I’ve never been one of the music snobs, scouring the net for the “next big thing,” talking about it on message boards and driving ridiculous distances to see some band no one has heard of. Most often the next big thing to me is boring. Give me some Metallica, Offspring, and The Cult and I’m good. When something new that everyone is talking about hits mainstream, I never jump on the bandwagon. (Harry Potter anyone?) But, I do want to know, why this person? Why did they make it big? So then I investigate.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my newest case study: Amy Winehouse – The ugliest chick ever created by the music industry. Why is she famous? I know some of you like her (well, you did throw her CD at a metrobus driver) but still. Why is she famous? Didn’t this disaster prove that this chick fucking sucks? Gee, maybe if I sing like a drunken sailor on morphine who just got run over by a truck, twice, people will think I’m dark, edgy and cool.
She didn’t used to be so ugly. By genes alone, she isn’t cute, but still. There was a time where she wasn’t the poster child for anorexics who hide bird nests in their hair. I wonder if she looked in the mirror and said, “Gee, how can I make myself uglier? Here we go. I’ll put some various household items in my bouffant to hold it up higher, then seal it off with a birds nest. When the birds come looking for a new home, I’ll let them hover around me. People will think I’m all dark, edgy and cool.”
I suppose this whole image thing had to penetrate into the rest of her life too. A typical photo shoot for Amy Winehouse:
Photog: Amy, sing like you have a cock in your mouth.
Amy: I do have a cock in my mouth!
Photog: Then, pretend the cock is bigger. Yeah…that’s right. Now, pretend his balls are in there too. No, no, hairy balls! There! THAT’S THE EXPRESSION I WANT!”
She looks dirty to me. Not good dirty. Dirty as in, “I haven’t washed my hair in two weeks, I’m wearing the same underwear from last Monday and I’m pretty overdue for some waxing” dirty. Now this chick says she just wants to quit her career and get married and have babies? Christ. First, she is really a role model, huh? Work a couple years, then get knocked up. Even Britney Spears worked longer before she let the spawn of the devil enter her coochie. Second, ugly people should not have children. (See: Nancy Grace.) But, okay, if your reproduction means that we get no more “music” from you, then, I’ll take this one for the team.
“When I get pregnant, I’m going to carry the baby here in my head!”