Three Hilarious Conversations:
I. “I Got Time”
Today. My Great Uncle calls. We exchange the how are you doing pleasantries. Then this:
Uncle M: I made a big mistake.
Velvet: What are you talking about? Picking that home to live in?
Uncle M: Well, and I never got married.
Velvet: I’m not sure how that’s a mistake.
Uncle M: Well, I don’t want to settle down just yet.
Velvet: Oh, ok. But aren’t you going to be 84 next weekend?
Uncle M: Yeah, but you know, I don’t want to be tied down just yet.
Velvet: That’s fair. I know how you feel.
Uncle M: There’s a girl here I’ve got my eye on though.
Velvet (not realizing what’s coming next:) Oh? That’s great.
Uncle M: Yeah. She wants to be a doctor.
Velvet: Um…..did you say wants to be?
Uncle M: Yeah.
Velvet: How old is she?
Uncle M: Probably about 30.
Velvet: Well, good for you!
I have got to get back up there to see him. His 84th birthday next Sunday…must go.
II. “I Just Can’t Look At You In The Same Way Again”
I can’t get into the details of this next story (brother reads and all) but let’s say I entertained my boss this morning with a very X-rated story. (Yes, yes, I know you are going to email me asking for the deets, bad boy.)
Boss is sitting in my office in one of the two visitors chairs. There are signs all over our building to ignore the fire alarms today, and just as I’m telling the story, an alarm goes off. I had to start yelling a little, but it’s not the kind of story you want to yell. And of course, right as I’m at the pivotal point, the alarm stops and I say a couple words just a little too loud that made both of us blush. Damn big mouth on me. Later, he’s walking by my office, looks in and starts laughing, and shakes his head.
Velvet: What now?
Boss: I can’t believe you. I just can’t look at you in the same way again.
Velvet: Is it better or worse?
Boss: Oh it’s definitely better.
Velvet: I got skills and promise and all sorts of stuff going for me.
Boss: After that story, uh, I would say that yes you do.
Later, someone comes in my office when he’s sitting in there, and the other person wants to sit in my other visitors chair. (Who invited these visitors anyway?) But my sweatshirt is on it. My boss leans over and says, “Here. Let me grab that. After the story I just heard you might not want to touch it.” Sigh. It’s days like this that I think I could never move.
III. Guess Who’s Back???
Phone Rings at work. I see something very interesting on the caller ID. The office is a ghost town. I pick it up.
Velvet: Hello, Happy Homebuilders.
Voice on other end: Velvet?
Voice on other end: It’s “Hot Broker.”
HotBroker: That’s all? Hey? I thought you would give me a rash of shit for not calling back sooner.
Velvet: I’ve dished out rashes of shit to everyone who has come my way for the past three weeks, so I’m burned out. You’re off the hook.
HB: (laughing) Well that’s good. Not for them, but for me. So the reason I wasn’t calling back is that I don’t have any more information on the building for sale. There was a stall on the seller’s side and it should be worked out any day now.
Velvet: That’s fine. I was in Arizona last week for a, brace yourself, Active Adult conference.
HB: (laughing harder) Uh, I really don’t see you as the person to be hanging out with a bunch of active adults.
Velvet: Yes, make your jokes, it was me and a thousand 70 year olds.
HB: I don’t even really see you as an adult.
Velvet: I know. I’ve been told I act like a 12 year old.
HB: So where’ve you been? My dog takes me by your house all the time but I never see you.
Needle off the record. Rewind. What? Trying to think on my feet. Think Velvet, THINK!
Velvet: Well I always leave the balcony door open so you have to call the dogs. They’ll come to see you. And we’ll come down.
(Yeah, that doesn’t sound eager at all. Good going Velvet. Nice Rapunzel reference by the way you stupid girl.)
HB: Great. Ok, we’ll do that. Walking through your neighborhood is a pain in the ass cause I get hit on by the gay guys.
Velvet: Well, I guess that answers my question.
(It was out of my mouth before I could stop it.)
HB: What question.
HB: Damn! Everyone thinks I’m gay. When I wear a suit I get hit on non freaking stop!
Velvet: Well now I know you’re not.
HB launches into stories of my gay gym, gay sex that happens in the showers at my gym, getting hit on by gay men, their gay pickup lines, what the gay hood used to be like. If he didn’t catch me so off guard, I could have tried harder. I’m an expert in all things gay you know.
We hung up with plans to touch base in the next few days. Unless of course his “dog” walks him by my house before that. Fucking meow. Let’s go buddy.
Sammy and Thora: Stand post at the balcony and alert mommy if he comes by! I’ve been
stalking lusting for this man for months now. I can’t lose out again. Go, Now!!!