Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Dear Lucky Magazine

In my attempt to get my mind off Thora, who goes to a specialist tomorrow, how about something light hearted. Clearly this post is just for the girls.

Dear Lucky Magazine,

The only reason I have had a subscription to you since the very beginning of your life is because I love a magazine about clothes and makeup without any articles about how to get your man in bed or how to check yourself for breast cancer every 4 minutes. That said, uh, what the fuck is up with your November issue? I have two problems: Paris Hilton and everything else. Yes. That’s correct.

Paris Hilton. A four page spread (pun intended) with her ugly face hawking yet another perfume? Four pages? Are you so desperate for ad money that you have to give her four pages? And didn’t you notice that she looks dead or just very mannequin like in the picture? I’m sorry, but the last time I checked, you sell media to advertisers who cater to your demographic. I just don’t see the woman reading Lucky as the same woman who wants to smell like Paris Hilton. But, then perhaps my next complaint explains this issue.

The First Annual Shopping Awards. When you are polling your readers to ask them about their favorites, try not to poll people in unfashionable parts of the country, okay? Because, I promise you, promise promise promise, that there is indeed a better beauty counter than Macy’s. Macy’s? Really? How about Nordstrom? Bergdorfs? Bloomingdales? (It’s like no other store in the world!) I also bet you that the best selection of Emerging Designers is definitely not contained inside Nordstrom. Again, I am partial to Bergdorf’s but what can I say? I’m a New Yorker at heart.

I had to hold my breath for the next round of crap – Chain Stores.

Best Shoes – Nine West. (Someone kill me. Please. Stab me with a stiletto. I worked for Nine West. These shoes are horribly made.)

Best Lingerie – Victoria’s Secret. (You know, earlier today I was wearing Victoria’s Secret underwear, but then they disintregated right off my body and now I’m going commando.)

Best Denim – The Gap. (I just threw up in my mouth, on the floor and on the guy next to me. Sorry dude. Then I passed out when I realized that Lucky’s fashion editor said, “Express has brilliant jeans.” Am I the only one here? What is going on here? Am I in some twisted episode of The Twilight Zone?)

Best Party Clothes – Forever 21. (Well, here we go. Here’s the contingency of voters who also want to smell like Paris Hilton.)

Best denim website – The Gap. (Oh. My. God. Do they not have anything other than the motherfucking Gap online? Are you people the same assholes who picked “c” for every question you didn’t know on your SAT’s?)

Everyone has a bad couple days Lucky. Okay? But you shouldn’t go to press when you do. I want to hear what YOU fashion-whores think are the best stores – not what the rest of the country thinks. The only peep I want to hear from readers in other places are about their local boutiques that might be great places to shop. And yes, I AM sitting here in Lucky Jean Brand Sweatpant shorts and a wifebeater that says LUCKY as I type – not to be confused with your Lucky. Now, about my attire. So?


a.k.a. No longer in Fashion, but still the Fashion Police!


  1. KassyK

    I could not agree more. What was that? Bergdorf is the hands down best department store. But again thats the NJ/NY in me.

    And Gap for jeans? Really? What about Sevens, Citizens of Humanity, J Brand and Hudson? Or Paige Denim. Arg!!!!!!!!!!

  2. SweetEscape

    When did Lucky magazine start catering to teenage girls? All of those “best of’s” would be right on (ok, a little bit right on) if I were a 16 year old girl! Confession: I do heart me some Forever 21 at times!

  3. Momentary Academic

    I am the most unfashionable one out of all of the whorebuckets and even *I* know that there are jeans that are better than Gap jeans.

  4. homeimprovementninja


    You may as well be talking about your ovaries.

  5. mysterygirl!

    Yeah, are you sure that isn’t the 10th anniversary issue? Because I’m pretty sure that all of those things would have been true in 1997.

  6. Dara

    I love Lucky magazine too, mostly for the reasons you stated. Plus, I love how it gives you different priced versions of the same outfit because not all of us have trust funds. But yeah, their best-of reads like a midwestern mall directory. Seriously. Can’t they be more inventive? (And, for the record, Forever 21 scares me. It’s way worse than the Wet Seal and Contempo of my teenage years.)

    Here’s a little disclaimer, though: While I have WAY better jeans (thank god for Denim Bar!), I’m actually quite fond of my Gap Curvy jeans. They were cheap, and are quite comfortable. That said, I wear them around the house on Saturdays, as if they were sweatpants. And what I really like are the Gap’s flare Curvy low rise pants, in black — because that means I don’t have to think about what to wear to work on a random Wednesday when I slept through my alarm. I understand, however, that this is not fashion — it’s laziness. Clearly most of America misses the distinction.

    And as for department stores, when I get into Manhattan, the first store I want to go to is Henri Bendel. After that, it’s Barney’s and Bergdorf’s.

  7. I-66

    [raising my hand]

    Um… How do I put this politely… What the fuck is Lucky magazine?

  8. upstairs neighbor

    lucky is just the new millennium version of sassy magazine. plus, all of the placement in articles is basically paid for. from a guys perspective the best bets aren’t a list of stores:

    best shoes – i knew a girl who would cuff her jeans over a pair of slip-on checkered vans and made it look hot, but a gucci and mj make some hot heels.

    best lingerie – rock out with something that fits your personality and it will be sexy to us. wearing something extra special in the bedroom one day a year is contrived and any guy that asks you to do it on a special occasion has been looking at too many issues of maxim and not you.

    best denim – i agree with the hudson call, they are the most flattering jeans on women. it took a lot of squinting and looking like a perv while walking the downtown areas to find out that brand so that i could make the recommendation to the girl i was dating.

    best party clothes – similar to lingerie, go with comfortable things, comfort breeds confidence and confidence is sexy. i don’t mean rock a patagonia vest and jeans, but don’t pull a sarah jessica parker/sex and the city move and cram yourself into something. no guy wants to have the woman he’s talking to tugging at her outfit all night instead of dancing with him.

    best denim website – has tons of high end denim at a good price.

  9. Velvet

    KK – I totally agree on Bergdorf’s. I used to hit that store about once every three weeks and I would CLEAN UP. It ain’t cheap, but if you caught it right, you could get emerging designers. Hello…anyone remember Laundry circa 1996 or Bisou Bisou before they pulled a Halston and sold out to JC Penney? I also agree with your jeans lineup. Though partial and forever in love with Sevens, I will eventually attempt to branch out. And for the whorebuckets in the house – there’s nothing like a $200 pair of jeans to make you question, “Hmm…is this guy really worth it?”

    SweetEscape – Welcome! I agree. I was surprised. I usually think they are the forefront of fashion, but as I learned from my days in retail – cutting edge does not apply to the flyover states.

    MA – Unless the Gap has done something new and revolutionary since I was last in one of their stores in the 90’s, then I’m not sure.

    Ninja – You better pay attention. You are the posterchild for metrosexuality. Get with it!

    MG – You know, they should be nearing their 10th anniversary issue, but no, not yet. They made the mistake of polling the U.S. Why, oh why!!!

    Dara – I actually only get Lucky and Bazaar – though Bazaar does not provide the cheaper options those bastards. But they do a range of ages for clothing and I like that. Any mag that steers clear of the “how to get your man to marry you” crap is worth its weight in gold. And, OMG! Contempo!! Remember them! Merry Go Round was another one I loved. Those were the good old days when girls pretended to dress like sluts. Now they really dress like sluts. I haven’t been to the Gap in ages, so I don’t know about their jeans, but I’ll def take your word. And on Bendel – I wrote them off when they were bought by the Limited. I assumed that they would combine forces and typical of business processes, streamline their operations; meaning Bendel was going to look more like a Limited Store. But next time I go to NY with money, I’ll stop by.

    I66 – Oh, honey. You’re a boy. You don’t know. But okay, imagine that all you had to read as a woman for years was crappy articles written by freelancers who think “sexily unrolling a condom” is groundbreaking work. So you constantly flip through your magazines searching for just the clothes, then a magazine comes along that does that. They combine the resources of all their other magazines (Conde Nast) and just put out the fashion and beauty. Brilliant! Until they start slacking…

    Neighbor – I never read Sassy, though it is a much worshiped beacon of journalism. People can’t stop talking about how wonderful it was. Somewhat like Bust or Bitch now – a magazine that doesn’t ask women to change. I often thought about picking up a few copies on Ebay just to check it out. Haven’t gotten there yet though. And I should have known you would have all the scoop on the best stuff – they should have just polled YOU. I live on bluefly by the way. LIVE on there.

  10. Patsy

    I’m woefully out of my league when it comes to talking about clothes. I’m the girl that hates shopping and if I’m in a clothing store longer than 20 minutes I’ll break out in hives.

    That said, however, I do love clothes shopping in London. I spend an insane amount of money on clothes whenever I go over, because it’s all stuff that will be in style in the states in 2 years. And the underwear lasts forever. Quality!

  11. freckledk

    I do like the True Religions. I don’t own any…in fact, I probably don’t own any item that exceeds $75, but I do love them.

    I’m going to treat myself to a used Ebay pair, just as soon as I can find the perfect one.

  12. Valley Girl

    OMG I was thinking the SAME THING!!! WTF is up with all those Macy’s mentions???? These people must live under rocks. This is the reason I never go with the reader’s picks… only the Editors.

    Btw, our local newspaper has a similar poll for best restaurants. Last years pick for Best Mexican? Chevy’s! *sigh* And we’re the 10th largest city in the U.S. WTF.

  13. I-66

    Sexily unrolling a condom?

    How about someone learn how to sexily unroll my…

    Fruit by the foot.

  14. suicide_blond READING this in my LUCKY sweatpants too!!

    sooo let me see
    best dept store…
    there is only one… competition..none..

    best denim…
    casual denim..lucky brand
    night time denim… im partial to true religion but i did score a reallly good pair at old navy once…

    best shoes..hello Christian Louboutin..

    best lingerie..agent provacatuer

    best party clothes… neiman marcus
    (what kind of ghetto party would you shop at forever 21 for?? prom?)

    best denim website…
    i like joes jeans site..very good at helping find the right fit for your body type..and they will send you all kinds of just return the ones you dont like…

    i think we are either too old..or too informed…to be lucky’s target demo..

  15. I-66

    What do you mean “night time denim”?

  16. Katy

    I guess I’m a classics kinda girl when it comes to jeans but I have like 3 pairs of Levi’s and I love them! I have a skinny pair that were apparently only limited edition because when I went back to get another pair I was told they don’t make them anymore. They are long, but not too long and a good dark wash.

  17. Not So Little Woman

    I agree. Macy’s is a good store, but there are better ones. I still cannot afford Bergdorf’s, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have good taste.

    And I completely agree with wanting a magazine that doesn’t tell you “How to find his favorite spot in bed – we asked the experts” or some crap like that. Enough already!

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