Is there something wrong with the fact that earlier tonight, I was on the phone with Sherlock discussing what movies would be best to order off Excalibur Films, finding myself saying, “Well, years ago, anal and girl on girl were considered fetish, but now that stuff is in pretty much every movie you would buy…make sure you get something newer because full bush and no implants really piss me off now. Oh, shoot. I have to go, I have a date.” But okay, as bad as that is, is it worse that I had my date with TheConsultant and saw CL#3TextTormenter across the fucking bar? You remember CL#3TextTormenter, the spitting image of a drunken Kennedy. I know, is there really any other kind of Kennedy? Prior to dating me, he also dated Kathryn and attempted to get a little Cookie. Hot as we are, his claim to fame seems to be having dated Miss Delaware. I’m off on a tangent. The point to this paragraph was really to show that I’m a porn loving whore with no conscience for the fact that buying porn online with Sherlock, who adores me, then telling him in the same breath that I’m going out with someone else is mean, and that my past dates continue to reappear while I’m on new dates because this city is too small. Yeah. Run on sentence motherfucker. Read it and weep…literally.
I know, you want to know how I ended up on the phone with Sherlock. I called him Monday night after the debacle. Look, he reads this blog and a wee few of you are very critical (and some of you are Judgie McJudgie Poo’s) so I’m just not going to get into the specifics of our conversation. Basically it was the type of conversation each of you have had when you are trying to make those decisions about if the person we are talking to is someone we want to be with. It’s the deep, “long term outlook for the two of us” stuff. I won’t bother writing it because there were some incredibly sweet words exchanged that will get ripped to shreds by a couple of you who seem to forget that I’m like, a person under here with a heart. Frankly, I know Sherlock and I have both made our mistakes, but I just can’t sit by and put him in a position to get roasted on this blog when we may have a future together. I’ve put you guys and your entertainment first for a long time, but now, I have to remember what I’ve always said: I will never let the blog stand in the way of a good relationship. Is it good with Sherlock and I? Time will tell. The jury is still out.
That said, what can I tell you? That in addition to talking Monday, he came over on Tuesday and we watched a movie. He said he’s not going to see anyone else until we resolve what we’re doing. I said, “I can’t make the same promise.” I’m sorry, I just can’t. I have a really really exceptionally hard time trusting people. I let my guard down this weekend and Monday it got crushed. So the guard is back up. It’s not conscious, I just notice that my skin is thicker now. I need to figure out if he can get back in, and I just don’t know the answer yet. I’m not stringing him along, so please don’t bother accusing me of that.
In other news, I’ve received an email from a reader I’ve never heard from before – either via comments or email. His name was somewhat familiar. His original email asked me to get a drink with him. I replied asking if he was a blogger. He said, “No. I was never a blogger.” Unfortunately that is a big fat lie. I hate lies. I replied, stating the name of the now defunct blog, and he said if I meet him for a drink he’ll explain. Hmm. So, you lied to me for some reason, and you’re using the reason for your lie as bait to get me to go out with you? I go out with people on MY TERMS, not yours. I decided to just not answer this email, but another one came, instructing me to meet him at a bar tonight at a certain time, with his phone number in the email. Since I was on a date with TheConsultant, and staring ex-date CL#3 in the face at a bar in Clarendon, all the while wondering what porn Sherlock had ordered, I was unable to physically or mentally make it for this date. So sorry. Try commenting some time though. Then at least I’d have a frame of reference for who you are, and I may have agreed to go out with you.
Continuing in the My Life Sucks vein, I am going to tell you straight out that blogging and being “public” is scaring the shit out of me. The disturbing emails have picked up again and I can never tell how harmless someone may be from this side of a screen. I forwarded an email I received to Sherlock and he was like, “I had no idea you dealt with this kind of stuff.” I’m sorry to have to inform those of you who read, don’t comment, then email me thinking we have some sort of rapport, we don’t. Without comments or a reference to your own blog, I don’t even have a glimpse of you. I understand that I pour my heart out here and you feel as if you know me. But, I don’t know you. Sherlock is going through a bit of this now, realizing that he’s read a lot and not heard it from me, and that’s partially to blame for him being in the fast lane – he already knows me. I’m realizing, sadly, that some of the email relationships I’ve participated in are not healthy. I give my all to this blog. I am going to continue giving my all to this blog until the day I wake up and decide it’s over. Don’t worry. It’s not soon. I’ve got a lot left in me that has yet to hit the keyboard.