Mr. X has an ex (the ex-Mrs. X) who is, how shall I put this nicely. Um. Batshit crazy, frighteningly angry and certifiably insane. Yeah. That sums it up. When hearing stories about her, I find it funny to climb to the top of my pedestal and make fun of her. It’s so easy to do. However, I realize that this makes Mr. X feel not so special about himself because ultimately he did make the decision to be with her for a point in time in his life. He’s not a tit for tat kind of person but I know that if he considers ever going into defense mode and bringing up my sordid past he certainly has a wealth of material.
Well Mr. X, love of my life, I present to you: the latest news of the ex you and I call, simply: “crazy guy.”
In case anyone forgot, Crazy Guy is the one who bought a house a block away from me after swearing for the better part of a year that he was not, in fact, stalking me, and “I don’t know how you could accuse me of stalking just because you had 18 missed calls from me inside of an hour, I show up in bars I know you go to, follow you to concerts 60 miles away even when you tell me not to, jog by your dog park and I’m sitting outside your building in my car right now!?!?!?!?!?”
A piece of information landed in my lap this morning which will probably make Mr. X scream with glee. I am officially part of what I truly hope is a one-member club: “My ex-boyfriend is now an infomercial-guy.”
Yes yes. It’s true. I have sadly discovered that Crazy Guy is now hawking products on a horribly designed website complete with “before/after” graphics and tons and tons of !!!!!!!! exclamation points.
I have officially had, inside my body, the cock of a ShamWow, Snuggie, Dual Action Cleanse, Time Life Series, Ped Egg, Oxi Clean, Ginzu Knife, Mighty Putty, Bedazzler Kaboom Billy Mays!!!!!! I tried to send the link to FreckledK but she couldn’t even bring herself to look.
Mr. X? You may begin your fun-making but ACT NOW! IF YOU BEGIN YOUR FUN-MAKING IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, I’LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA FUN-MAKING SESSION FREE! THAT’S TWO FUN-MAKING SESSIONS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! I’LL ALSO THROW IN THIS POCKET SIZE FUN-MAKER WHICH IS YOURS JUST FOR TRYING THE DELUXE PACKAGE! YOU CAN KEEP IT EVEN IF YOU CHOOSE TO RETURN THE WHOLE ORDER!!!!!