Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Still Belong, So Don’t Get Me Wrong – Variety Hour Revamped; #3

Just a random post about my yesterday.

My boss brought his two kids in to work. They spent the day playing a video game online. When I popped my head in to say bye, I asked him if the video game was accessed online or if it was running off a disc. Let’s switch to convo mode.

Boss: It’s online.
Velvet: So they have been playing games all day on the internet? Corporate is going to think we are fucking around up here.
Boss: Oops.
Velvet: Well, they will know one of us is playing video games and another ordered a new toy on Mojo Garden. Well, actually, I just added it to my shopping cart, I didn’t want to actually send the credit card info from here.
Boss: Another one? What happened to the last one you bought?
Velvet: I broke it.
Boss: Isn’t this like the third one? What do you do to those things?
Velvet: I don’t know. It’s good to keep a supply though. Drawer next to one side of the bed – vibes that work. When they break, they move to the other side of the bed and go in the other nightstand. That’s the Vibrator Graveyard.
Boss: Why do you keep them?
Velvet: What am I going to do with them? Toss them in the trash with my junk mail so someone diving in the trash can find out my address AND know that I just broke a vibrator? Besides, they’ve served me well. I don’t want to throw them out.
Boss: It’s fun being you, isn’t it?
Velvet: Well. Yes.

Last night I left some of my toys over at Sherlock’s house. In the act of stockpiling vibrators all over town, I like to think that I’m well prepared in case of nuclear war or terrorist attack. Don’t laugh bitches, when something happens here again, cause it will, I’ll be the one with safe houses all over the neighborhood. So don’t come crying to me.


I am sad to inform you all that I am ill. Very very ill. I have something they call the Stockholm Syndrome. In short, the Stockholm Syndrome is where a kidnap victim starts to identify with their kidnappers. In Sherlock’s stalking of me, I somehow embraced it because I learned to stalk back. Witness:

Sherlock: So I was reading your blog today and I saw the comment where so-and-so said blah-blah. (You know “so-and-so” was one of you commenters, right?)
Velvet: Yeah, I saw you on there a bunch of times. Every time I saw you on I figured I would get a return email from you on our email volley.
Sherlock: Wait, so you are checking up on me to see when I’m online, then you are waiting for me to write back? Are you reverse stalking me?
Velvet: Huh.

Stupid tables turning.


In other Sherlock news, cause yanno, that’s all my life has been this week, he had a fanfuckingtastic idea. He said, “I have a way for you to get your anonymity back, though I haven’t quite worked out all the details.” He goes on to explain that I would franchise the blog. At first I thought that we would have “Velvet-in’s” all over the country. Ideas:

Velvet in Phoenix
Velvet in Miami
Velvet in The Big Apple
Velvet in Sing-Sing

But he said that no, he meant we would find a replacement Velvet. Essentially, I would take the show on the road, searching for a replacement in an excrutiating interview process. I’m imagining it like an American Idol tryout, only way less people. I thought this was hilariously hilarious. He had all these ideas for questions too:

Describe your worst date ever.
When was your last boyfriend?
How did you break up with the last boyfriend?
What’s the worst thing you’ve done to a man in the last 6 months?

Oh…..the questions. Can you imagine the stories women across the country could tell about dating? Then the replacement is selected and I bow out.

It’s a funny thought, but, I do realize that my bitter snark toward dating and life in general has been cultivated through years of bad dates, a couple shitty friends, a car that spends more time in the shop than it should, crazy Greek parents, living with a man for six years in the south, snorting sordid snorts and powders, having two dogs capable of doing geometry, being sexually harassed at my last job, owning more porn and vibrators than Jenna Jameson, hating cops, and getting thrown out of a strip bar. I’m not sure there really is a replacement for all that. I am my own train wreck. And I do kind of like that.

But just in case you’re wondering who I think could really date the entire population of D.C. and rip them to shreds a la Velvet, it’s Diet Coke of Evil.


Finally, I slept over Sherlock’s house last night.


  1. Wicked H

    See there, never a dull moment. Glad things are moving along in the direction of your choosing.

  2. Kathryn

    You are totally gonna be the Dread Pirate Roberts of dating/sex blogging. New one every seven years… or two years.

  3. freckledk

    I would love to be a fly on the wall for the Orientation.

  4. JohnnyDC

    I slept over at Briana Banks house last night.
    Not much sleeping.

    Okay, not really.

    But it might happen!!

  5. homeimprovementninja

    So let me get this straight, you keep the old, dead vibrators around for sentimental value?

  6. Velvet

    Thanks Wicked H!

    Kathryn – I had to look that reference up. Haven’t seen the Princess Bride. But I did find this:

    FreckledK – What? You wouldn’t be on the judging committee? Come on, it’d be fun!

    JohnnyDC – HA!

    Ninja – Why, do you want them? Your home improvement projects can take on a whole new life. Think of the possibilities. Like refurbished cell phones!

  7. KassyK

    Nope, you cannot leave. There is no Velvet replacement…c’mon now!! I have an old vibrator drawer as well…how hilarious.

  8. Upper Middle Class Black Woman

    UMCBW forgiven you for your inate racism because you blog is SO DAMN AWESOME.

    I still don’t get why you people keep these blogs and then want to take them private. It’s a contridiction. And very selfish.

  9. freckledk

    I would TOTALLY be on that committee. Are you kidding me — try and keep me from it!

    I don’t have a drawer. Don’t need one. I’ve three magic words for you:


    It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. Let’s just say that my cheeks are ALWAYS rosy.

  10. Siryn

    If you smash the old ones to eeeny meenie pieces, I think you’d be safe from the garbage thieves.

  11. Rachel

    What do you do with the vibes that you didn’t like? I hope you don’t donate them to Goodwill or something.
    Instead of franchising it out,maybe you could ask for women to email you their worst dating experiences and post some of them when you want a break.

  12. Old Lady

    The image of you placing back-up vibrators here & there about town is truly funny. I had to laugh.

  13. Needtsza

    Sounds like some women around time are in need a good ole fashion ‘deep dickin’ (not to be crude;)

    Vibrators all over town, talking to your boss (who I have to guess is a woman?) about them,…..oh Velvet, there could never be a replacement. LOL!!

  14. Needtsza

    Meanwhile, owning more porn than Jenna….why waste the money on porn when the internet has Tons of free shit?

  15. Velvet

    KK – You are my semi-clone.

    UMCBW – Huh. I deleted your last comment because we don’t tolerate things as vicious as what you wrote around here. However, that said, you may be interested to know that yes, I am white, however… however. However! SEVERAL OF THE MEN YOU HAVE READ ABOUT HERE WHO I HAVE DATED HAVE BEEN BLACK. Sort of hard to call me a racist when I’m the U.N. of the dating world. Again, my only requirement remains at the top: If my dogs don’t like you, I can’t date you. That said, glad you’re back. But I can’t and won’t apologize for your mistaking my intuition as racism. Now, why do we have blogs then take them private? Well, over a year ago when I started, I had 2 readers. Now I have 500 times that. I get creepy emails about weekly now. It gets scary.

    FreckledK – Huh? HUH? I must look into that.

    Siryn – I could never smash something into pieces that has brought me so much pleasure.

    Rachel – The ones I don’t like also stay in the drawer. As a matter of fact, I had Flippy the Dolphin in retirement and Sherlock rescued him for me, by well, removing the “dolphin” mold and leaving behind the much treasured bullet.

    Old Lady – What? Like you’ve never done it.

    Needtsza – Um, my boss is male. Everyone thinks there’s something going on, but I can guarantee that there is not. And um, I lost two perfectly good computers to internet porn. I’ll never do that again. Though I can’t part with “One Night in Paris.” To this day that remains the only porn on my home computer.

  16. imstilldreaming

    I’d like to hear the story about getting thrown out of a strip bar. 🙂 I’ve gotten wild in those places, but I’ve never been tossed out!

  17. Velvet

    Okay. I’ll write it up this weekend. And get the pictures loaded…

  18. Luck O' the Irish

    You can always stockpile the defunct ones near the police cruisers and the donut shops :o) It will be like your secret squirrel calling card! Or the Dread Pirate Roberts. Whichever.

  19. Siryn

    You could secretly throw them out with fast food boxes in public receptacles. Imagine the surprise of the guy who sifts through the trash to find a vibrator in a Wendy’s bag!

  20. cosmic shambles

    “Finally, I slept over Sherlocks house last night.”

    Is that code for “Showed him how to use a vibrator on me”?

  21. Drunken Chud

    velvet, i simply love the fact that your definition of a safe house is: one that has my vibes in it. hehehehehehe. HOT!

  22. Scarlet

    A vibrating safe house…I love it!

  23. cosmic shambles

    A vibrator drawer? I would have figured you to have a vibrator room!

  24. Old Lady

    Here’s the God’s honest truth, I have never owned or used a vibrator.

  25. Big Tone

    Maybe you can put the used ones in newspaper like you did with the hamster droppings. Now that would be an interesting wakeup present.

  26. DCOE

    Firstly – congrats on making the big jump to the sleepover, I know that shit freaks you out.

    Secondly – I am honored that you think I am the only one who could adequately follow in your footsteps. I’ve already thought about making out with many many men since I’ve been dumped, I think I’m about to become a force to be reckoned with.

  27. teo

    from my albeit short experience as Max Load in the porn industry where I never EVER had to take off my clothes. Pretty much every starlet and producer/director has used, and highly recommends the Hitachi. They outlast the rabbit by yeargasms.

  28. barbara

    Before we know it, Sherlock is going to be guest posting and maybe this will just become a mom & pop operation. Can you imagine a flock of little Velvet-Sherlocks with discarded vibrators as pacifiers who run around stalking the neighborhood kids when they are not watching porn flicks? You sound so HAPPY! I love it!

  29. kokonutz

    Somehow, barbara, I don’t find your vision terribly prescient…

  30. Asian Mistress

    You slept over? Ohhhh 🙂

    Also, I love “the worst thing you’ve done to a man the last 6 months”….that’s just asking for something offensive. Hahaha.

  31. Stef

    Your homeland security plan of safehouses across the city DID have me totally cracking up! Alas, I have done no emergency planning like that myself. Must get on that, pronto! 🙂

  32. Rosie

    Just wanted to drop a line, since I know you worry about creepy people, saying that your new stalker from Taiwan is me, since you probably wouldn’t recognise the IP addy. I live here now. Bored of London.

  33. playfulindc

    I wish I could get an honest answer about how men feel about vibrators. I understand that what they don’t know…well, you know…but what about “while” or “during”?

  34. Drunken Chud

    playful, i have bought girlfriends vibrators. i usually like to keep them stocked up on vibes. using them during is fine by me, some of the vibration transfers to me too, and that’s a martha stewart “good thing”. and when i’m not there? that’s why i bought the extra packs of batteries for her. i can’t be there to tend to her needs 100% of the time. hell, if her needs are anything like mine, i can’t be there 50% of the time. so, she uses it. i come over that night, and she’s already burned through an entire pack of batteries and tells me a lie that she was thinking of me the whole time, bam! i’m in ready to go, let’s do this thing. even though, deep down, i know it was the vin diesel poster on the wall that she always manages to be facing while we’re having sex, that she was truly thinking about. but, she was sweet enough to lie, i’m not gonna be a dick and call her out. heh.

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