Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Crazy, Crazy On You

Scroll down. I’m posting like every hour now. These guys are FREAKS. I would like to state for the record, that these pics with the shirt off are completely ridiculous. About 50% of my responses are shirtless.

New Freak’s first email to me:
Wow, you’re right, according to your ad you’re not like most girls. Well, you sound laid-back, and I like that quality in a woman. Hi, my name is Chris, and I live in DC. I’m 30 years old, 5’10, with short brown hair, and light green eyes. I work out 4 times a week, but mainly just cardio, so I have a decent body. I like to have a good time, but can also carry on a good conversation. I like movies, art, going out to dinner, or just sipping mint tea in Adams Morgan. I’ve lived in DC for the past 8 years, and I know all the best places to eat! If you’re interested in meeting a warm person with a good sense of humor, then we should get together for that mint tea. Talk to you soon! Chris 🙂

Ok. This man is not Velvet’s type. So I email back:
You men and your shirt off pictures are everywhere. I have more men with their shirt off pics in my inbox than, well, anyone else I know. I don’t think we are a match though. Thank you for the email.

And I get this:
Well, that’s the only pic I had at work. Hmm, maybe you’re not as laid-back as you once proclaimed missy.

And I think: Dickwad. So I write this:
Ok. Now I have to ask. Why on earth would you have that picture at work? My my.

So he writes this:
I grabbed it from an old email…….wow, you are DEFINITELY not laid-back at all!

And I write:
What are you talking about? This is hilarious. You had a half naked pic of yourself at work. Hilarious.

So I get this:
LAID BACK: adj. not taking things too seriously, willing to accept unconventional ideas without scorn. See also: not Stacy. It’s hilarious that I had a picture of myself in Ocean City at the beach in my email folder? Half-naked? Hahahahahahahaa you sound like a 12 year old. Seriously, I definitely don’t want to hang out with someone who thinks a guy in swim trunks is showing too much skin. Oh, by the way, the 1920s called. They want their sense of shame back.

And I write:
Wow. You are snippy. I’m totally joking with you. When you grab your dictionary again, look up “psycho” and see if your pic is there. Christ. You are a mess aren’t you.

He comes back with an email that says he’s not serious, he’s being sarcastic. And I say, I’ve already had one unravel today so I wasn’t surprised actually. Then he writes back and says, “Ok, send a picture.”

I don’t wanna. He grosses me out now.

Ten minutes after the last email, he sends another one: “Seriously, are you going to send that picture?” Ten more minutes after that, “Yeah, you suck.”

What is wrong with these people? No wonder these deranged defects are single. Wait. What does that say about me? Damn.


  1. Sharkbait

    Yeah you suck?

    um…age check- 10?


  2. AsianMistress

    Deranged defects.


    And SB I don’t have your IM – or Velvet! Hello!

  3. Sharkbait

    Um AM…darling-we need to connect!

  4. Siryn

    You said before that a man will show you who he is within 5 minutes of meeting him. It appears to be true as well in writing, to some degree.

    Thank God it’s not taking more than a short period of time because these fuckers are all stocked up on it.

    Tell them “Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here. “

  5. trueborn

    What is wrong with these guys?
    They ever hear about taking things a little slower than…say two hours.

    I thought Mr. Sixpack was married, or attached why else would he try and play off the email?

    My friend checked out the dating scene on CL and she described it as a menagerie of freaks and clowns.

  6. Velvet

    Sharkie – Miss ya!

    AM – Nice that within 10 minutes of me posting this, you are at some damn 5 star hotel with a guy you just met on Craigslist. You know this blog is more of a “what not to do” right?

    Siryn – You are such a good listener. And you are so right – on both counts: finding out who he is shortly and not wasting time. Thanks for connecting my own advice to my reality.

    Trueborn – I don’t know but these dudes on Craigslist move faster. It’s churn and burn. No long drawn out emails and phone calls. Maybe it’s better this way. I’m still unsure.

  7. Jo

    I bet he’s only 5’7″.

  8. Johnny


    looks + brains dont go together.
    its a mathematical certainty.


    well, except for me of course. 😛

  9. Velvet

    I have to clarify about AM. I meant in the bar of the 5 star hotel…not in a room getting busy. Sorry AM!

  10. Siryn

    Thanks, Velvet. I love your writing and there are so many gems here that it’s now required reading. Forgive me for not reading sooner.

  11. D.C.

    You should have just told him to put ’em on the glass. Now *that* is laid back.

    Random caption for the kid standing in the background:

    “Is that douche still having his picture taken?”

  12. Sharkbait

    put em on the glass-ha i love it!

    definately would have thrown them for a loop, that is for sure.

    who knows, it just might work!

  13. I-66

    Well this is certainly taking an interesting turn. I anxiously await a suitor finding his way to this blog. THAT would be priceless.

  14. Velvet

    Siryn – Forgive me for reading your blog and wondering “should I set this girl up with my brother? He lives in NY…”

    D.C. – You’re alive! Your thrice-monthly postings were making me worried.

    Sharkie – As always, Love ya!

    I66 – It’s like my own little race against time, isn’t it? I really find this comical.

  15. I-66

    Once it happpens are you going to have to change the url?

    I was going to suggest, but given the general Dupont Circle ‘preference’ it’s not really all that likely.

  16. Larissa

    wow, love that you put their pics up. if i do craigslist (and i have been pondering it lately) i’ll have to keep an eye out for these. what creeps! and yeah what’s with the no shirts? weirdos.

  17. Mandy

    Heh. I called a halt to my forays into any and all forms of online dating after going through a series of dates and relationships that were all just wrong in one way or another. I’ve had the middle of the night callers, the text tormentors, the guys sending me shirtless pictures (massive turnoff, if I actually *like* you, we’ll get to that – I think they just wish women would send shirtless pictures and are hoping we get the hint), and the general assortment of freaks, jerks and losers. Good luck, Velvet – I love your blog!

  18. Crazy Girl City


    Seriously, I am cracking up at that guy. Wow. What a toolbag. I read about your potential suitors V, and it makes me happy not to be in that scene. Well, maybe no happy, but relieved.

    I would laugh my ass off if a guy sent me a ‘topless’ photo as the first picture, and I am as laid back as they come!

  19. Sarah at Advancing the Plot

    LOL. Anyone who has ever done the online dating things knows exactly what you mean.

    Of course boys post shirtless pictures because they think they are hot. (note to boys: you aren’t really all that mysterious) Thanks for calling him on it.

    While I have met some really nice people on, I have met equally odd people on craigslist.

    Like Chris, who goes by Paul at work (huh?). Before we even met for coffee we were going to Nationals games and sailing in the Floriday Keys. When I said, “Can we meet for coffee first?” he got all defensive. And after two dates I get this cryptic text message (at 5:40AM) “Feeling overwhelmed.”

    I guess by me.

  20. Velvet

    I66 – There WILL NOT be a blog that ends “…in velvet” so get it out of your head.

    Larissa – Sort of makes ya never wanna do it, right?

    Mandy – Are we dating the same men?

    CG – Shaddup you one half of a couple, you!

    Sarah – Craigslist is a sea of freaks. But I follow the advice of Sub Girl and Sharkbait who swear that you have to weed through and you’ll find a gem.

  21. INTA W ANA

    i have to give it to you…that was hilarious!! yet sooooooo freakin true!! LOVED IT!!!!

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