Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Another Year and Then You’ll Be Happy

I had originally written the following over the course of the past couple months. I added to it here and there as things struck me. However, this morning, I came into work to find out that the layoffs of last month were “just the beginning.” The homebuilding industry continues to suffer because of the stupidity of the Fed in keeping rates so low and giving the money away. People are walking away from homes under contract because the values have dropped so much. Too bad Greenspan didn’t realize that we have this thing called a “self-correcting economy” and it can really only take so much tinkering before it snaps back in the opposite direction and fucks you in the ass.

So. Yeah. Layoffs just beginning. Today is a payday and a Friday, and 4 people in my department are apparently being laid off. There are only 10 of us. Doesn’t sound good, does it? If I squeek through today, I might not squeek along much longer. And I shall say this now:

If I get laid off, I’m leaving D.C.

Well. Don’t act shocked. You knew it was coming. Here we go with my original post.

Dear Washington D.C.:

I am no longer in love with you. I don’t know when it happened, but I have fallen out of love and I’m not sure if you can do anything to change my mind. You are hereby on notice that you are on a probationary period. If you can’t comply with the following list of demands, I will be off in search of a better life within the year.

In no particular order:

  1. Please find several thousand eligible, attractive single men living in other parts of the country and convince them to move here. We have to tip this stupid 3 to 1 ratio back. Use your best marketing efforts.
  2. Strip all political talk from the conversation topic arsenal of at least 70% of the people here. More than 70% would be appreciated, but I’m confident I can avoid the other 30% who think their opinion actually matters. I fell into a coma shortly after I moved here with all this political talk about nothing. Do these people really think anything is going to change? Most of these politicians are crooked and self-serving and if you think otherwise, then I’ve got a bridge to sell you. It’s made of Velvet.
  3. Get rid of the hypocrites. This is non-party specific. Both Conservatives and Liberals alike are guilty. What’s that you say? Politics and religion attract and breed some of the biggest hypocrites? If we got rid of them, there would be few left? Eh, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. Shake some trees, and let’s see who falls out and who can hang on.
  4. Please tell the men here that if they have had sex with another man, even just once, then they are, in my book, gay enough to be off limits. I don’t want to find any of my potential boyfriends with another man’s ass attached to the end of his penis. Ever.
  5. Please close down the following establishments: McDonald’s on 17th Street, Soviet Safeway, Heaven and Hell. While you’re at it, also please annihilate Craigslist M4W ads. All of them. Forever.
  6. Remind people, especially those three girls from the ‘burbs, walking together that it is NOT okay to waltz side by side by side while forcing oncoming pedestrians into a dog shit filled tree box. The polite and correct thing to do is double behind your yappy friend. None of you are saying anything important anyway. Bitches. And take that gum out of your mouth, who are you? Jessica Simpson? Gum chewing looks ridiculous on anyone over 14.
  7. Tell the ASSHOLE bike riders that it is NOT OKAY to bob and weave through traffic in the morning on K Street. Stay on the side of the freaking road as close to the curb as possible. Ooh ooh! AND, If they want to ride where the cars ride, then they should STOP AT THE RED LIGHTS AS WELL.
  8. Make sure all Bridge and Tunnelers (read: you people from far away) know that it is totally unacceptable to block S Street because you want to valet your SUV at the most overrated restaurant in D.C. Lauriol Plaza. Move over to the side of the road and let me pass you. You don’t own the god damned place. In fact, can we just add Lauriol to the list of places to be shut down? Great.
  9. Sigh. I’m a dog owner. Come rain, snow, heat, no poop bags, I pick up the poop, even if I have to use street trash, crawl in a bush or hell, use my bare hands. But some dog owners suck and they need to be told that when their dog craps in the middle of the sidewalk, they have to pick it up. Because the person who steps in it will drag their shoe down the sidewalk, spreading it everywhere, making it impossible for my 2 human legs and 8 dog legs to dodge it.
  10. Dare I get started on the cops, again? Ok. I will. Please do something about this very poor excuse for a police force. I have lived in Miami, Phoenix, Atlanta and New York. I have never seen a lazier group of police than here. Never mind that none of them are good looking (NYC wins first, second and third place on that) but they are totally and completely useless. “I understand you want me to put my elderly, passive dog with a slipped disc on a leash, but do you think you could arrest this man who just put a knife in my spleen first?” Heh. The cop would probably tell me to shut the fuck up.
  11. Actually enforce the cell phone law. Those talking on their cell phone without an ear piece, slamming on their brakes in the middle of the street, that law was made for them, yanno. Remind them, okay? Dispense a few tickets on that item. Make some money off the stupid.
  12. Re-educate all drivers so they know that STOP SIGNS are octogon shaped red things that tell you you need to stop your car. There is one at the corner of New Hampshire and S Street. It doesn’t say “Slow down to 30 m.p.h. and proceed, taking out any pedestrians in your way,” It says STOP!
  13. Teach people that the left lane is for passing. And, just because you are driving the speed limit and I want to go faster, doesn’t mean you can block the left lane. It is not YOUR JOB to make me obey the law.
  14. Revoke every cab driver’s license and make them learn it all over again. Better yet, send them somewhere else and get us new cab drivers. With meters. Thanks.


  1. Siryn

    Come back to New York, hon! Good times. 🙂

  2. Aziz

    I wish “execrable” were spelled with a “p”, so I could say that “Lauriol Plaza puts the ‘crap’ in ‘execraple.'” But it’s not, so I can’t say that. Regardless, I think you know where I stand on that place.

    Have you thought about living overseas? Hong Kong. Trust me. Just got back, and fell in love. That said, I hope you don’t get laid off.

  3. Sharkbait

    You need to do what you need to do for you. I think that it could be a smart move, especially if you are no longer in love with the area. Unhappiness will ensue and you are not the type of chick to sit around and be unhappy.

    Best of luck and of course I am hoping they keep you around!

  4. Chuckles

    Meters in the cabs would be nice.

  5. La Whisky

    I hate DC/VA/MD drivers. They all suffer from I’msomuchmoreimportantthanyou-itis. I also hate those seemingly healthy people that take their frigging time – who seem to walk extra slowly on purpose – to cross a street in high traffic. I hate that mani-pedis cost more here than they do in NYC.

    I hope that there will be a continuation of Velvet no matter the venue.

  6. johnny

    I still sense a bit of life in you that DC has yet to crush out of you. This is the city that absolutely guarantees you will be 100% embittered before you leave.

    Just like L.A.

    Long story short, you cant leave yet.


  7. Raincouver

    I think I remember this post! I love the “bridge and tunnel” reference… we use it here too. I will fight for dear life if I ever run the risk of moving to the burbs.

  8. Velvet

    Siryn – I think about it all the time. But I just don’t think I could have the carefree life there that I would want. And my dogs would suffer tremendously.

    Aziz – No to Hong Kong. I really would probably end up in Phoenix.

    Thanks Sharkie!

    Chuckles – Provided that the starting fare isn’t like $5, which I bet it would be. Then it wouldn’t be better with meters.

    La Whisky – I would definitely keep blogging, but I would have to change the name, wouldn’t I?

    Johnny – When you make a comment that isn’t X-rated or filled with spanks, you show just how truly intelligent you are. Those words are very true.

    Raincouver – Remember this post? It’s new. But I have bitched about various items on the list for a while now. I must stop my bitching though!

  9. flawless

    If you really loved DC, those issues wouldn’t deter you. These are symptoms of something “deeper”. Try Texas! We love animals, the highways are huge, and the SWAT team has their own television show.
    Our favorite conversations are about the weather, shopping, and football. Would love to have any of y’all move down here.

  10. Aziz

    Phoenix is beat. I’d try Vancouver. Or Pittsburgh.

  11. DCOE

    First of all, this list is entirely true. But second of all, number seven is the most true thing I have ever read. The bikers in this city want to drive on the freaking road, but they think they can turn left on red or fly through red lights. It almost makes me wish they got hit.

  12. mappyb

    Girl, you totally need to move to Phoenix. Laid back, cowboys….plus, you loved it there! That post was full of love.

  13. barbara

    This is a pretty long list. How many of them have to be satisfied for you to stay here? Do you really think things could be that much different in any large city? And for God’s sake, tell me you’re not talking about moving to a small town! You know you love the excitement that DC offers. Sure, you could still write in your Blog, but it would be a long way to meet up for dinner… Wish I could help, but this is one place where I am powerless.

  14. bejeweled

    I have had the itch to move to Chicago for a long time but have been too chicken to make the move. Be the brave one Velvet! Make us all see there’s a whole country waiting for our arrival!

  15. Sandra Dee

    I think this sounds like a fab idea. Just pick up and start fresh somewhere else. Good for you.

    P.S. You need you a good souuuuthern boy. You know. Like the ones from Phoenix. 🙂

  16. Dan

    I’m heading back home to Connecticut before to much longer, as I’m feeling the same way about NYC. You should too!

  17. KassyK

    You know I feel you on this…I love DC…in reality there are amazing perks to this city but the bad is starting to outweigh the good lately. I’m thinking more a long the lines of Europe. Wanna move to Seville or Tel Aviv w/me? Delish men and
    beautiful scenery…C’MON!!

    Besides the fact that like I always have said and always will…this city is FILLED with bitter nerds.

  18. Velvet

    Flawless – Oh, I don’t love D.C. I used to, but not anymore, hence the “I am no longer in love with you” letter.

    Aziz – Pittsburgh? PITTSBURGH? AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you on crack?

    DCOE – Everytime a biker gets hit by a car, I have to wonder what he was doing when the accident happened, cause I just don’t always think it’s the driver’s fault.

    MappyB – I’m thinking about it. Seriously.

    Barbara – The list is more tongue in cheek. Well, most of it. A lot of what is on the list does burn me to no end. I’m not sure if time away would make it better, or worse. I used to travel and LOVE coming back. Now, ick. I hope my plane finds another airport and lands there instead.

    Bejeweled – I hear Chicago is a great city. Though, the wind. Ugh.

    SandraDee – Yeah, I’m giving it more serious thought than ever before.

    Dan – I guess it depends where in CT you are from. I just could never move back to where my parents are from. They said something yesterday about going to Stew Leonard’s and oh. It gave me the shakes. All those assholes in there pushing each other out of the way.

    KK – I don’t want to quarantine my dogs though. It’s all about Thora and Sammy.

  19. Stef

    Hey – I agree with Sharkie, you need to do what’s best. I’ve been in your boat before, of no longer feeling that a city’s right for me. (Actually, it was Pittsburgh – which will always have a soft spot in my heart so I don’t like to see it mocked, but after 5 years I was ready to leave.) Being able to just hold your breath and jump in moving to a new city is really invigorating and refreshing. If you do it, good luck! But I hope that the work situation turns out okay, cuz that doesn’t sound like a fun situation to be in.

  20. notcarrie

    You can’t leave until we hang out!

  21. serena

    I’ve been working on my DC exit strategy for a few months. Fortunately, I’m slow and indecisive, so I’ll probably be here for years.

  22. Martin


    I’m in favor of every one of your party planks except #2, for obvious reasons. 🙂

    It really saddens me to see you becoming so angry and bitter, and I’m particularly worried for you in light of the collapse of the homebuilding industry (which, as you know, I’ve been following at length in all its sordid bloodletting glory).

    D.C. is not for everyone. You need to go where you’ll be happy, and you can make the life for yourself that you want. If you can’t do that here–and I know you’ve tried–you should go elsewhere. It’s a big world out there, and a lot of life to live.

    I will say that I agree with Barbara on the small town point. Having spent all of my adult life living in cities, I can’t imagine moving to some hicksville where there’s nothing to do and everyone knows your business. I can’t see that for you either.

    If you end up going to Phoenix, let me know–I have a very good friend out there who really could stand to meet some intelligent, attractive, single women. 😉

  23. Mel

    Eeek – layoffs? That word truly scares me more than maybe clowns.

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed, but I know if you do get laid off, you’ll be moving and that will make you happy.

  24. Matt

    Thanks for #11. This is beyond a pet peeve — it’s an important safety issue. Idiot drivers needlessly gabbing on cell phones, and worse, violating the no-hand-held-phone law, should be tied up and left in your Dupont alleyways during the hot summer, the last night before garbage pickup, to be gnawed on by giant rats. I’d settle for them being ticketed.
    P.S. sorry I didn’t get to meet you at the last blogger get-together in Adams Morgan, my first. I spent much of the evening at the bar in unintentional rudeness.

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