’ll need to know that for reference. It’s been an alias for years. Here’s one of my email exchanges:

Crazy Guy: Good morning.
Velvet (after a full day elapses:) Good Morning to you.
CG: Where were you?
Velvet: The asylum only lets me email a few minutes a day.
CG: It is no fair for you and for me dear. Are you ready for Christmas?
Velvet: yes. did all the store shopping in Nov and the rest online. HA!
CG: I am surprise,, organize girl…. I hope you have something for me, your e-friend.
Velvet (trying to get down to business:) Nope. Sorry. Just these emails. Without a picture I can’t do much for you.
CG: Just because a picture!? Ok, sent your pic first.
Velvet: No. I asked first. You send it first.
CG: I really like your name. I do not have pictures of me right now, but why a picture is so important? Feelings are important, don’t you think. I drank coffee yesterday at my office so I could not sleep well last night. Now I am sleepy, but must work untill late. Thanks god I have you to talk with. It is going to snow tomorrow, be ready. Bytheway, is that your real name?
Velvet: Yes, a picture is important. What are you hiding? Usually when people won’t send a pic it’s because they are overweight.
CG: That was funny. I am extremely fit, no muscular but in very good shape. I am not hiding anything, what for?, I just do not have a picture right now. But you can mail me one of yours misterious starr. Are you going to see NANIA?
Velvet: I don’t send one until you do.
CG: Do not worry, we do not need pictures, words are enought, more than enought. Hey do you play soccer?

At this point, I didn’t answer that. Then I get this:

CG: Do you have a male friend? My beautiful Eritrean friend wants a double date.

Um, WHAT? I don’t think that Crazy Guy and I were EVER in the same conversation. What is Nania? Who is Eritrean?

What about this dick? After he called me the fake name, I said this:
Velvet: And shhh…but that’s not my name. You just don’t know who you are going to meet on here, and who is going to stalk you. There are plenty of men looking for married women. No clue why. Oh, well, I guess I have a clue why.
Psycho Guy: so, who are you? are you married and looking for a fling? well, then come on over. or, if yoyu’re tracking your husband, then you ought to know he probably has cheated on you. And you’re wondering why you’re still with the jerk? because you’re st… (fill in the blank.)you can fool others but you can’t fool yourself.
Velvet: Not married. And to the rest of what you wrote: huh?
Psycho Guy: then send your picture… what you waiting?
Velvet: You first.
Psycho Guy: i asked you first, so you’ve to send your pic first. look you’ve to stop playing games or good luck spying online… and have fun.i’m not going to put up with your crap… perhaps you can find a blue collar high school drop out.

Ok, and what do we think about this picture?

When I looked at this, I, uh, had a thought. It wasn’t a good one, and I really shouldn’t repeat it. Let’s just say it had something to do with a movie and that forehead. Then he kept firing off the pictures, one after the next,and I know now that that forehead has traveled the world and never been smaller or changed shape.

Why do people block faces out like this? Who cares? My friends don’t care. Shit, poor BestGuyFriend-M has had his face plastered all over Yahoo Personals because one of my best pictures was taken with him.

What about this picture? Who would send this out to anyone? I would love to bring some guy home to my parents with a fucking bird on his hat. Could you imagine? Oh wait, none of you know my mom. She would flip out. My dad probably wouldn’t notice the bird, but he would participate in the conversations between my brother and my mom. Then sometime down the road, maybe a month or two from now, he would lean over to me at dinner and say, “Who is this birdhead everyone talks about?”

And to this guy I say, “Nice bird dude.”

All right. More to come. This is so fun.


  1. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    Oh my God – your dad and mine sound like identical twins.

  2. Jamy

    First: bad girl.

    Second: “NANIA” is probably a confused reference to “The Chronicles of Narnia.”

    Last: have fun. 🙂

  3. AsianMistress

    Oh my.

    When are we going out to find some hot dates?

  4. Jo

    I just can’t understand why I’ve yet to try this internet dating thing. It sounds like soooooo much fun.

  5. D.C.

    That second picture is hilarious. It combines adventurous and librarian without getting bogged down with the interesting parts of either.

    Also: that forehead has got to be a Photoshop job. Right? RIGHT?! Maybe he thinks its a sign of virility. Either way, it seems well beyond human capacity and comprehension to be of this world.

  6. Washington Cube

    The heartbreak of it all. Too, too sad making.

  7. Larissa

    oh thank you so much for this! extremely entertaining!

  8. TOS

    I wonder if he is friends with the guy who walks around U street with a parrot on his shoulders and parrot *^@t everywhere else… Eww

  9. Velvet

    RC – Let’s switch Dads for our next family reunions. How fun would that be?

    Jamy – Thanks for clearing that up. I had no clue.

    AM – If you were a little older damn it, we could do 8 minute dating! Even more laughs!

    Jo – Shut up. You love me.

    Damian – You crack ME up!

    Cube – The horrors of my life.

    Larissa – You’re Welcome!

    Tos – You’re cute, where did you come from? Oops, I mean, thanks for the comment. And that bird man comes to the dog park on N.H. Does he not get it? Dogs will eat that bird.

  10. Sub Girl

    hhahahhaa. can’t wait for more stories.

  11. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    How’d last night go??

  12. Velvet

    Ha! Getting ready to post.

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