Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

You Make a Grown Man Cry, You Make a Dead Man Come

It started several months ago. The King of the Dog Park and I were leaving my building and I exchanged a few pleasantries with my painfully Hot Neighbor in the lobby. The King’s jaw was agape, and when the neighbor was out of earshot:

King: Who was that?
Velvet: My neighbor. I know, I know.
King: Ohmygod the things I would do to him.
Velvet: Yeah. I was thinking that I really need to set him up with Sixes&Sevens so she can ruin his life.
King: He’s straight? DAMN!

A likeness of Hot Neighbor:

Later when we saw Sixes&Sevens, she screamed, “Well? SET IT UP!” So we did.

And for months, we watched the painful dance of awkward hellos, texts gone awry, each out of town every time the other wanted to get together. It seemed these two would never be on the same page.

Until the other night. Sixes&Sevens came over and we cracked through a bottle of wine before grabbing the King and heading off to a holiday soiree. At the elevator, we simultaneously heard the door of one Hot-Neighbor’s close and Sixes&Seven’s audible gasp/moan. The King shouted, “Well hello Hot-Neighbor! This time you’ve caught Sixes&Sevens after her shower!” We dragged Hot-Neighbor to our party, but he bailed in favor of some “play” he was supposed to see. It didn’t stop those naughty kids from sending juicy texts to each other. From play to party, party to play, the texts a veritable foreplay for the long overdue tryst.

I walked into the kitchen to grab a drink at one point. I saw Sixes and Sevens standing there, striking a pose for no one in particular but looking massively sexy in her skin tight black sweater and tweed 40’s style skirt, tapered to the knee then flared out, ending at the calf, her eyes buried behind little librarian black rimmed specs and her mischievous little brain working overtime, while the evidence of her plot formed into a smirk on her face.

Sort of like this:


The host’s boyfriend walked in and said, “What are you two doing? You look like you are plotting something really bad, only you are communicating without words. I can’t figure out what you two are up to. This is scary. I’m leaving.”

Sixes and Sevens: Do you have a key for his place?
Velvet: Actually, I have access to the lockbox, so yes, technically I have a key.
Sixes and Sevens: How awesome would it be for him to come home and find me in his bed?
Velvet: I’ll get our coats.

We bid our farewells and ran through Dupont giggling like two schoolgirls on a mission of sexual terrorism. He beat us home though, so there was no reason for breaking into his house, sooooo, all was finally right with the world. I retreated to my cave to watch Forensic Files. (I made up for it the next night…)

At one a.m. I got this text:

“I’m 3/4 naked, half baked, and he just came on my face.”

Well done, my girl. Very well done.


  1. 6s & 7s

    as soon as he showed me his comic book collection, the clothes started comin off! oh baby!

  2. Velvet

    That’s still better than the “tool” who took out pictures of his ex-girlfriend and showed them to you, saying, “I could really fall for you…like I did for this chick…”

  3. mysterygirl!

    I was planning to comment on this story until your comment made me start to choke with laughter. Comic books > ex-gf pics. Keep me in mind if you have any other hot neighbors…

  4. Muskego Jeff

    Where did you find that picture of me? I know, I know, slouching is bad for my posture.

  5. blueseaglass

    I do so love your blog. And 6s&7s get the award for the best text of 2007

    Congrats 6/7

  6. freckledk

    The trollop. What 1/4 of her was clothed? I’ll bet the librarian glasses and whatever her choice of footwear made up a large part of that figure. We all know it wasn’t the skirt….sounds like an impossible garment in which to fornicate.

  7. Velvet

    mysterygirl! – Ooh, I will. If Hot Neighbor wasn’t tainted by one Sixes and Sevens, I’d just offer him up for a share.

    Jeff – Sigh. You’ve been emailing me your picture for months now, I figured it was finally time to use it for a post!

    Blueseaglass – HA! Thank you! And I’m sure Sixes and Sevens will thank you too.

    FreckledK – See, she’s not only good at getting red wine out of your couch. She’s good at…wait..couch…Sixes and Sevens…there’s a joke in there somewhere but Sammy’s snoring is distracting me.

  8. 6s & 7s

    That’s trollop with a dollop babe. and yeah: 1/4 was stockings (black of course) and 3 inch mary janes. So there. You can’t nosh on pecks while wearing specks!

    and dude, had velvie reported the “naked while smooshing me against the sliding glass door move” then i’d be in the running for 2008!

  9. Velvet

    Sixes and Sevens…I knew that. But I didn’t realize I was allowed to tell because you didn’t tell me that. Hot Neighbor did when a)thanked me for introducing him to you and b)returned my glass and bottle of wine you didn’t get to polishing off.

    Would now be a good time to also tell you that he said you are an excellent dick sucker and that you, AND I QUOTE, “never got tired.”

    That’s my girl!

  10. Drunken Chud

    ok, i’m highly aroused by this post and the subsequent comments. thank you.

  11. Cunning Linguist

    That was a crazy read; the text message at the end was fantastic. It’s funny though, I was always under the impression that along with a.) switching to the ass without warning and b.) ramming a girls head up and down like a jackhammer, the facial was one of those things glorified by porn that women don’t actually enjoy. Something about getting it in their hair, or worse, their eye. Maybe I’m just dating the wrong women.

  12. 6s & 7s

    Yeah…the wrong women. I know when to close my eyes.

    And thanks for the details velvie what else did he say???!!!

  13. homeimprovementninja

    Firstable, that guy looks like he has Down Syndrome. Second, it’s bad enough that 6s and 7s trolls the high schools looking for dates, but if now she is resorting to breaking and entering to get some vitamin P, then what’s next? Armed robbery at a sperm bank? Becoming a Catholic priest?

    Also, Velvet, you’re getting a copy of my key. Next time you have some extra pooty tang laying around, you know where I live.

  14. Momentary Academic

    It’s never boring with you, is it?

  15. wildbillthePirate

    I wondered what I was missing when I went to college, chose a Career and worked hard to get ahead. Now I know. Thanks for ruining it ALL for me!

  16. Velvet

    Chud – We aim to please. Some people’s aim is better than others.

    Cunning Linguist – Sometimes I miss the old days of Velvet. I had to PG this puppy down for a bit, but every so often it’s fun to let it rip. But yes, like Sixes&Sevens said, “the wrong women.” All wrong.

    Sixes&Sevens – That was it. The pinning against the glass and the fact that if we were in a marathon with myself driving cross country (again) and you doing your “routine,” that you wouldn’t be tired by the time I got to the West Coast. You’re just that good. Damn!

    Ninja – If you think that guy looks like he has Down’s then I’m REALLY going to start critiquing your dates. The idea of her robbing a sperm bank so she can pour the contents of her heist on her face is a pretty funny image.

    MA – It’s my friends! It’s not often I leave the house!

    Wild Bill – Sorrrrryyy!!!

  17. 6s & 7s

    NINJA YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS! You and your metro orange ribbed sweater! You could get a hot guy too! Just stick with me and Velvie.

    CATHOLIC PRIEST…OMG, I have a new life goal! How does one make that happen?

  18. E

    I love this salacious, lecherous blog. It brings tears to my eyes and “drops of joy” to Sixes&Sevens face.

  19. homeimprovementninja

    6s and 7s, why don’t you just buy an ice cream truck and a pair of handcuffs and save yourself a lot of trouble? At least you can give away free ice cream after you traumatize those virgins with your vigourous lovemaking.

    You have to pretend to be okay with celibacy to be a priest. So why go through all that trouble. Low hanging fruit, babay!

  20. Ms. Anthrope

    That Sixes is a total whore. God, I love her. And Velvet you totally aided and abetted on that one. Good girl. You’re like sexual superheroes! Wonder Twin powers ACTIVATE! FORNICATE!

  21. 6s & 7s

    “You have to pretend to be okay with celibacy to be a priest.”

    I LOVE DEPRIVATION. It turns me on MORE!

  22. I-66

    Oh Sixes and Sevens, don’t you know it’s much hotter to get most of it around your mouth and on your chin before licking it clean? Sheesh.

  23. 6s & 7s


  24. Velvet

    Heh. E said “Drops of joy.” Love it.

    Ninja – OOH AN ICE CREAM TRUCK! We could name it Ice Creamy Dreams or something equally slutty and ride around town as Sexual Superheroes. We need Suicide Blonde!

    I66 – I just loaned “The Art of Fellatio” to a friend…along with a movie which illustrates exactly what you have just described. Yum yum.

  25. Ms. Anthrope

    Velvet, you tease. Is there going to be a second part to this story?

  26. Uncle Keith

    What a great post to start reading your blog with? Well, I’m hooked!

  27. I-66

    What movie? Then again, I probably have some scenes with that in it already…

  28. Lillith Tenille

    Dear God in Heaven how I’ve missed you! Last I knew you were closing up blog-shop . . . I have no idea what made me click on your link for the first time in months.

    You’re fantabulous! Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back!

    PS – I’ve changed names and blogs, so you probably have no damn clue who I am. Whoopsie.

  29. barbara

    This is like the old days, except you are not the star, just the reporter. You girls are too much!

  30. wildbillthePirate

    The likeness kinda does have that Big Forehead (hidden with hair)Downs-loook to him. Maybe he isn’t but a brother or sister… I’m just saying…

  31. JohnnyDC


    I guess I’ll add 67 to the naughty hotties list.

  32. 6s & 7s

    Yes Yes Yes. I want to be on the Naughty List. YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!

  33. Hot Neighbor

    This sounds shockingly familiar
    I must say the picture is charitable. The nose is similar but the eyebrows are not even close.

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