I was squeezing in a quick walk with the dogs before running out. I saw the one who makes the heart skip a beat.
I walked outside my building and saw him across the street. He saw me. He actually probably saw me before I saw him because by the time I caught his eye, he was looking away. It seems he was slinking by my building hoping I wouldn’t come out. And there I was. You can’t fuck with fate little fucker.
I was stunned. He was only across the street from me. But then, I focused my eyes on the girl he was with. It all happened so fast. Eyes. Girl. Trainwreck.
From the back she looked like a cheap prostitute. She was wearing acid washed skintight jeans that are trying to make their way back into style. (May that never happen.) This was a girl who should not have left the house in this outfit sans a check at the rear view. First, my disclaimer: I’m having my own issues with having gained an extra 15 lbs, so understand I mean no disrespect. She was exceptionally big in the middle. She had very skinny calves, which also threw the whole system out of check. Again, we all have our body issues, but we don’t find it necessary to pour ourselves into jeans tight enough to spot camel toe. I sure as hell don’t. But wait, there’s more.
From the back, I could see she had bangs, a la 1982. Spiky and hairsprayed up and sort of feathered. You know if I can tell you have bangs from behind, there’s a problem. You know how they say Astronauts can see the bright lights of Vegas from space? Well, add this chicks bangs to that list. She was wearing black suede boots that have NEVER been in style, over the jeans which made the whole outfit look weirder. Forget being stunned at seeing him, I was more stunned to see that his girlfriend basically has zero in the way of class and fashion sense. But wait, there’s more.
When he realized I was across the street, he hid behind her. (Uh, it wasn’t hard…the hair…the puffy coat.) He got incredibly uncomfortable and tried to cross the street against the light. He started fidgeting and making moves to continue walking, despite the stream of cars. As the light turned, and they crossed, I saw her put her arm around him. The whole scene looked awkward. My usual thought would be that he was trying to get away from having to deal with me. But, based on the disaster that was his girlfriend, that seemed the more likely scenario.
I always thought deep down inside that the reason we weren’t together was that I wasn’t classy enough for him. He seemed to like the finer things in life. After spending an on and off 8 months with him, watching him toss money at the most expensive stores and restaurants, be so particular about what he wore, dressing up all the time, I fell into that trap too. While I had long ago kissed shopping at the Limited goodbye, I paid a lot more attention to what I wore. I stopped going out of the house looking like a trainwreck. Apparently none of that mattered, as evidenced by the above. And apparently I became a woman far beyond what he wants.
I now have a totally different perspective. On all of it. I wish you all could have seen me with my jaw on the sidewalk as I witnessed this scene. Ladies and gentlemen, I think this saga is over. It was 8 months of dating followed by 12 months of pining away for him, bumping into him, almost running him over in my car, dreaming about him. It seems, my friends, that I created someone in my mind who may not even exist.
I’m really learning lessons left and right over here. Left and right. By the way dude, make sure you look left and right before you try to jump out in traffic to get away from me.