Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’m Hot Just Like an Oven, I Need Some Lovin’

Due to a prior commitment, new man had to be out of town this weekend. (I am hoping to come up with a name for him soon by the way.) He managed to change his flight so he could get home early to see me. Yay!

After juggling various things we needed to get accomplished, we went to look at a few open houses. Real estate, in case you’ve been in a coma, is tanking pretty hard. And in case you believe the sunshine and lollipops news you hear that it’s only “a temporary price correction” well, then I’ve got a few bridges to sell you. Take it from an insider. The folks at Greenspan and Company have assfucked our ENTIRE ECONOMY, sans lube. Let’s do a little simple math. Real estate prices rising at 20% a year in some places for the last 5 years, give or take. Incomes rising at 4% a year, say, on average. Personal savings rates are at a NEGATIVE percentage rate, meaning, most of us have more debt than cash. Um, where and how exactly did they think prices would keep going up and up and up? Lucky I bought on the high end. Great. Except, that, oh yeah, I could rent my place and probably break even with mortgage and condo fees. Okay. Disaster averted. For me anyway. Sorry for everyone else who will be filing the big B. (psst. Bankruptcy.)

So, new boy and I, deciding that now might be a time to start looking so as to seize a great deal when we see one (not together, just generally speaking here,) we decided to do some Sunday house hunting for fun. When I say “we,” I really mean, I. But he got along with the idea once we started to see some pretty awesome places.

PN Hoffman, a D.C. urban developer, does probably the best job in town of building a residence. Two years ago, it was “no brokers, no investors, bring 10% cash to contract.” Now, they be having a wee bit of trouble. I think even Sammy and Thora could qualify for a loan. Since I’m in the industry, and a big admirer of their work, we went to see the Alta at Thomas Circle. (If you really want to look around on that website and don’t want to register, just put in password ‘pnh’ and it will let you in.) There are a few units left in this building for sale. New boy and I went to see five of them. While people were oohing and aahing over the higher floor condos, new boy and I were in unit 411 having sex.

Again, for the people who skimmed that paragraph and didn’t read the last sentence: While people were oohing and aahing over the higher floor condos, new boy and I were in unit 411 having sex.

Now that everyone is up to speed, how did we do this you ask? It’s a legitimate question. I’ll explain. Check this floorplan:


Okay. I was standing in what would be the bedroom, there on the left. See where the bed is? I was leaning against the wall. The new boy was behind me. Well, wait. First we started with a blowjob, then we moved on to regular doggie style sex…Oh! You want to know logistically how we pulled this off? Easy. The hallway floors are still covered in plastic, making it simple to hear anyone coming. We were at the end of a long hall, and except for the remote chance someone from a nearby unit would decide to get off their couch and come check out the unit next door / across the hall that’s been for sale for freaking ever, well, there you go. I had to call my best gay friend and tell him. He said, “Oh my God, I think you met your match.” Huh. Someone JUST said that to me.

My undies continued to be a sloppy wet until we made it home, safe in the confines of a place where we could only be heard, but not seen, and we hit a couple homeruns. Woo hoo. I needed that. It’s been a while. Well, okay. A week.

Happy Monday Lovers!


  1. cosmic shambles

    I think I just spooged in my pants.

  2. Drunken Chud

    i have a hard on from reading that. thank you.

  3. Asian Mistress

    Now I’m even more jealous…that’s hot.. Don’t know if I could have pulled it off though….heh

  4. Law-Rah

    I see you have moved from discrete emails about such encounters to blasting it on the internets. Dear Lawd! Good morning;-)

  5. PRSlaveDC

    Not fair that story is the first thing I have to read on a Monday morning at work… very jealous…

  6. Dan

    I can only think of one thing to call this fellow… Lucky.


  7. circumlocutor

    You are terrific!

  8. Ryane

    I think you could sell more PN Hoffman condos w/that story than any amount of marketing on their part.


  9. upstairsneighbor

    while that is awesome… i agree with PRSlaveDC, not fair that this was the first thing i read on monday morning… you need a disclaimer or something…

  10. Needtsza

    to think I was gonna ask how the boy was. Thank you for the Monday porn report. I won’t be standing for a few minutes. 😉

  11. Living in Dupont

    Oh wow… Happy Monday… bit on the speechless side at this point. And of course, four minutes before the staff meeting. *hatred*

    No, *adoration*

  12. KassyK

    Good lord woman, I need some of that.

  13. elvis

    Is this guy’s name Ted Williams? He keeps hitting them out of the ballpark, with real wood. For the record, a Harley, and demo condo unit. What’s next? Test drive a new Shelby GT? I hear the front seats go way back.

  14. Tyler

    Wow…. I echo the comments of everyone above!

  15. minijonb

    For the rest of my life, whenever I see a floorplan of a condo, I’ll think of this post and get a little hot.

    Velvet, thank you. You rock =:-)

  16. playfulindc

    Forget your starbucks, folks. Velvet is the answer.

  17. Kiki

    If only those good folks over at P.N. Hoffman knew… 😉

  18. Serena

    You must email me the name of that biker bar ; )

  19. Stef

    Wow, you’re kinda my hero. Thank you for letting us live vicariously! 🙂

  20. ashburnite

    wow….I’m impressed. I wish I could be that daring! And congrats on the new man- he sounds great.

  21. NR

    You freaky little minx.

    What every you call this boy, it should reflect his propensity to fuck you pretty much everywhere. First the motorcycle, now an empty condo, where to next? A hospital? Super Sexy. Maybe a mausoleum? That would be bonerific.

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