I have been mum on updating the NewJersey situation. It’s a rollercoaster, so please, buckle up.
After leaving the proverbial ball in his court, he sent an email last Tuesday saying that he left his phone at work and would call me the following evening. He called as he was getting in the car to leave work. I was in a meeting for my condo board, so I told him I would have to call him back. I said, “Are you going to pick up the phone?” He said if for some reason he didn’t, he would definitely call me back before the evening was out. I called at 9:15, of course got voicemail, and he called back at 10:00 p.m. Lucky for me, he started. And he started quite rapidly, obviously he had stuff to say. None of it was bad.
NJ: Let me just say that the not calling you back thing was wrong. The whole movie situation was a mess, I didn’t know my ringer was on and I was really strugging to get it turned off and didn’t realize I hung up on you. And I got your very sweet text message that you were thinking about me, and I was thinking about you that day too, in fact, I was thinking about you the day before too, but it just like, doesn’t occur to me to write back. And I know that doesn’t make it right but…
Me: Ok. Well, the hanging up on me thing was out of hand. And you have to get that it robs any sort of security I have with you that we’re actually making progress when things like this happen.
NJ: I know. And you and I haven’t talked at all about what we’re doing, what the long term potential is.
Me: Well, the night you came over you were very drunk – yes you brought it up on the phone, and all.
NJ: Oh no. Please don’t hold me to anything I said that night. I was really drunk.
Me: I know. You knew. Because on the phone you said you wanted to talk about it, but when you came over you said you had things to say but couldn’t say them because you were too drunk.
NJ: Oh. Phew. Well. I suppose I’m going to put you on the spot then, what are you thinking about this, and me?
NJ: I know well…
Me: No. I’ll go first. It’s fine. I shall consider it my punishment for sending the email. Which by the way was far from the easiest thing I’ve done. I swear it sat in my drafts for a good 4 hours before I sent it.
NJ: I never thought that it was easy.
Me: I know but I think that I actually was like, physically sick when I sent that. And that’s how I know how I feel about you. I don’t consciously sit around thinking about how I feel, it just comes to me. So I see how I react to things like that, or the fact that I’ll get 20 emails in the morning but I open yours first, and think ‘uh oh I’m in trouble’ and that’s just how I know. I’m prioritizing you above other stuff. Not a good sign, depending on how you look at it.
Me: Shit. Are you laughing at me?
NJ: I’m laughing with you. Ok. So is that it?
Me: Uh, yeah.
NJ: Ok, well I approach the whole thing differently. I have in my mind this list of things that I need to keep pursuing a relationship. Obviously we’ve made it past a few dates, so that’s good.
Me: Yes. We have good banter. Agreed.
NJ: Well, this is about to get really deep. And I don’t know that we should be doing this on the phone, but I think we have to talk this out now because it’s gone too far.
NJ: Well, I want kids. I know I want kids. And I’m not getting younger. I’m not 25 anymore, so I can’t be screwing around with people who don’t want the same things I do.
NJ: and you don’t have to answer this now, but it is something I need to know. I want to be a Dad, and I know that for sure.
Me: I can answer it now. I think we talked about this, in fact I know we did because I said then the same thing I will say now. Based on the way I feel about the doggies, I know that it would be a natural progression for me. And while I was probably averse to it for most of my life, once my niece came along, I think it changed my whole world, and I just told my brother that she like, brought out this thing in me to have kids. But I’m not a psycho about it, and I don’t want to be one of those people doing it when I’m 45 either. It sort of has to happen sooner than later I guess, otherwise not at all. It’s not going to ruin my life if it doesn’t happen. Make sense?
NJ: Ok. Yes.
NJ: Well. I don’t know where to go from here. I mean, I want to keep talking about this. I think we need to.
Me: Yup. And sorry for the email.
NJ: The email wasn’t bad. I didn’t find it whiny, needy or out of line. You are within your right to know what’s going on.
Me: It’s easier to kiss something bye when it’s not giving you what you want in the time allowed I suppose.
NJ: Well, we’re still in the getting to know you phase.
Me: I know.
NJ: I mean, I wouldn’t say we’re on sure footing, because we are still in this stage, but we’re headed there. It’s only been like half a dozen dates.
Me: I know.
NJ: Ok. Well, I think that I’ve been able to say what I wanted to say. Is there anything else you want to say?
Me: Look it happened to me once before where I dated someone a long time and just couldn’t open my mouth to tell him what I was thinking. And I’m not trying to scare you, so don’t read into this, but it went on a long time and I was basically in love with him, and he gave me all the chances to say something and I never did. So I promised myself if I ever had strong feelings for someone again that I would have to tell them. So there.
NJ: Ok. So, I think we should still see each other and go from there.
NJ: It will be hard to move to a non-deep conversation after this. And I have to call my mom which is a whole other story right now.
NJ: So you don’t hate me?
Me: Nope. Far from hating you.
NJ: Good. We’ll talk soon?
So that was Wednesday night. I got to work Thursday, and felt not great about it, but okay. I had my hour of power therapy and told the therapist everything. I thought she was going to be on the Velvet & NJ side, but she was far far from it.
Two things basically came out of my hour with her. The first was her statement that he is so far from treating me right. She said he’s playing games and I deserve better. My retort was that perhaps he really is socially inept, and I never give anyone a chance – who better to give a bit of a chance to than someone I could actually fall in love with?
The second thing that came out of the hour was my statement: A man who says that he wants kids more than anything and is basically looking for a place in which to spread his seed is fucking scary. Again: FUCKING SCARY. I’m not averse to the idea, but I don’t think that marriage and kids belong in the same bundle for everyone. I think that my attitude about this is the true way to go – I could see kids in my future, but I’m more committed to the idea of finding a man I can love forever and live with forever, than a man who would be a good father. If I find someone wonderful, but he happens to travel a lot, or wouldn’t be a good father for some other valid reason, I would never kick him to the curb. For me, the relationship part is the more important piece. The kids are secondary to an incredible relationship.
Friday comes and goes. Nothing from the NJ camp.
Saturday morning I hauled ass up to South Jersey (yeah, I get the joke) of all places, to visit my Great-Uncle in a retirement home. There’s a lot to write about this visit, but at one point he looked at me and said, “Velvet, pick a good one.” I said, “What?” He said, “Ask a lot of questions, listen very carefully to what he says, and pick a good one.” I could have cried. I said, “I’m trying. I promise you.”
Saturday night I drove back to D.C. and really sort of realized that NewJersey, absent in my life again, was, well, probably not going to make good on any of his promises. Despite the fact that he seemed to show that he didn’t want me to end it, despite the fact that he seemed incredibly interested in continuing the talk in person, despite, well, whatever. I got home to this email.
So another weekend has gone by and I have not called you. You have not called me either, but I understand that the guy is expected to initiate these things for the most part.
The bottom line is that I cannot reciprocate the feelings you expressed to me the other day on the phone. I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but can’t say that I feel that extra special something. (as you described it, the impulse to open your email first). I don’t say these things to hurt you; I just feel it’s better to get everything out in the open. The last thing I want to do is play games with you or waste your time.
I don’t know what else to say. Of course there’s a chance you will just tell me to fuck off, and that’s your right. But, I certainly did/do not intend to hurt you and find it’s better to express this stuff earlier rather than later.
Ladies and gents: I have turned in my resignation as “NewJersey’s Punching Bag,” effective immediately. I did not write back. I will not write back, ever. I deleted his number and all his text messages out of my phone. I would break his CD into a thousand pieces, like he broke my heart, but, alas, it’s a Beastie Boys classic, and I’m going to add it to my collection.
I have to do the reply, but only for you to see. I promise, this is just my own therapy.
How positively cowardly of you to send me an email to end things when we have been dating for two months. You’ve proven yourself a real standup guy, and I appreciate you taking the time to elicit every emotion out of me in the last seven days, including reviving my hope on Wednesday that you and I stood a chance.
Please note that I’m no longer protecting your words from the blog. Your email was copied and pasted, to Velvet in Dupont, who by the way, will one day make you sorry you were such an ass.
It’s not an idle threat, it’s not my anger talking. Something very serious is happening with this blog that I can’t discuss, but believe this. One day you just might see this reply I’ve written. Only it won’t be in your email inbox. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Dearest Readers: I’m ok. My shell is a little tougher because of the emotional rollercoaster I have been on with this guy. I have to say – he did a good job faking the chemistry. A real good job. My bullshit-ometer is pretty well tuned. But I missed this one. I know – a lot of you didn’t. I have to remind myself that 3rd parties can sometimes see this stuff easier. I’m going to try to listen to you all a little more in the future. Anyway, the comments are on. Feel free…you can tell me that the book never lies. You can tell me whatever you want. I should have listened, but I just couldn’t make my heart catch up to what my head already knew.
I can’t believe that I’m the first to say something about this…bless your heart. I would be knocking on your door with a bottle of wine and my tap shoes to cheer you up if I weren’t stuck in a hotel outside of Dallas.
In my time on the couch, I worked hard to overcome why my ex-Scott never could love me the way I loved him. It took me a long time to realize that it was about preference-even down to the way my nose is shaped, or the way I style my hair (if I style it), etc, and NOT about my worth.
One day, there will be a man who will bring out a very old list he made of his ideal woman. All of your Velvet-isms will be there, and you will know that he truly prefers you for you without you having to change a thing.
And, I think you’re very brave.
2/25/2006 10:48:25 PM
I’m sorry that this thing with NJ ended this way. I tried to label him as immature but sincere, but I guess he doesn’t get a good adjective after all. I reiterate, don’t listen to me ever again. I tend to see things the way I’d like them to be, not the way they really are. So now what?
2/25/2006 10:58:34 PM
Even though I said you shouldn’t contact him again, I think emailing was the right thing to do, because it’s what your heart told you to do. And when you follow your heart, it’s always the right choice, even if it didn’t turn out the way you wanted.
Just keep following your heart and you’ll find someone who realizes how precious what you have to offer is.
2/25/2006 11:09:58 PM
You rock, girl.
2/25/2006 11:48:37 PM
you deserve so much better than him, and you’ll find that person someday – or he’ll find you.
and to be completely honest, to hell with the book too. this is your life, and though it’s a rollercoaster at times, it’s unique to you.
2/26/2006 12:38:26 AM
Wicked H said…
Closure is what you needed and wanted and received. You handled it brilliantly. I agree with Playful and your Great Uncle – pick a good one, don’t settle.
Hold you head high Velvet, you already know you deserve better.
2/26/2006 07:17:47 AM
A Unique Alias said…
What an incredible pansy he turned out to be. Easier for him to try to use the “having kids” thing as an escape route thereby implying he wants to have kids with you, and then when finding out it didn’t work, just scurrying away after leaving a note.
High class. Good riddance.
2/26/2006 12:02:04 PM
You’ll get no “piling on” comment from me, Velvet.
You deserve a world class man, not second best. It turned out that NJ wasn’t first rate, but I’ll not brow beat you for trying. Relationships work that way sometimes.
Here’s hoping that this experience just gives you a better indication of what you don’t need. Because the moment we stop learning from our experiences is the moment that we repeat them.
The men will beat a path to your door in no time, I just know it.
2/26/2006 12:27:15 PM
First – I want to bitch about his pansy-ass “I want to have kids” move. AUA was right, it is a way to try to blame you. But what is even worse – it was a way to “imply” that he felt a certain way (I might want to have kids with you someday) without actually having to go on record. Pansy. Ass.
Second, I agree with everyone else! I’m glad you got closure! And you do deserve someone who makes you want to open his e-mail first, but never makes you sick to your stomach! He’s out there…
2/26/2006 01:30:44 PM
2/26/2006 02:33:42 PM
i had the same thing happen this weekend velvet. so I can understand and empathize. It just sux and I am very sorry.
His loss though.
2/26/2006 02:55:37 PM
Rhinestone Cowgirl said…
Many hugs, my friend…. here’s to a new week, and a clean slate. Your great-uncle is a smart, smart man.
2/26/2006 05:37:26 PM
I can’t beleive he was such an insensitive ass! I guess the silver lining is finding out sooner than later.
2/26/2006 05:43:37 PM
Did he really “fake the chemistry” with you, or did you want so badly for things to be a certain way that you convinced yourself that they were?
You went out with this guy, what, 4 times? All during that time you were going on dates with other men (that has nothing to do with his behavior, but is kind of a reality check on the whole thing). After he slept over on date #2, he said “take care” when he left in the a.m. – which didn’t sit well with you. You didn’t hear from him for a week. You said that things “smelled of usual tricks”, so you “lost the twinge of excitement” for him. He had a “flaky disappearance” at end of Jan. You then texted him, and he responded, so you went back out with him, and got completely caught up in all these feelings.
I say all of this because we, as girls, have all done this where we want so badly for things to be a certain way, that we ignore the clear signs being sent to us. The blame you are putting on him — and the threats of ‘revenge’ — though, are in this woman’s opinion not really justified. We have all been guilty of sending mixed messages — but it is often just because we’re not sure how we feel. Going out with someone a few times helps to figure that out — or talking with them about their feelings, being confronted with having to make a decision — all those things are just part of life, and no one should be blamed for going through them.
2/26/2006 06:09:14 PM
I’m sorry he was such a jerk. But like others have said, now you have closure and now you can move on and find someone so much better for you. I do like to believe that every relationship that turns out badly just helps teach you what you want out of a good one.
2/26/2006 06:23:19 PM
To everyone who has put a name next to their comment: Thank you for your kind words and support. It has definitely been a difficult time for me, and continues to be.
To Anonymous: It’s cowards like you who can’t sign their fucking name to their insults that tell me I should turn off anonymous comments once and for all. Good work going back through my archives to point out that things with him have been shaky at other times. You’re so smart. However, in case you missed it, after our glowing conversation on Wednesday night, I thought we were in nothing but the fast lane, on the way to working it all through and moving ahead.
It’s lucky for you that you’re so smart and that you are around in this world to make the rest of us realize how fucking stupid we are.
For the record, a phone call would have been the proper way for him to tell me he wasn’t feeling this. And if that phone call came at any time after date 2, but before date 6 on Valentine’s Day with flowers and candy, that would have been much appreciated.
2/26/2006 06:48:37 PM
I’m all late, but…interesting…
I think him saying all that about wanting kids is just as scary as a woman talking about I want to get married. I mean, you want to be honest about what the other person wants, but…not that soon. You were right to say you wanted something serious out of it, that’s within reason…but the whole kid thing threw me.
If it makes you feel better, LuckyFellow told me he didn’t want kids. That was a dealbreaker (among other things). But then a week or so later, we were watching TV and he said something along the lines of “well, I can do the math and you can do the reading” (we were watching kids do homework on TV and I mentioned I was no good at math)….yeah, talk about fucking scary. (Sorry, funny random anecdote.)
Anyway…at least you can stop thinking about it and start on other things!
Hit me up later….MUAH.
2/26/2006 08:15:55 PM
BAH! Men can be such fuckwits. I guess I don’t really have anything different to say from everyone else who has sent you supportive messages here. But, you do rock and will contine with the rocking for a long, long time. I know I am no expert on relationships but you can do better then silly ol’ NJ.
2/26/2006 09:06:48 PM
hey, at least you put yourself out there. this one didn’t work out, but I seriously believe that someone who comes across as confident and vivacious as you do, will find a guy who is worth your time. it might not be tomorrow, but it will happen. in the meantime, keep being fab.
2/26/2006 11:33:54 PM
It takes a long time for a guy to figure out he needs to call the girl every night. In fact, most of the ‘macho’ player guys dont do that. And thats not what you want for a relationship.
2/27/2006 08:15:40 AM
And I’m wondering if the whole kids thing was meant to drive you off. Kinda like if you were too wuss to break up with someone you do annoying shit so they can get the message.. ? shrug 🙂
2/27/2006 08:17:02 AM
I’m not going to get all long and drawn out on you (I don’t think):
He wasn’t it.
That doesn’t mean no one is.
Your right one will come.
And you’ll look back on this and think “What a dumb fuck I was for thinking that was anything!”
Even though it hurts a bit right now.
Maybe more than a bit.
But what the hell ever.
We have to hurt to realize when we feel really fantastic.
Here’s hoping your fantastic comes soon.
2/27/2006 09:05:01 AM
Give Your Head A Shake said…
Men are so predictable, it’s painful to watch.
2/27/2006 09:24:16 AM
Give Your Head A Shake said…
The other thing I meant to say before I hit the send button was this:
We’ve all been there. We’ve all done that “hmmm… not really sure about this guy” thing, only to have him show up with some grand gesture that makes us second-guess our guts. This is Men Behaving Badly at its best, and it’s his fault for having such poor character, rather than a reflection on your willingness to give love a chance even if it seems risky.
Fuck him. On behalf of women who’ve been put through this ringer everywhere: Fuck. Him.
2/27/2006 09:28:50 AM
He’s a fucking ass, and you’re better off without him.
2/27/2006 10:02:45 AM
The Eternal Freshman said…
You know I went out with a guy a year ago- we went out on a couple of dates. He was new to the area, and kind of negative about the whole thing, so I didn’t consider it a loss that I didn’t hear from him. Then when I popped up on Match, he saw my profile and wrote me. We got together once, had a great date. We were sitting at a bar watching a football game and having a really nice talk. He was very warm and engaging- and seemed a lot more positive than I had remembered. I figured that maybe he’d sorted through- or gotten past – all that negativity.
So we were talking, and he was holding my hand. He’d never been that affectionate as I recalled. Then out of the blue he asked me if I wanted kids. I said absolutely. Why lie? He said ‘good, good. I do too.’ The date went swimmingly, good night kiss, etc. After that night, it made me see him in a different light. I was starting to like this guy.
I never heard from him again.
What. The. Fuck.
2/27/2006 10:08:53 AM
Thanks guys. Johnny, I hardly recognize you without an X-rated comment!
Give your head a shake – I’m glad you came back with the 2nd comment. I needed that.
EF – Uh. Are you kidding me? What is wrong with these guys?
2/27/2006 10:43:51 AM
(And that goes for Anonymous, too.)
Don’t beat yourself up about it, though. I spent months longer with my ex than he deserved, all the while wondering what the hell happened to the great guy I used to date and making excuses for his shitty behaviour, while he treated me worse and worse, hoping that I’d break up with him. I still kick myself, thinking of all the times I should have dumped him on his ass, but it’s something you can’t see without distance. You really liked him, you thought he really liked you, he took the cowardly way out, he sucks.
Move on when you’re ready and know that The Book is still bullshit.
2/27/2006 12:29:42 PM
how are you coping?
2/27/2006 02:40:19 PM
Hello Velvet. I’m not sure if my comments are welcome, but I wanted to respond anyway. I’m sorry you are hurting so much right now. A friend once said there is no pain greater than unrequited love. I agree. I’ve read everyone’s post and am thankful you have such supportive friends. I remember you taking me to Maggiano’s and nursing me through one of my most painful post-post-beating-a-dead-horse-just-can’t-let-it-go break-ups, securing in me the simple fact that he wasn’t the one and the right one is out there, much like your girlfriends are saying here. I would feel remiss not saying something else though. I don’t know who ‘Anonymous’ is and would be just as curious and suspicious as you are. But aside from that, I thought she had some kernals of truth in her response. I don’t know about everyone else, but I didn’t read what she wrote as an “insult” to point out how “stupid” you are. I think it may have been tough hearing it from a stranger, but I thought she was sincere in trying to show you another side of things and to try to teach a lesson – a lesson I think as women we all struggle with: We hear what we want to hear and guys tell/show us who they are loudly and clearly. I’ve always tried to tell you when something didn’t sit right with me. This ‘Anonymous’ points those out with great detail. He was inconsistent and didn’t go to great lengths to show you he was interested. He really didn’t. My only wish is that you had kicked him to the curb before he had the chance. But you didn’t want to let go of hope and I can certainly appreciate that. I hope you go back and reread Anonymous’ post. I know it struck a chord with me. Perhaps it did for others. She sounds like someone at least worth responding to. Maybe she’ll turn out to be another good friend.
2/27/2006 02:59:39 PM
tlikinim / Sara:
You know that I think that anon comment was you. You can admit it, I think that comment is mean-spirited and I don’t think you can ever be mean-spirited so if you did write it, I could have misread it.
Anyway, to you, and to all the readers, there is always more going on behind the scenes than ends up on the blog. Sometimes I deem things just too personal to say on the blog, or they are so unique, that a stranger reading might say, “Hey…I just said that to someone this weekend…is this girl talking about me?” Then, I’m outed. And we don’t want that.
Ok. The thing with NJ is this. He was flaky in his communication, that’s for sure. BUT, the most recent of contact between us was him emailing furiously from his ski trip in Colorado and it wasn’t about sex because we weren’t having it. What I saw from my end are things like him trying to get back to see me, calling when he said he would, coming over, coming for Valentines Day, bringing flowers, wine, cheesecake, telling me on our first date that guys know if they want to marry a woman on the first date and subsequently, that they wouldn’t bother to continue to date her, telling me on the first date that he rarely makes it past a couple dates with someone, the list goes on.
While the communication was shaky at times, there were a lot of emails, and a lot of things said that were not detailed in the blog because I was trying to protect him. For what, who knows. At this point, it’s a done deal.
Just trust that I’m not a novice in dating, by any stretch. I’ve dated hundreds of men. I can see the signs. I’ve seen men who want to settle in for a long winter’s nap with me, I’ve seen those who just want to get in my fancy designer jeans. I can tell the difference.
I don’t know that this is about NJ playing a game with me, as it is about him not having the same level of chemistry with me but giving very poor signals to the opposite.
Anyway, while I don’t agree with what you said, I appreciate that you took the time to write to me about it. Well, not only that you took the time to write, but that you had to set up a blogger account to do so. I’m glad you did.
I’ll see you this week.
2/27/2006 03:23:54 PM
I’m not the initial anonymous blogger either, but I don’t really understand the issue with anonymous replies. Why does it matter if you know created blog name of the person replying? Why is it any more cowardly than not posting your picture for the world to see who you are?
Regardless, I also agree with much of what anonymous said. Women get too wrapped up in looking for “signs” and talking about “games”. It all seems pretty simple to me – if a guy likes you, you’re not going to have to guess, you’re not going to have to doubt.
I also wonder why in your mind it was okay for you to be going out on all these dates with various men….
As for mean-spirited, seems you’re suggesting that anything that doesn’t nurse your wounds is mean-spirited. Toughen up, lady! Some times it’s good to hear/read things we don’t want to.
2/27/2006 04:03:01 PM
Because when people post anonymous, they say meaner things than they would if their name was attached.
We never had “the talk” and I can only assume he was dating other women too. I never said I thought he wasn’t.
And there’s a way to say things. The first anon went through my blog archives piecing everything together that I’ve ever said, then tried to slap me in the face with it. I’m not saying you can’t disagree with me, hardly. I know I don’t always make the right moves. But when my HEART IS FUCKING HURTING IT WOULD BE NICE IF SOME MOTHERFUCKERS DIDN’T WALK ALL OVER IT. Got it?
2/27/2006 04:09:45 PM
But you posting mean-spirited details, comments, and insults related to your dates with random men that don’t know you’re doing it is ok?
I understand your heart is broken, and I’m sorry it happened.
On the other hand, I just think you’re a pretty mean-spirited blogger in general. Maybe what goes around, comes around.
Delete if you want.
2/27/2006 05:15:43 PM
Notanon – I haven’t identified anyone I’ve gone out with by any details.
If you don’t like it, then get off the blog and don’t come back.
2/27/2006 05:15:44 PM
Velvet, as a reader who doesn’t make a habit of commenting, would like to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. It’s dating and it shouldn’t be this hard. Yet it is. So don’t sweat it. You’re too cool for school.
2/27/2006 06:28:56 PM
Here are my favorite lessons about people (other than you) from this year.
Some bitches is mean.
Some bitches is jealous.
Please pardon my frankness.
2/27/2006 10:12:22 PM
First notanon—get over yourself! It’s a blog for god’s sake.
He’s a douche. Glad you aired it. You’ll be fine!
My favorite line: “Next…”
2/27/2006 10:52:45 PM
Give Your Head A Shake said…
You and I find ourselves in similar waters these days. Like I said, you’re not the first one whose mis-read her gut. I just got dumped, too, only mine was after 4 months and the birth of my son. (I wrote about it on my blog.) They really have no end to their atrocity, do they? Like I’ve always said, the problem with men today is that they aren’t women.
3/01/2006 08:59:33 AM
Crazy Girl City said…
Eh, about the anons…..I used to get ALL worked up about what they say….not so much now. Most of my anons are haters….so I say fuck em.
I am sorry that you are hurting about NJ. He sucks it to friggin email you rather than at least a phone call to end it.
3/01/2006 02:36:22 PM