Ok. I’m still not ready to get back out there. It’s boring! But I’m making preparations. I’ve found a standard hunting guide and reinterpreted it a little to make it apply to the dating world. Welcome to Man Hunting Velvet Style.
1) Take a Hunter Evaluation Course.
Yay! I passed! They said this blog was proof enough alone that I’m equipped for this job.
2) Purchase a Hunting License for the current seasons.
Hmm. A license you say? I’m looking through my licenses and, well, I have a lot of other certifications, do any of these count? I have a D.C. Driver’s license with Motorcycle Endorsements and a Certificate for graduation from the “Atlanta School of Bartending.” (I’m a Mixologist and shit.) I’m also certified in Soil Erosion and Sediment Control. I can close down a construction site with my card. “You have to put more rocks down at the entrance to control the velocity of water runoff exiting your site!!! The road is all muddy and the soccer moms can’t get through here to pick their kids up from school!” I’m a notary public also. I have a notary stamp should you need it.
3) Know all applicable state laws.
Note to self: do not disclose you ride a motorcycle. It threatens everyone’s masculinity. Also, never reveal to them that you have a blog, for fear they turn psycho and read it every 10 minutes. Don’t steal another girl’s boyfriend or eek, husband.
4) Scout locations to hunt and ask for written permission.
“Hi, Local 16? This is Velvet. I was planning to come in there tonight to scout and hunt. Can you send me written permission? Thanks.” I’m still waiting for this by the way. I think I heard laughter in the background before they hung up. Someone must have been telling a good joke.
5) Learn the habits of your chosen game.
Boys like to talk about themselves, watch football and sleep with their hand down their own pants. Some of them play Playstation or that X-Box thingy. And they like Tivo. All of that happens on the couch or at a bar, so that’s a good place to find them. Does anyone know of any couches I can walk by?
6) Study suggested hunting techniques.
I read “The Game.” Immediately dismissed as useless trash. No one I would want to be with would be dumb enough to fall for those lines. Oh, it’s for picking up women you say? That’s what you think. I could make it work on the men. And I wouldn’t want those men in my life. I’ve gotten better advice from my work, all of which I can apply to this scenario. From the boss, “If they’re not talking to you, they are talking to someone else,” and “Aim for at least one new deal a week.” Okay, well in this case, aim for one new hunt an hour. Gotta maximize the time spent on the prowl.
7) Choose a proper firearm.
Pushup bra with tranquilizer bullets loaded in the nipple chamber? Check. Tongue Ring with my perfume on it so I can deposit it in his mouth and he’ll never forget me? Check. Tattoo needle filled with ink so I can stamp my name and number on his face? Check.
8) Find clothing appropriate for season. Remember your hunter orange!
I’ve also worn my thong undies. But they are not orange. I’m a big fan of pink. Does this count?
9) Be sure to wear a safety harness.
Um….are we talking about this?
Good lord. I have visions of that thing being installed in my house, and drilled so far into the concrete that it won’t be able to come out. Then I’ll want to sell my condo, and for the first time ever, a Seller’s Disclosure Statement will have the words, “Love Swing conveys with unit.”
10) Create a Hunting plan, tell someone where you’ll be and when you’ll be back.
I always leave my neighbor with all information I know about new dates, and all my computer passwords should she need to get in to my email to see who I was last talking to and what story he may have concocted. I envision that should I not return from one of these hunts, and my non-return be deemed “foul play,” that the boys of Law and Order will find me. It’s nice to know that all my conversations are logged in email.
11) Hunting Day has arrived! Get out there and have fun!
Scan the available prey dating pool. Zone in on targets. Perform cursory check of targets for wedding bands, wedding band indentations and other signs of baggage visible to the naked eye. An example would be his wearing his pants too high around his waist. Other examples are the fact that he has no friends beyond the virtual world. In this case, you might be lucky enough in that he won’t actually be out and about in your target range, but still be careful. Approach target in a circuitous manner to view from all sides. Pick which side is best. Imagine yourself on that arm. Prowl through the crowd dispensing your phone number as required. Remember, cute after a few beers in a dark bar is not the same as cute when the sun comes up and you are sober.
12) After the hunt, review your hunt and make notes for next time.
Email pictures taken to Mom. Immediately discard the ones she approves of. Eliminate any non-verbal communicators who text you before actually calling. There was also something in the real hunting guide about “measuring the antler point” but I’m afraid that doing this after the hunt is too late. I may already find myself in the arms of some man packing a small antler. Wouldn’t be the first time. I’m the Goldilocks of Cocks. (“This one is too big,” “This one is too small,” “This one is juuuuust right.” Shortly after that, I get dumped.)
13) Take appropriate care of all game harvested.
Always harvest on their turf. Two reasons: 1) You don’t have to clean the sheets and 2)You decide when to leave – and it better be soon! Get your clothes and get the hell out of there. Climb over his snoring body in stealth mode and remember – If you did it right, when you first walked into the door of his place, you acted as though you were casually ripping off clothes and carelessly tossing them around in the heat of the moment. That’s for effect. Really, you must have a mental map and complete inventory of where everything is. Bra on the lampshade, undies on his cowboy hat. Oops. I digress. Anyway, that way you can get dressed in record time. (I’m actually a little too good at this, I’ve been told. I have to remind myself to dumb it down to, “Have you seen my bra?” instead of retrieving it from behind the refrigerator like I’m in a timed obstacle course.)
14) Clean your equipment and store in a secure area.
This is pretty self-explanatory really. Clean your equipment damn it and store it in a secure area. Christ. Do I have to tell you everything?? HIV tests fucking suck whether the world famous tattoo artist didn’t use gloves and died of AIDS the year after your first tattoo or if the condom broke with your anal retentive Wall Street Trader Boyfriend. Not that I would know. On either case.
15) Share stories with your friends.
Uh. This hasn’t worked out so well for me in the recent past. Fake friends can disguise themselves as real friends for a long time. But I’m usually willing to trust again. And I’m willing to post it all here, on the blog, for your reading pleasure.