Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Read the News Today Oh Boy

I’m not sure whose stupid idea it was to not get cable (mine) but the beach house of one Velvet and Mr. X hurts for some quality entertainment. Wait. That implies there’s no sex. That’s not true. We don’t hurt for x-rated entertainment of the self-made variety. But once that’s done, we’re relegated to our Amish exile. Since the neighbors are crazy…yeah. Anyway.

You can only watch your man paint the kitchen Caribbean Yellow with one opposing wall in East India Spice while you do crossword puzzles and stay warm by farting under the blankie because the effing heat is broken in your brand new house and no one knows why for so long before you get positively bored. With a half dozen crabs swimming in several bottles of beer in our stomachs, we sloshed out of the Claws Crab House in Rehoboth and on to the sidewalk. Both of us saw it out of the corner of our eyes. Simultaneously reaching into our pockets for change we ran toward that beacon of hope sitting on the street corner, fighting to get there first.

The newspaper machine! It had been at least three hours without contact from the outside world, and almost four hours without television. Unless you count that singing waitress at Claws, Holly what’s-her-name in the Milton Theatre production, we had spoken to exactly no one but each other. We were desperate to know what we missed.   Or at least to know what was going on in the Cape May/Lewes/Rehoboth Corridor.

Thank GOD we picked up that paper! You know what they say. One city’s news is another city’s hamster cage bedding. Well, maybe they don’t say that. But at fifty cents, this was wayyyyy cheaper than cable. And much   much funnier. Trannie Matchmaker has nothing on this shit!

Mr. X: Did you see this?
Velvet: Who the fuck is Corey?

I read the article. I still don’t know.

Okay. Fuck you. I read it twice. I still don’t get it. Thanks for calling me out.

Velvet: My mom’s Lazy Boy in Connecticut looks like this.
Mr. X: How does she sit in it?
Velvet: It’s not pretty. She flipped it over and tried to fix it and something snapped and went through her hand. She ended up in the E.R.
Mr. X: Are you kidding?
Velvet: Sadly no.

Mr. X: Look! He always answers his phone! Let’s call him now!
Velvet: It’s after midnight…

Velvet: No! Stop getting up to show me shit in the paper!
Mr. X: But I just want you to see her profile picture! Look at her black tooth!
Velvet: And that’s probably her good side.

Mr. X: This is someone’s job? To be a Wii Therapist?

Is it me or does she look happy? And what does “the matter of the disposition (or not)” mean? Do some people leave the body behind? And their tagline is “Honored to Serve All Communities & Denominations.” Really? Even the Jews. Because excuse me, but I think offering a Jew anything resembling a cremation might be a tad insensitive.

Two pedophiles, one butch Mommy Dearest teacher, a kid front and center with a look on his face like he was the last victim of the dork in the tweed blazer, a white kid on the left whose ass still hurts from his turn as the hole, a kid on the right practicing the harmonica for his role in the school production of Deliverance, and a dog. Best Kindergarten class picture ever.


  1. Beach Bum

    Hmmmm, the matter of the disposition (or not) means either you’re going to throw the ashes somewhere (the ocean, a field, whatever they do in movies) or keep it in your living room in an urn (it is about cremation, after all, so no body should exist once they’re done).

    Totally sent a copy of the wii ad to my friend who’s a physical therapist!

  2. Shannon

    I find the easy chair one to be the most disturbing. You will be comfortable! You will be assimilated! Obey! Obey!

  3. LiLu

    “It was easy to decide on cremation”???

    WTF?!?! No wonder newspapers are going out of bizz nass.

  4. Cyndy

    Local newspapers are hilarious, no matter where you go. They put stuff in there that just BEGS for reinterpretation as you have so brilliantly demonstrated. I love this stuff!

  5. JohnnyDC

    Dogdamn. It’s a wonder that mankind ever evolved from chimpanzees. I mean look at the inanity! You could almost say the chimps are doing more meaningful stuff. Wow. Shamwow.

  6. Luna

    My local newspaper has an “open line” section where they allow people to call in and rant about whatever subject they want (because most are too illiterate to actually write a letter to the editor). The call is then transcribed (usually with spelling errors) and printed. It’s hilarious, and often the highlight of my trips home.

  7. Barbara

    For God’s sake, you’re at the beach. Forget reading the newspaper or better yet read it online before you have to start paying to do so. Is that story about your mother’s encounter with her recliner really true???

  8. Velvet

    Beach Bum – Yes, but, why would the funeral home have to help with that? You know, if I’m going to put Grandpa on the mantle, I wonder what I need them for? I guess they have the magic to make me sit in the woods and smile though like that lady.

    Shannon – Yes, the chair makes no sense. Why not show a comfortable chair. I don’t get it.

    LiLu – Mr. X wants to know who their ad agency is so they can be fired.

    Cyndy – We’re going back tonight! Can’t wait! Next weekly installment of the paper should be out tonight!!!

    Johnny – You’ll never get over the Shamwow scandal now will you. I’m so sorry!

    Luna – Please please please tell me your paper has a link online somewhere. Please! That would be like a Christmas/birthday gift rolled into one!

    Barbara – Oh, yes, it’s true. She has the scar to prove it.

  9. Washington "Drunk Pizza Hut Delivery on Rt. 10" Cube

    I love local papers and have written about their “news.” Check out the crime report sections, Velvet. THE best. A lot of DUI’s…not unusual for beach towns,but also some really fine shit. Like a woman sunbathing on the sidewalk in front of a local grocery store (read “nuts,”) a lot of interesting domestic stuff…a guy getting hit by his own power tools. I could read that stuff all day. And, as you’ve shown us, great ads and local news. “Women at St. Pete’s make sugar eggs for Easter brunch at Sunrise Vista Nursing Home.”

  10. Brett

    I was giggling the whole way through but lost it at the gay bank ad. hahaha also the class pic. lol for reals

  11. Washington "Drunk Pizza Hut Delivery on Rt. 10" Cube

    Another thing small towns do, and it seems beyond the law, but they do it anyway: “John Smith, 35, at 50 Bluebird Way, Rehoboth, was arrested on peeping tom charges that took place at 52 Bluebird Way, Rehoboth. According to the accused, he has been doing this for years, as he has an obessession with “Granny Pants” as worn by his neighbor, Gerta Hammstrun, 87.

    Swear to God, they do this, then you drive through the village eyeballin’ everyone hinky. It’s like the wild west out in your sleepy little burg.

    P.S. There is this part of London called “Highgate,” and I used to get the local news there for years. For a while this warlock (read nut) was going out to the local cemetery (where Karl Marx is buried, btw) and digging up bodies and moving them around. Anyway…They would always list his full address. Can you imagine what was going on on THAT block?

  12. Washington "I NEVER Answer My Phone" Cube

    This Corey thing was driving me nuts. Honest, Velv, it’s up to you to report. It turns out Corey is a talented middle school (YES!) Lacrosse player who, I might add, in another article proclaims himself “unedcuated, but good at Lacrosse.” I was studying those boy’s chests thinking, “Why are they so hairless in high school?” so “Middle School” explains that. But reporting on Middle School lacrosse? Floored me.

    And yes, Nancy Katz has a dead tooth and receding teeth. She also looks pretty beat up, with weariness or abuse, I’m not sure.

    I can’t decide who depresses me the most: those awkward boys, those sadly weird educators, the Wii fitness trainer, abused Nancy, the gay banker, but I think poor “I always answer my phone,” Nick Carter “Associate” Broker wins. You really should have drunk dialed him at 2 a.m. Someone who says they always answer their phone is asking for it.

  13. Phil

    Wow – what is this newspaper? I demand 5 subscriptions to it.

  14. Luna

    There is an online version of the paper, but sadly, the open line section doesn’t appear on it (at least there haven’t been any entries in the past few days that I’ve checked). Ah well.

  15. michelle

    i hadn’t checked this in a while, and now i’m crying. CRYING. when you abandon this blog, could you just get the rehoboth paper and make fun of it for me? plsthx.

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