In light of this article on the front of Thursday’s post, I’m posting another ode to the motherfuckers we call D.C.’s – whatever.
Thursday night. 11 p.m. The weekend has begun here in Dupont Circle. Let’s see what we’ve got going on…
Hmm. A metro P.D. car is blocking traffic on what we are now all calling the “17th Street Corridor.” Well, shit, if it’s a corridor, that must mean it’s a major thoroughfare, right? On closer inspection, I realize the car is empty and the engine is off. They must be solving a major crime, right? I mean, why would you double park your car , blocking one good lane of a two lane “corridor” when there are plenty of illegal places to park beyond zone signs and whatnot, that wouldn’t be in the way. I mean, come on. It’s not like you’re going to get a ticket.
Hmm. Wonder where they are?
Oh…I’m shocked. Really? In 7-11?
Reading the paper. Wow. There must be a criminal hiding in the metro section. Yep, you might “never see them in uniform eating a donut” but pretty much all the rest of the cliche’s (sleeping, gossiping, reading the paper) are up for grabs.
Hahaha. I bet they regret the day they pissed you off:-)
Good Christ. If you were a superhero, you would be a total lazy cop-busting badass. Maybe you could shoot jelly donut filling out of your index finger and render those bad eggs catatonic.
How many of DC’s finest are now your readers? They are never going to answer a 911 call from you!
–sigh–
The teller changes, but the stories remain the same.
Cops are here to protect? no
Serve? no
WTF ARE They here for?
It’s funny how they complain that they are underappreciated and underpaid. If I could get paid to sit around and read newspapers and threaten to arrest anyone who bugged me, that would be a pretty sweet gig. Of course, I would need a lobotomy to get into the police academy, so there you go.
Dont forget the crazy dude who ran into congress and made it through four floors evading the cops before being tackled by…
a staffer.
Can you imagine running out to the curb so you can get in your car because (a) you just sliced your finger off and need to get the emergency room or (b) you just learned your friend was stranded in Anacostia and you need to rescue her or (c) you just found out they slashed prices at Neimans and those Tod’s you’ve been eyeing are 75% off and no matter how hard you try you can’t go anywhere because some silly cop has decided to double park so he can catch up on the Style Section while sipping a Big Gulp?
I don’t know whether I should be disappointed that I don’t see this stuff here in West Michigan or relieved.
I used to work at a convenience store/sub shop in my teens. I worked the overnight shift and from 2:30 -5:30 every morning we had a cop convention. Coffee, subs and newspapers.
The only time they got off they butts was when they got a radio call. Other than that, I could hear their spare tires expanding at an alarming rate.
Kinda cheeky to block traffic that way. Start using the pay phone, if there is one, and call the car numbers in.
This week was fire safety week at my college, and we had 100’s of kids bussed in to see the firemen put on a show. See, if cops were as cool as firemen, this would never be an issue. You never see a firetruck double parked to get coffee.
If DC became a state, as the DC administration wants, then this problem would be resolved because they could… raise taxes and give cops more overtime to race through DC at high speeds for nothing(???)
Hilarious post. I just found your blog. Best tagline ever. I’ll be back.