Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

We Are Fam-uh-leeeee

Couple things. First, it’s THE CITY SPARKLE / VIRGLE KENT BIRTHDAY WEEK! Friday there are major celebrations planned. I’m making room in my stomach now for alcohol and vomit. Cause I think there will be both.

So, remember the whole stopping posting stuff of a few weeks back? Rough waters in all facets of life continue. Work is like, well, a knife throwing contest. Everyone is trying to save their jobs in this horrifying housing bubble. I showed up in one of our divisions last week and holy fucking hell, it was so cold in there it was like it was snowing in that damn place. ONE person talked to me. ONE. My boss called and I walked out into the parking lot to tell him something I heard, and he said, “How is it there?” I said, “Except for the one person asking about Speedracer, um, no one is speaking to me.” He laughed and said, “Fuck ’em.” Huh. Then I went to another division to have my hard drive rebuilt, and when I took the IT person out to lunch, everyone was texting her asking who “that lady was.” You know, for an instant, I said, “Dude. What lady?” She said, “YOU!” I’m many things, but I am NO LADY.

Please oh please let this awful market be over with so we can hire people who like my department again. Please!

Anyway, toss a few more things in that pile of shit above, and I swear to god, I need someone to roll me a joint and get me so stoned that I don’t know what fucking day it is. Anyone? Please??? I’ll be your best friend!

So, I did something the other night I have not done…well, ever. I had to call in the big guns to help me sort something out.

Velvet: Hi, Dad, can I talk to Mom?
Dad: Uh, yeah. Hold on.
Click! (So typical in a house overrun with electronics -they are now confused by cordless phones but damn if they don’t have the DVD player running errands for them.)
Velvet: Hello?
Mom: Wait, she’s here she’s here.
Velvet: Damn. I was like ‘these motherfuckers hung up on me.’ (Yes, I said motherfuckers. Do you think the foul mouth I have here doesn’t carry over into the rest of my life? I don’t censor nothing for no one. And my mom laughed anyway.)
Mom: What’s up?
Velvet: I’m going to ask you something I’ve never asked you before, so brace yourself…

And there you go. Big Guns. It’s funny that I have this blog, and rarely do my parents hop on here. Even my brother stays away, which is pretty good for the most part. So that’s why a post or two is missing. I really don’t tell my parents things unless I need their honest, expert, judgmental but rarely wrong opinion. Usually they just worry, and there’s no need for that unnecessarily.

Sometimes it sucks to have to call home because you need something that you can’t get elsewhere. There’s something about the Mommy-stamp of approval, or the Mommy-rejection letter that helps me sort it out. I’m still brooding. But I will say this, we’re lucky that there’s a ban on owning a gun in D.C. Because this would be the week I would have bought one. And I would have emptied the chamber. Possibly twice. Into the same person.


  1. JohnnyDC

    Leave the gun emptying to the cops, Velvet.

    Also the donut eating.

  2. freckledk

    I’m not really a smoker, but can I join you? It’s either that or a pint of Jack and some HMW time….anything to help me RELAX.

  3. Dara

    You’re not the only one who calls her mom when she’s trying to work something major out. Although lately, I get both parents on the phone at the same time, and then they just bicker. And I often get pottymouthed on the phone with them, too. (But they think it’s very funny, since the pottymouthed apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.)

  4. QueenofPreen

    First of all, your comment on my xanga had me rolling. Secondly, “I’m making room in my stomach now for alcohol and vomit. Cause I think there will be both.” had me cracking up as well. Oh Velvet, you are my sunshine! (I mean that in a non lesbian way of course) haha. Really, your blog should have a two drink minimum. You are too funny. Teach me :-p

  5. playfulindc

    Mom’s advice on guns. Interesting…

  6. Living in Dupont

    Wow, sounds like one helluva a week all ready. I feel your pain. It’s almost as if all of the DC workforce is ready to implode, of course, that snooty city government with their pesky gun rules…

  7. Needtsza

    Now I wanna know what you asked your mom about? =)

    Happy Birthday to all that celebrate this week, if I don’t get around to later…as I’m heading to NY on Friday. (thank god, I’ll be outta this city for a few days)

    and you’re not the only one who blattenly curses with their parents. The funny thing, my father cares and my mom isn’t fazed.

    Love it. Thanks for letting me relate

  8. irish_red

    I’m picturing a ‘Chicago-Esque’ scenario ala Renee Zellwiger and Catherine Zeta Jones 1920s style 🙂 Bang! Bang!

  9. Sandra Dee

    Oooh. I like the Chicago theme. Good idea.

    And did somebody say donuts? Mmmm…

  10. KassyK

    I cannot wait to see you this weekend (I have the parents in town and I am so excited-SEMI CLONES!!). We do both need a big puff of a lovely reefer.

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this crap. Seriously–shit is going to go down…soon. 😉

  11. circumlocutor

    My job is really sucking these days as well. Some how I went from having a healthy budget at work to today–because the nutcase who orders supplies is, well, a nutcase–having an altercation over ordering a 50 cent folders. Yeah, and the alcoholic in the office across the hall from me keeps closing her door and taking extended naps in her office. What’s my point? Well, there isn’t one, but if you find that joint, let me know.

  12. Reya Mellicker

    Fall is a great time to get stoned and let go of all the usual crap. Wish I could join you, too.

    Sorry about your job. Hope you got some great advice from your mother. As for the gun, please holster your weapons! OK?

  13. Needtsza

    Reefer? Can somebody hook me up with some of that, btw?

    Kass, you gotta have a hook up. Hook it up!

    Happy Birthday all….again

  14. kokonutz

    Pass the kutchie (NOT Dutchie) on the left hand side!

  15. Asian Mistress

    Holla cause it’s gonna be craaaaazy!!!!

  16. Moxie

    Found you via El Guapo. Reading your blog makes me miss DC so bad…but not bad enough to move back yet.

    In my office on the Left Coast we’re having our share of corporate drama as well. People leaving because they are “pursuing personal interests”, people finally getting busted for being incompetent assholes, you name it.
    Oh, to be independently wealthy…

  17. Notcarrie

    Yeah, my entire company went under. Thank goodness I already had another job.

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