Ok. I’m still not ready to get back out there. It’s boring! But I’m making preparations. I’ve found a standard hunting guide and reinterpreted it a little to make it apply to the dating world. Welcome to Man Hunting Velvet Style.
1) Take a Hunter Evaluation Course.
Yay! I passed! They said this blog was proof enough alone that I’m equipped for this job.
2) Purchase a Hunting License for the current seasons.
Hmm. A license you say? I’m looking through my licenses and, well, I have a lot of other certifications, do any of these count? I have a D.C. Driver’s license with Motorcycle Endorsements and a Certificate for graduation from the “Atlanta School of Bartending.” (I’m a Mixologist and shit.) I’m also certified in Soil Erosion and Sediment Control. I can close down a construction site with my card. “You have to put more rocks down at the entrance to control the velocity of water runoff exiting your site!!! The road is all muddy and the soccer moms can’t get through here to pick their kids up from school!” I’m a notary public also. I have a notary stamp should you need it.
3) Know all applicable state laws.
Note to self: do not disclose you ride a motorcycle. It threatens everyone’s masculinity. Also, never reveal to them that you have a blog, for fear they turn psycho and read it every 10 minutes. Don’t steal another girl’s boyfriend or eek, husband.
4) Scout locations to hunt and ask for written permission.
“Hi, Local 16? This is Velvet. I was planning to come in there tonight to scout and hunt. Can you send me written permission? Thanks.” I’m still waiting for this by the way. I think I heard laughter in the background before they hung up. Someone must have been telling a good joke.
5) Learn the habits of your chosen game.
Boys like to talk about themselves, watch football and sleep with their hand down their own pants. Some of them play Playstation or that X-Box thingy. And they like Tivo. All of that happens on the couch or at a bar, so that’s a good place to find them. Does anyone know of any couches I can walk by?
6) Study suggested hunting techniques.
I read “The Game.” Immediately dismissed as useless trash. No one I would want to be with would be dumb enough to fall for those lines. Oh, it’s for picking up women you say? That’s what you think. I could make it work on the men. And I wouldn’t want those men in my life. I’ve gotten better advice from my work, all of which I can apply to this scenario. From the boss, “If they’re not talking to you, they are talking to someone else,” and “Aim for at least one new deal a week.” Okay, well in this case, aim for one new hunt an hour. Gotta maximize the time spent on the prowl.
7) Choose a proper firearm.
Pushup bra with tranquilizer bullets loaded in the nipple chamber? Check. Tongue Ring with my perfume on it so I can deposit it in his mouth and he’ll never forget me? Check. Tattoo needle filled with ink so I can stamp my name and number on his face? Check.
8) Find clothing appropriate for season. Remember your hunter orange!
I’ve also worn my thong undies. But they are not orange. I’m a big fan of pink. Does this count?
9) Be sure to wear a safety harness.
Um….are we talking about this?
Good lord. I have visions of that thing being installed in my house, and drilled so far into the concrete that it won’t be able to come out. Then I’ll want to sell my condo, and for the first time ever, a Seller’s Disclosure Statement will have the words, “Love Swing conveys with unit.”
10) Create a Hunting plan, tell someone where you’ll be and when you’ll be back.
I always leave my neighbor with all information I know about new dates, and all my computer passwords should she need to get in to my email to see who I was last talking to and what story he may have concocted. I envision that should I not return from one of these hunts, and my non-return be deemed “foul play,” that the boys of Law and Order will find me. It’s nice to know that all my conversations are logged in email.
11) Hunting Day has arrived! Get out there and have fun!
Scan the available prey dating pool. Zone in on targets. Perform cursory check of targets for wedding bands, wedding band indentations and other signs of baggage visible to the naked eye. An example would be his wearing his pants too high around his waist. Other examples are the fact that he has no friends beyond the virtual world. In this case, you might be lucky enough in that he won’t actually be out and about in your target range, but still be careful. Approach target in a circuitous manner to view from all sides. Pick which side is best. Imagine yourself on that arm. Prowl through the crowd dispensing your phone number as required. Remember, cute after a few beers in a dark bar is not the same as cute when the sun comes up and you are sober.
12) After the hunt, review your hunt and make notes for next time.
Email pictures taken to Mom. Immediately discard the ones she approves of. Eliminate any non-verbal communicators who text you before actually calling. There was also something in the real hunting guide about “measuring the antler point” but I’m afraid that doing this after the hunt is too late. I may already find myself in the arms of some man packing a small antler. Wouldn’t be the first time. I’m the Goldilocks of Cocks. (“This one is too big,” “This one is too small,” “This one is juuuuust right.” Shortly after that, I get dumped.)
13) Take appropriate care of all game harvested.
Always harvest on their turf. Two reasons: 1) You don’t have to clean the sheets and 2)You decide when to leave – and it better be soon! Get your clothes and get the hell out of there. Climb over his snoring body in stealth mode and remember – If you did it right, when you first walked into the door of his place, you acted as though you were casually ripping off clothes and carelessly tossing them around in the heat of the moment. That’s for effect. Really, you must have a mental map and complete inventory of where everything is. Bra on the lampshade, undies on his cowboy hat. Oops. I digress. Anyway, that way you can get dressed in record time. (I’m actually a little too good at this, I’ve been told. I have to remind myself to dumb it down to, “Have you seen my bra?” instead of retrieving it from behind the refrigerator like I’m in a timed obstacle course.)
14) Clean your equipment and store in a secure area.
This is pretty self-explanatory really. Clean your equipment damn it and store it in a secure area. Christ. Do I have to tell you everything?? HIV tests fucking suck whether the world famous tattoo artist didn’t use gloves and died of AIDS the year after your first tattoo or if the condom broke with your anal retentive Wall Street Trader Boyfriend. Not that I would know. On either case.
15) Share stories with your friends.
Uh. This hasn’t worked out so well for me in the recent past. Fake friends can disguise themselves as real friends for a long time. But I’m usually willing to trust again. And I’m willing to post it all here, on the blog, for your reading pleasure.
Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Oh, Simon & Schuster? I have something I think you should see…
If you’re still not 100% ready to get out there, I think we should go out and at the very least do a test pilot. Kiss a few boys, flirt, and then meet and re-assess our strategy.
I’m not ready to get out there either but I’m with Eternal…lets go out there just to flirt and split up at bars, take notes and see how well the strategies work depending on diff colored shirts, bars and heel sizes. Fantastic post.
So…soil erosion and sediment control….Very hot.
What a great post…hilarious.
I’m with Kassy and Eternal. Let’s get out there and…uh…well, I’d just like to be there.
lol! i do not sleep with my hand down my pants!
i dont even wear pants.
im just sayin.
# 3? Last sentence? That needs some ‘splainin’.
This is brillian!! I love your post. But notice the difference between men and women.
Women will be all methodical… planning everything to a tee… hunting techniques… selection of game… even the equipment! And once you’ve secured the prey, you have your scented candles (or whips and chains, depending on the evening)… etc.
Men: pregame drinking. Bar. More drinking. Throw net. Wake up next morning… catch and release. Repeat.
We need more women CEOs. The planet would be much more efficient. And safe.
You’ve convinced me that you will get whatever big game you go after! Good God, I wouldn’t stand in your way!
“Boys like to talk about themselves, watch football and sleep with their hand down their own pants.”
I will admit to talking about/to myself on a regular basis, but I only ever sleep naked. I guess that means my hands are perpetually grabbing things while I sleep. How embarassing.
“at the very least do a test pilot.”
Damn woman, make a reference card with strategic bullet points for your wallet!
For a while, I got back into archery and I would practice at this range where the Zen archers were. Fascinatin’ stuff with their prayers and rice throwing and all, but anyhoo…it also housed the exact opposites of the Nirvana twangers and that would be your deer hunters, getting ready for the season. The rest of us would be out there with out gentle wooden bows, and these men would be armed with military crossbows with telescopic sites and flame throwers, and then…laughing…they’d haul their life-sized plastic Bambi’s out to practice on.
I guess what I’m sayin’ is, be fully armed and maybe practice on a few dummies.
I hear the DC territiory has been severely over-hunted in recent years leaving the male species nearly extinct. Rumour has it that Baltimore’s hunting grounds are quite fertile, especially when pursuing the “big horned” variety of male.
I’m all about the window shopping, myself. Let me know if/when it’s on!
I’m about to pee myself because I’m laughing so damn hard!
This is a Velvet instant-classic!!
Great preying, uh, I mean dating guide. I will lock and load my push up bra, waiting to attack. Charge 😉
I definitely learned something here. Thank you, Velvet, and best of luck once these are put to use.
Baltimore, eh? Velvet, I think we got a field trip on our hands!
Chico’s Bail Bonds – Aww…making me blush over here.
EF – Can we go to a country bar? Please please please?
KK – Okay, I’m game, BUT, I hear going out with you is trouble…
KM – Yeah, sediment control. Awesome, isn’t it? You should see the red clay we have at one of our sites now. And ticks. It’s fab.
Double O – C’mon beeyotch! Show yourself. I was just at the dog park for like 2 hours.
Johnny – They don’t make pants big enough to fit your manhood!
La Whisky – Huh? The don’t steal bf’s or husbands? That needs explaining?
Raincover – I don’t know about the CEO thing. I work with all men now, and it’s much better than the days of women bosses who were bitches on wheels.
Barbara – The funny thing is I’m so not competitive. If a friend wanted the same guy, I’d just back down. I’m not an aggressive hunter you know. I’m more apt to go for the geek in the corner not talking to anyone else.
Chuckles – Um…I was envisioning it as you men grabbing your stuff while awake too. Do you ever wear pants?
Bilious – Again I have to google portions of your comment. So okay, I see Chuck Yager is the “greatest test pilot of all.” Look, I’m not all up on that stuff. But you want to know what color Vogue magazine is touting for fall? I’m your girl.
Old Lady – Would these bullet points fit?
Cube – Haven’t I practiced with enough dummies? I refer you to my blog, all 364 days worth of it.
Cosmic Shambles – Was that a dare?
Buttercup – Okay! Will do!
Mel – Why thank you!
Bejeweled – I think I’ll call James Bond of the Sean Connery / Roger Moore Variety. I think they would know where we could get such bullet loaded bras.
Scarlet – Dare I ask what you learned? I’m skeerd!
EF – Let’s roll. I’m game. I’m SO OVER D.C.’s scene.
Do you ever wear pants?
Not when I can get away without pants, but I recently moved next to a kindergarten so that means pants must be on at all times.
As for the safety harness…I thought that came standard these days-ooops!!!
Hahaha. You are the best at poking fun at yourself, and it is great. I think you have a great attitude.
And you’re greek. Doesn’t that have to go in there somewhere?! 🙂
Group prowling is okay, but sometimes it’s best to go it alone. You never know when a hunting buddy will pull a Cheney and cause the whole expedition to blow up in your face. And it usually ain’t no accident.
Did I hear somone say “country bar”?! I’m definitely down for that, if only to serve as wing woman. Yee haw! 😉
I want, more than a latte, for you to meet a hot, young, Indie (not EMO) guy who hates football, likes baseball, has good hair products and rides his own motorcycle.
Oh, and Baltimore is truly fertile territory.
It could happen. I have a Feng Shui wallet card that has 2 sides. I need a magnifying glass. Doubt you would.
Semper Scripta – Women are pack hunters! Like the female Hyenas, equipped with a faux-penis and capable of mounting each other. They hunt for males as well….only it is for nutritional purposes.
I do not hunt, BP, I am hunted. (And, at present, caught.) Still, I have been known to eat nice boys like you for breakfast.
Whatever happened to the good, old fashioned rolling pin?
Chuckles – I’m not so sure. Maybe those kids need to see what they could aspire to. Well, the boys anyway.
Sharkbail – yes yes people. the Typo is on purpose. She gets it, k?? So, I should have tossed something in about prowling at the Greek Festivals, huh?
AW – Now, are you talking about the sort of hunting buddy who will back you into a corner before she pulls the Cheney gun out? I’ve never seen anything like that, have you?
Betty Joan – HELL’s YEAH. I’m all into that. A new crowd. Hopefully less full of themselves.
Playful – An Indie? Really? Huh. And what’s EMO? I’m all lost and shit with your lingo.
Old Lady – You are truly resourceful.
Bilious – You’ve been warned. And deleted. Keep your banter on your own blog.
Phil – Are you implying that my hunting guide is somehow, lacking a little violence? Do I redeem myself if I promise to slap him around in the bedroom at all?
Intimidation is a useful strategy, V. A cunning hunter knows that a deer in headlights is easier to hit than one on the run.
I am jealous of all your certifications.
Boys like girls with good skills.
Sediment skills. 🙂
Is that in your job field, or a past hey-day in looking for hot construction men? 🙂
LOVE IT!!! I am still laughing.
Love the rules!
This was a good post. Dunno how I skipped it. One question though, how do you measure the size of antler without…?? Hope it’s not a dumb question.
i love it