Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

They Tried to Make Me Not Be Ugly But I Said NO NO NO!

I’ve never been one of the music snobs, scouring the net for the “next big thing,” talking about it on message boards and driving ridiculous distances to see some band no one has heard of. Most often the next big thing to me is boring. Give me some Metallica, Offspring, and The Cult and I’m good. When something new that everyone is talking about hits mainstream, I never jump on the bandwagon. (Harry Potter anyone?) But, I do want to know, why this person? Why did they make it big? So then I investigate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my newest case study: Amy Winehouse – The ugliest chick ever created by the music industry. Why is she famous? I know some of you like her (well, you did throw her CD at a metrobus driver) but still. Why is she famous? Didn’t this disaster prove that this chick fucking sucks? Gee, maybe if I sing like a drunken sailor on morphine who just got run over by a truck, twice, people will think I’m dark, edgy and cool.

amy winehouse 2.jpg

She didn’t used to be so ugly. By genes alone, she isn’t cute, but still. There was a time where she wasn’t the poster child for anorexics who hide bird nests in their hair. I wonder if she looked in the mirror and said, “Gee, how can I make myself uglier? Here we go. I’ll put some various household items in my bouffant to hold it up higher, then seal it off with a birds nest. When the birds come looking for a new home, I’ll let them hover around me. People will think I’m all dark, edgy and cool.”

I suppose this whole image thing had to penetrate into the rest of her life too. A typical photo shoot for Amy Winehouse:

Photog: Amy, sing like you have a cock in your mouth.
Amy: I do have a cock in my mouth!
Photog: Then, pretend the cock is bigger. Yeah…that’s right. Now, pretend his balls are in there too. No, no, hairy balls! There! THAT’S THE EXPRESSION I WANT!”



She looks dirty to me. Not good dirty. Dirty as in, “I haven’t washed my hair in two weeks, I’m wearing the same underwear from last Monday and I’m pretty overdue for some waxing” dirty. Now this chick says she just wants to quit her career and get married and have babies? Christ. First, she is really a role model, huh? Work a couple years, then get knocked up. Even Britney Spears worked longer before she let the spawn of the devil enter her coochie. Second, ugly people should not have children. (See: Nancy Grace.) But, okay, if your reproduction means that we get no more “music” from you, then, I’ll take this one for the team.

amy_winehouse married.jpg

“When I get pregnant, I’m going to carry the baby here in my head!”


  1. homeimprovementninja

    A lot of it is luck. If you get noticed, then some people will buy your records because the other sheep are doing it. Same with books. The DaVinci Code probably sold more copies than anything Hemingway’s ever written, but that doesn’t make Dan Brown a good writer (nothing could make him a good writer).

  2. Arjewtino

    It’s the Judaism. It makes us successful without trying too hard.

  3. Drunken Chud

    dear god! make the bad lady stop!

  4. JohnnyDC

    Men love skanks.

    But that might just be the beer talking.

  5. freckledk

    From what I understand, she is going to marry and have children with the man who inspired her album – and that their relationship was not good.

    **I did a spit-take at the last pic and caption.

  6. Velvet

    Gawd. That chick is so ugly. Even her tattoos are ugly, and I never think tattoos are ugly. Speaking of, I’ve got my next two lined up. Who’s coming with????? Johnny? Please????

    Ninja – the Davinci Code is selling for a penny on Amazon’s used list.

    Arjew – Your success aside, you are cute. Amy? Ugh. Not so much. And it’s not just bitchy girl-talk here, I swear. I find men who everyone loves just as ugly…hello Kurt Cobain. (Yes, I know, that one will get me shot. No pun intended.)

    Chud – Kill her!

    Johnny – SKANK is the perfect word for her. Thank you!

    FK – Of course their relationship isn’t good. She’s like 23. No relationship is good at 23 because you don’t even know who the fuck you are yet.

  7. suicide_blond

    im not sure she will live to 24….
    the girl parties prettyyyy hard…
    soo ….not to be morbid..but you prob dont really have to worry about her continued popularity…

  8. Golden Silence

    Live to 24?? She’s that young?! Yikes.

    That child looks nasty as hell.

  9. Jo

    Ok, yes she’s incredibly unattractive, drug and alcohol addict, skanky and disgusting but she does have a cool voice. To be honest, I like her just because her music is different. It’s not the same regurgitated pop mess. You gotta give her that much. I’d much prefer to listen to her than another single from Gwen Stefani.

  10. bejeweled

    Seriously, what the hell is on her head?

  11. carrie m

    I’m with Jo. She is a trainwreck in the worst way (and I thought she did marry her wannabe Pete Doherty boyfriend?), but when I was waiting for my friend at her apartment, she had the CD on and it’s not like anything else that’s on right now. The beehive, bad tats, cokehead-edness, and overall nasty is just entertainment.

    However, I did snort when I read this.

  12. jordanbaker

    I like her music–it has kind of a ’60’s Shirley Bassey type vibe to me–but I would be skeered if I ran into her at night in a dark alley.

  13. MA

    Frankly, I like her voice. But she’s on a road to “Behind the Music.” Perhaps she’s just trying to be an individual–like everybody else.

    I wonder if she wore classic 60s stuff with slightly updated hair if she wouldn’t look cooler.

    Wait, then the rest of the world wouldn’t like her. Just square old me.

  14. John

    Clearly I’m uncool. I have no idea who this is. I read the blog twice, checked all the comments, but no one used her name!

    Signed –
    Lost in the 90’s (maybe 80’s).

  15. John

    Oops. Actually, you did use her name. It just didn’t ring any bells. So clearly I’ve never heard her music before, and have no reference. I’m sooo out of touch!

  16. Bill the traveling salesman

    I have to admit … that was a pretty bad video performance. That said, I do like the ‘rehab’ song. You know, V, I just can’t help it. I like what I like.

  17. BBTY

    I am with the blonde: Her “fame” will be short lived, so save your spew for someone new (or revive that hate for some of our former nemesi).

    But honey: “Gee, maybe if I sing like a drunken sailor on morphine who just got run over by a truck, twice, people will think I’m dark, edgy and cool.” You mean you ALREADY AREN”T LIKE THAT? HA HA HA HA! I’ve seen you….and….and likewise you’ve seen me. Remember that night at DC9?

    Anyway, she’s her own fad. Don’t worry we will protect you when the bandwagon breaks down and thumbs it for a ride.

  18. I-66

    She kinda reminds me of Morticia Adams.

  19. Velvet

    SB – I wonder how she’s gonna get herself knocked up if she parties that hard.

    GS – Yeah, the picture I REALLY wanted couldn’t be saved. These people and their copyrighting issues, I swear!

    Jo – The thing about her voice though is that I think she’s faking it. I don’t think that’s her natural singing voice, I think she’s emphasizing and faking to get that sound.

    Bejeweled – Marge Simpson in real life.

    Carrie M – yeah, but the “not like anything else right now” is what they said about Norah Jones and Macy Gray and they both still disappeared into oblivion.

    JB – But she is a drugged out anorexic. You could take her with one hand tied behind your back. (Insert applicable sex joke about Jordan Baker here.)

    MA – Ugh. She makes me ill though. Like I said, even her tattoos are a mess.

    John – Trust me, I don’t think you are missing much. She’s the next Cabbage Patch Doll. She’ll hopefully be gone soon enough.

    Bill – Oh, I’m very sad for you. I want to tell you to not like what record companies tell you to like, but, meh.

    BBTY – I have no hate for our former nemesi, I find that what is happening to them is hilarity on a stick right now anyway. You don’t need a renegade to tell you someone’s an asshole, they can usually go on to prove it on their own pretty well. Tool, anyone? You know, as well as “the others.”

    I66 – That’s PERFECT! Morticia with less hair washing.

  20. Patsy

    I seriously can’t believe she’s 23. She’s a really bad 23. Girlfriend needs some water, some moisturizer, rehab, and a dentist. Not necessarily in that order.

  21. Inowpronounceyou

    Amy Winehouse is good enough…but give me the Cult singing Love Removal Machine ANY day over juuuust about anything coming out today.

    Nice call.

  22. Dara

    When I first saw her one one of the celebrity gossip blogs (probably Perez Hilton) I felt the same way — she’s disgusting looking. But the first time I heard one of her songs — before I knew it was her — I really liked it. Cognitive dissonance. So, now I have the CD, and I’ll probably watch her perform at Virgin Festival, if she shows up.

    I still think she’s hideous, but the music is good. It excuses a lot.

    However, there is no excuse for my watching Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. That’s just tragic.

  23. minijonb

    only complete train-wrecks can be pop stars these days. it’s a sad comentary on our media. still, i like listening to AW. makes me wanna holla.

  24. suicide_blond

    she will do it the same way nicole ritchie did it…by being to f-d-up to get teh rubber on right..

  25. circumlocutor

    I’m totally with you on this one. I’ve been telling people for weeks that she’s the ugliest thing I’ve seen in a long, long time. And that song sucks and is soooooo overplayed. She’s the poor woman’s Joss Stone I guess…

  26. Velvet

    Patsy – They tried to make her go to rehab, but she was getting her hair up in that do.

    INPY – Oh, the Cult. How I used to watch Fire Woman with Ian dry humping the stage and think, “wow…I wish that were me…”

    Dara – I should be on that show, Bret is a hotttttie. How are the ho-bags doing by the way? Anyone a front runner? Tell me who she is and I’ll punch her.

    MiniJonB – Yeah, but they can’t sustain the trainwreckery and the career. One always takes precedence.

    SB – Ugh. That poor malnourished fetus. With one parent from Waldorf, MD and the other from God knows where because she was dumped on Lionel Richie.

    Circ – I agree. On all counts. I think the voice is some overacted fakery. MILLI VANILLI ANYONE?????

  27. Ulysses

    The voice is good for the way she uses it, and, most importantly, she is willing to do whatever it takes to sell herself.
    I can almost instantly think of four better performers within that crossover jazz/R&B genre you find AW in, including local talents, that won’t ever be as popular because they don’t want to be part of a freak show. Which is fine with me, ’cause I’d rather see them in a small venue and have the chance to chat after the show.

  28. Ashburnite

    I’m def with circ on this one. AW is a complete trainwreck and I’m so sick of hearing that stupid “Rehab” song. All of the radio stations jump on the annoying song bandwagon, yet not a single one of them ever plays Joss Stone. which is why I don’t listen to the radio anymore. Unless of course I want to hear non-stop AW, JT and Nickleback- but I’m never quite that insane.

  29. barbara

    That hair looks nasty. Can it be real? Makes me want to get my scissors out…

  30. Dara

    Velvet, you’re waaaaaay too smart for that show. On the other hand, if it’s anything like Flavor of Love, they’ll have to do at least one more season. Maybe you should get your audition tape ready.

  31. Madame M

    Wow. Just what I needed to read. Thank you for the sanity check.

    What I find most offensive is that she is hailed as an innovator and as soooo very cutting edge, but she really isn’t doing anything that hasn’t been done before. And by “before” I mean like 40-50 years ago.

  32. b

    your caption to the third picture is priceless!

    and yea, she’s not attractive At all. She must have Something going for her -shrug-

  33. Ms Anthrope

    Velvie, she actually looks that drugged out witch I see you hanging with. What’s her name….”with-something”. Oh well, maybe she died in rehab. She was a fucking CRACK WHORE. Very subtle post!

  34. Velvet

    Ms. A – She doesn’t look like that chick, though, I love that you called her a witch and the last time I saw her, she was riding her bike around Dupont wearing a dress!

    Reminds me of this!

  35. Scarlet

    That last pic makes me ill. She’s nast.

  36. erin

    she’s got interesting lyrics, though, you’ve got to admit.

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