The Queen of Quantity said I was on fire last week. I’d been shooting off one liners faster than Dane Cook would have on the Titanic. I’d share, but, for them to make any sense, I would have to trot a long way in background for the punchline. It’s too hard. Just know that I’ve outlined a game plan for her on a chalkboard she made in her house. (Fucking Martha Stewart wannabe without the jail time.) I like that chalkboard. I could use one next to my
Anyway, in an effort to fully utilize the creative genius spilling out of my body, I’ve decided to create a quiz for you. I don’t know why really. Okay, I know why. In an email exchange with Barbara, I put in one of these quiz questions and then answered it for myself.
Let’s call it the “Would I Want to Be Friends With Velvet?” Quiz. The first question actually happened to a friend of mine – one of my all time favorite “if I was stranded on an island I’d want you there with me” kind of people. But I made the rest up, I swear. Okay, let’s go.
1) You are partying in Georgetown. Two friends in town from Boston, both of the opposite sex, (if you are gay, these people are both the same sex as you) befriend you. After several drinks on their tab, they offer you a ride home. In the car, one of the two begins to hit on you. It is obvious that the other person is also interested in you, and becomes irritated at their friend. They have a fight and stop the car and demand you get out of the car. Telling you they can’t give you a ride any further and leaving you in the middle of no where, they want directions to their hotel. You:
a) Give them directions to their hotel and walk home shaking your head. Fucking tourists.
b) Convince them to let you stay in the car until you get them to their hotel where you know you can get a cab.
c) Give them the wrong directions sending them straight into the ghetto out of spite, and fend for yourself on the ride home.
2) Your house is on fire. You have two children. You can save only two things, what are they?
a) Your two children.
b) One child (whichever is closer) and your narcotics.
c) Your Gucci purse (with the drugs in them) and a picture of both kids.
3) If you could only listen to one music act for the rest of your life and it had to be from this list, you would pick:
a) Tim McGraw
b) Carrie Underwood
d) Blues Traveler
e) John Mayer
f) The Killers
4) Your favorite swear from this list is:
b) Motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch
d) Gosh Darn it
5) The character you most resemble from Sex and the City is:
f) None of the above
6) How many times have you left one or more undergarments at the home of a one night stand, just so you could get the hell out of there?
a) Never, your undergarments are too nice to be left behind.
b) Never, your undergarments are too holey to be left behind.
c) Once, when (s)he fell asleep on it and you didn’t want to wake the beast.
d) Undergarments? What are those?
e) Every weekend bitch. Every weekend. I’m in the double digit loss-o-meter.
7) Your best friend is:
a) Your sorority sister / frat brother from Freshman year. Hey man, we “rushed” together!
b) Your pet.
c) Your right hand / the Hitachi Magic Wand is also acceptable here.
8) You have had sex in the following locations. Check all that apply.
a) Airplane at 30,000 feet.
b) On a nude beach in broad daylight.
c) At work, in someone’s office, during the prime business hour of 10:30 a.m.
d) In the bed of his/her ex. For revenge.
e) At the end of a very crowded pier at dusk.
f) On a motorcycle.
g) In a model apartment.
h) In a swimming pool of an apartment complex.
9) In the next Presidential Election you will vote for:
a) Rudy Giuliani
b) Rudy Giuliani
c) Rudy Giuliani
Add up the points for your answers.
1) a: 0; b: 5; c: 10
2) a: 0; b: 5; c: 10
3) a: 2; b: 0; c: 10; d: 0; e: 0; f: 8
4) a: 5; b: 10; c: 1; d: 0
5) a: 0; b: 0; c: 0; d: 0; e: 0; f: 10
6) a: 5; b: 2; c: 0; d: 4; e: 0
7) a: 0; b: 5 – unless your pets are Sammy and Thora, then you get 15 points; c: 10
8) 5 points for every item you checked.
9) 5 points for any answer.
0-25: Hurry! Breathe in a mirror and tell me if there’s fog on it! You are so boring you may as well be dead.
26-50: Why the hell did you have to pick the Blues Traveler? Come on! It’s your own fault. I can’t help you if you can’t at least try to help yourself you know.
51-80: You have some signs of promise. Continue your debauchery and check back with me in a couple months. A strict diet of alcohol, drugs, thievery and loving New York City and everything it stands for should get you on the right track.
81-100: Ooh. We should be friends. There are a couple things I may have to slap you around for, but all in all, this is a great effort.
101 + We should be best friends. What? We aren’t? What are you doing this weekend? I must hang out with you.
My Answers & the “Logic” Behind Them:
1 – C. Look, you HAVE to send tourists into the ghetto. Especially if they are assholes.
2 – C. Come on. You didn’t say that my dogs were in the house. It was kids. You can make more of those. Besides, mine will probably be brats who set the fire in the first place.
3 – C – Metallica. Obey! Your! Master! If you can’t listen to that, at least you should have picked a Brit sounding rock from a band who are really from Vegas. If you ever or still listen to the Blues Traveler, I hate you. I hated you in college, and I hate you now.
4 – B. It’s really the only way to go. Motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch.
5 – No one I am friends with should ever compare themself to these vapid, useless characters who did nothing for feminism besides prove that every female blogger fancies herself a Carrie-writer, deserving of a book deal and all sorts of expensive shoes. No one is as stupid as Charlotte what’s her name. Samantha in real life would have burned off her CLIT and be HIV-positive. Miranda exists people. Go down to K Street right now and look up at all those lawyers in the offices that are still lit. She’s still working, and she would never get Steve because she’s too much of a bitch. Magda would have run off with the baby by now.
6 – I don’t leave the house without my bra and panties, but I can appreciate those who do, so some points there as well. If you let the beast fall asleep on something, then I have no points for you. You haven’t been paying attention here at Velvet in Dupont. The fine art of the strip is important. You act like you are casually tossing your clothes off in the heat of the moment, but make a mental map of where everything lands. And nothing should land in a place where it can’t be retrieved later.
7 – I tried to pick both B and C, but the damn scantron wouldn’t let me. So I did choose the dogs. It took a lot of thought though.
8 – Points maxed. I’ve done them all. You should too.
9 – Any answer is acceptable here, though I actually chose “A” because I was so excited at seeing the name shown there, that I chose it first. Kind of like the “OOH OOH PICK ME” kid in 2nd grade.
That’s all I got. Okay, my funnier material still resides on that chalkboard in the Queen of Quantity’s house.