Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

From the Files of Why I Hate People; Crossfile Under “Here’s How Much of an Asshole I Can Be”

Truth be told, historically, I’ve been a pretty nice and accommodating person. Ask the friends. Recently, something finally switched over in my brain and I stopped tolerating the rudeness of acquaintances and strangers. My pet peeve is the ever rampant in Washington D.C. “I’m going to bud into your life because I can” attitude. An inordinate number of people here like to interject their two cents when I am not asking for it. I don’t recall this in any other place I’ve lived. But it really pisses me off.

The King of the Dogpark and I were walking our dogs down the street. I had my two dogs, plus the foster, Zoe, and he has his dog. We were passing a dead strip of grass that has recently become home to a brand spanking new sign “Please take your dog to the designated dog area.” Let’s pause for the irony – there IS NO designated dog area in D.C. And all the fucking yuppies have decided to plant flowers in the treeboxes and fence them in, which, last time I checked, was CITY property, not personal property. Since we have no formal allowed dog parks, I’m sorry, but where are they supposed to go? Any strip of grass, weeds, or leaves is prime pickings. I pick up after my dog, and that grass has been dead for YEARS. If they really don’t want dogs in there, screw the sign; build a fence.

So the four dogs are walking in various directions all across the sidewalk and I became aware of a woman approaching from behind who might want to get past us. I was being nice when I asked her, “Oh, sorry, are our dogs preventing you from getting by?” And she said, “No, I was just curious why there are signs that say they don’t want dogs here but the dogs are all over the grass.” I was trying to be nice in collecting dogs out of her way so her ass could get by and she has to be a bitch? Fine bitchy, have it your way.

So I said, “Oh, because the dogs can’t read.”

The King and I kept walking and he said, “I actually can’t believe you said that.” I said, “Yeah, neither can I.”

Usually I’m not that quick on the uptake. My comeback hits me anywhere from 4 hours to 48 days after an “incident.” I usually start apologizing and scrambling to comply with whatever crap a stranger shoots in my direction, but nope. Not anymore.


  1. Valley Girl

    Ef her. What a saracastic beeyotch. She deserved an even more sarcastic reply. Good for you!

  2. Scarlet

    I LOVE it when the comeback comes to me at the moment. Good one.

  3. Lemmonex

    You were the person I always hoped I was about 10 minutes after…fantastic.

  4. Ulysses

    Well, let me tell you something… no wait, never mind, your point just sunk in.

  5. Muskego Jeff

    A solid comeback is always appreciated. Unfortunately for me, the only one I’ve had was telling a guy to “fvck off” in front of his wife and kids when he tried tell me how I should have waited for him to get past me when I was backing out of a parking space. I’m no Home I’mprovement Ninja, but I outweighed the guy by close to 100 pounds, was about 20 years younger, and was really in a bad mood.

  6. I-66

    Planted flowers are just more stuff for dogs to piss on. Besides, if these people want lush green grass, they should move out of your hood and go closer to the suburbs.

  7. suicide_blond

    screw her….
    i say a midnight misdemeanor..”collection” ..might be in order…

  8. jordanbaker

    The only way that line could be better is if you delivered it in a very sad, sligtly ashamed voice–like you felt the dogs’ illiteracy was a deep dark secret rather than just a . . .necessary side effect of being dogs.

  9. Velvet

    Valley Girl, Scarlet – Thank you thank you!

    Lemmonex – Usually I am the one like George Costanza with the old, “Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”

    Muskego Jeff – Never underestimate the power of a good “Fuck you” to a guy in front of his wife AND kids. Well done!

    I66 – Thank you. THANK YOU! These people have taken to putting “no dogs allowed” signs on the treeboxes. Are they kidding? Really? There’s a place where dogs won’t pee on treeboxes and it’s called Leesburg.

    Blond – You are evil!

    JB – HA! I’ll need to swap my sarcasm for shame. I’ll get to work on that.

  10. homeimprovementninja

    Ya know…you are very motherly towards those dogs. I realllly hope you don’t throw them birthday parties and put little hats on them 😛

  11. Momentary Academic

    What do these people have against dogs? I don’t understand. City living means that you can’t have the rules of a gated community.

    Time to move back to the suburbs assfaces!

  12. mysterygirl!

    It’s so weird to me that there’s a war going on about where dogs can go on city property. Isn’t it supposed to be for everyone? I’m also surprised (even though I shouldn’t be) that that woman was so passive-aggressive.

  13. Velvet

    Ninja – NO. I. DO. NOT. But Thora’s b-day was last week and she did get a new toy and a cookie from the bakery.

    MA – I totally agree. This lady lives in a, wait for it, apartment building. I could see if it was condo or a personal front yard, and the dogs were killing her grass, but whether the grass is alive or not makes no difference to her other than aesthetically because it isn’t doing crap for her property values. If she wants nice grass, then she should encourage the management company to put up a fence too.

    MG! – I agree. And to further that point, I pay a fortune in income and real estate taxes as an owner. If she’s renting property, then she’s just paying income. So by that measure (because I can be LAME and petty and passive aggressive like that too) my dogs have MORE of a right to be there than she does! HA! I should have been a lawyer…I can make any argument work to my advantage.

  14. Arjewtino

    I think you’re on to something when you say people stick their noses all up in your bidness more here than any other place. In LA, in Argentina, this rampant nosiness is definitely less common.

  15. Anonymous

    Usually I’m not that quick on the uptake. My comeback hits me anywhere from 4 hours to 48 days after an incident.

    Yeah dont some of us just feel lik ethis. Well great comeback, i will add it to my comeback dictionary.

  16. Not So Little Woman

    I love you! It’s a far better response than the time I was bitched at by a blonde because the dogs were peeing in a “no pee” zone. She got all in my face about the plants. Like my dogs were the only ones peeing there and it was all my fault. I ended up yelling at her and everyone turned around to see it. Shameful!

  17. wildbillthePirate

    If there isn’t a place to take your dogs, then you have to go where you can go! If they want you to take your dogs elsewhere, then by all means, let them built it then! Only then can you abide such a useless attempt to regulate where you can go.

  18. I-66

    Full disclosure: At Christmas the dogs get gifts and we open them when everyone else does.

  19. freckledk

    God. Wish I had been there for that one. I may have peed myself right on the spot.

  20. allezoop

    I used to think I was a people person, but I was wrong. I am a not-so-subtle misanthrope, only turning on the charm when it suits me. The dark side? Not such a bad place! And think of the public service you’re performing as a human bullshit caller-onner. You’re like, a hero.

  21. James, Etta

    I like this new, bitch Velvet. Now, maybe, you won’t cast judgemental glares at me when I’m cunty to strangers!!!

  22. James, Etta

    Oh, p.s.- I meant to tell you that I tried to check Velvet in Dupont from a hotel lobby recently — free wifi, I was bored. Your blogged is blocked as a “pornographic site.”

  23. blueseaglass

    I just closed the doors to my dog-walking business in DC – georgetown specifically.

    Why? You ask? Because of douchebags like that bitchy. I have stopped holding back and just become en-raged – I have started using words that I am really not proud of. Loudly. Sometimes near children.

    the other day my dog chased down a jogger who ran through the dog park area – he picked up a brick and threatened to kill her. I went completely apeshit on his ass. That was when I knew I needed a new career.

    Guy mason (behind whole foods in glover park) and the adams morgan park are pretty decent – and fenced in…

    ps. I love your blog and am adding u to my blogroll.

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