Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Was Born in a Small Town, and I Live in a Small Town, Probably Die in a Small Town

Mr. X and I have a beach house on the Eastern Shore in a new community. Since both Mr. X and I have worked for builders and developers, and since we’re no beginners when it comes to new homes, we were pretty sure we knew what we were signing up for.

Obviously, we were wrong.

The first time we saw a bunch of people outside in their yards we calculated the average age to be roughly 84. Surprisingly though, the residents of the community are tech-savvy enough to have started this message board on Yahoo. It wasn’t hard to find and register, and apparently they have not locked it down from the public. I foolishly signed up to receive every email message that posts to the message board and as any blogger knows full well, it is extremely hard to sit on one’s hands when a stupidity parade is on display.

The people who we share this community with, are, well, how shall I put this. Really. Fucking. Stupid. Mr. X has implored me to not respond. I am not to jump into the fights about the incompetence of the management company. I am not to reply that I worked for several developers. I am not to reply that I work for a management company. Nothing. He does not want me to end up on the Board out there like I am here in D.C.

So, the message board. I read probably three dozen replies to a post that started with someone stepping in dog crap and morphed to people wanting to put the dog crap on the offenders front door, to a fight about “poop stations” and I had to shut down by the time they were planning to stomp through the neighborhood en masse with white hoods and capes to lynch the offender. Oh, and I know what you’re thinking. It’s not me. I may rarely abide by the leash law, but I always pick up the poop. Always.

Suddenly this thought popped into my head: I live in fucking South Park. Except it’s Eastern Shore Park. Here’s the video interpretation of what our community message boards look like:

The other day someone posted about wanting to plan a bus trip to D.C. I politely replied saying I lived in downtown and would help them with anything they may need on this end. For me, that reply was really pre-damage control, as I’d rather make nice now so as to not get annoying notes on my front door about my dogs being off leash. I texted Mr. X that I had done this and conveyed my motives. At the same time, another thread was growing in replies debating the type of tree we should plant at the community entrance.

“I like Bradford Pear trees.”

“Oh no, I had those in my last community and the roots rip up the sidewalks.”

“Yes, my neighbor’s son’s bookie’s baby-mama had one out in Atlantic City and they didn’t like it. Wait. Maybe that was a Maple. Forget it.”

So Mr. X decided to reply to my email about helping them plan their D.C. old biddy bus trip and he pulled amateur hour 101.

Reply. All.

Even though he replied to my email it still copied to the entire message board. That shit landed in the inbox of 100 some odd retirees and busybodies with nothing better to do. Nice going Mr. X. Real nice going. If we get kicked out of Del Boca Vista Eastern Shore Park Sun City, I’ll kick your ass.


  1. Patsy

    Derp dooo drrrrr!

  2. Shannon

    Ha! I just don’t see myself as ever being the sort of person who had strong views on trees. I do have some opinions, though. I’m pro old people bus trips, and anti-poop. Does that count?

  3. Velvet

    Patsy – I KNEW you would love it! I was laughing last night when I was watching that clip.

    Shannon – It counts. But you might have to drive the bus for them. I’m not sure if any of them can see.

  4. Mr. X (aka Reply All)

    This was so funny — and true. I posted it to the Del Boca Vista Eastern Shore Park Sun City web site. I’m over the bus trip discussion and I’m over the tree discussion. I’m on to the dog shit discussion.

  5. Phil

    we moved slightly over a year ago, and I love our “community watch” emails we receive.

    Last week was an email reporting a strange car parked on the street. It was unattended, and subsequent reports claim it belonged to an “unknown white male”. The car is legally parked, according to police….thank goodness he white at least, but rest assured a eye will be kept on this car.

    We apparently have rampant problems with coyotes eating our children and household pets, if you believe the emails.

  6. LiLu

    At least Mr. Reply to All owned up to it…

  7. Velvet

    Mr. X – You can get on (and off) any discussion you like. I’m here for it all.

    Phil – Aah, suburban Atlanta. It sounds like every other subdivision filled city as well. The strange car is very very suspect. I’m surprised someone didn’t come up with the “someone’s avoiding a re-po” argument and use that to call the cops. I would like you to go out there in full Playaz garb and really get them going. You can read all about your wife’s “affair” online. Titillating!

    LiLu – He’s good like that. (Hard to lie when your name is plastered all over it.)

  8. jordanbaker

    This just reminds me of all the embarrassing long distance relationships that imploded on academic listservs in the ’90’s because Prof. Y in CA didn’t know how to write his florid soft core notes to his lovah, Prof. Z in MA, without replying to all and distributing it to every Americanist and Grad Student in the world.

  9. bejeweled

    Ok, so did I miss what Mr. X said in his reply all?? Just curious…. Wasn’t sure if was a bit o’ snarky that the old bitties wouldn’t understand.

  10. Velvet

    Yeah, he was basically making fun of them for their long winded conversation about freaking trees. And it went right back to everyone. Sorry about that. I should have put his email (and the text he subsequently sent me) in here too. But I was so horrified he hit reply all, I think it threw me into next week.

    JB – List servs arouse the same stupidity in people. I’ve heard of condo buildings with list servs…wow. “Who stole my sunglasses? I left them on the front desk?” “Someone’s dog just peed in the hall on the 5th floor.” Yeesh.

  11. Dara

    My condo has a listserv. I am so sorry I signed up for it. Every once in a while I am tempted to send out an email asking how it is that people have nothing better to do all day.

  12. Washington "Bamboo Back Hoe" Cube

    I have views on trees (said the woman who has an opinion on everything.) Maples and willows both have invasive root systems. Maples can stay on the surface and get into everything. So does bamboo. Rapid spreading runners. Bradford pears have a shortened life and invariably split and have to come down. Willows will seek out your plumbing pipes and crush them. They love water. Only place you should really have them is around a creek.

    If you really want a “stink” in your beach community? Don’t worry about the poo.
    Plant bamboo.

    My haiku of the night.

  13. Green Mafia

    Kudzu FTW!

  14. Uncle Keith

    Put me down in the maples are the ones that tear up the sidewalk camp.

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