Attention deficit disordered post coming your way tonight.
OMG OMG OMG. By some stroke of luck (or fate, since neither Lily nor I believe in “God”) she has a major lead on something that just might get her the hell out of the Vortex. I don’t want to say too much for fear of the big-jinx, in which I also believe. Yes. You read that correctly. I believe in fate and jinxes, but not in God. I also believe that one day that vintage Halston jumpsuit will be mine, though I’ve never been able to find it anywhere. Anyway, if this Lily thing works out the way we’re hoping, she could actually exact the ultimate revenge. Do not fuck with the woman who is 9 months pregnant!
The Story I Was Going to Tell About Last Weekend Before Work Sucked Me Up and Spit Me Out:
X and I went out to Delaware last Saturday. Our community was having a little soiree at the firehouse. (Don’t ask.) After my long awaited debut-diatribe on the community message boards, I garnered myself a following. I had communicated with a couple people, one of whom asked me to come to this get-together. In a rare moment very unlike him, X agreed.
When we walked in to the party we realized two things. 1) We were several decades well below the average age of attendees, (X said I should be in good company since I “like my men older,”) and 2) We did not have enough beer. Lucky for us it’s a small town and the liquor store happens to be attached to the firehouse. I didn’t bring my wallet so I had to take X’s and leave him alone with a guy and his “houseguest.” Houseguest is apparently a Delaware euphemism for gay gay gayety gay gay. Leave it to us to go all the way out there and meet the gay neighbor and his “houseguest,” who happens to live in Adams Morgan. When I got to the liquor store I got ID’d. Busted! I showed the guy some gray hair and convinced him I wasn’t 21. He said, “I don’t know, you look 24 to me.”
Then I gave him X’s Debit card and he said, “Are you his wife?” I lied. Then he said, “Well you’ll have to do debit because you would have to sign for credit. Do you know his pin?”
A little bubble appeared over my head and took me back to the day last winter where I helped X move out of his old place to where he lives now. X sent me off to the ATM to get money for the movers. At the time, there was discussion of his pin being his ex-wife’s birthday. He said he would change it to my birthday.
Back to the liquor store. The guy says, “You need to get the pin right or the sale won’t go through.” I sat there debating – did X change his pin or not? I didn’t have my cell so I couldn’t call him and I was too lazy and buzzed to walk back over to the party without the beer. I said to the liquor store dude, “Well, here goes. It’s either my birthday or his ex-wife’s.” So I picked. I heard that telltale register tape cranking away, indicating I chose the right pin.
The guy at the liquor store said, “Well? Which birthday was it?” I said, “The Ex wife’s. Can you believe that shit? How old did you say I looked? I might have to come back here later.”
I have JURY DUTY! YAY!!!! I’ve never been so excited to have jury duty! I hope they pick me and put me on a three week trial! Wish me luck!
All fingers and toes crossed.
Seriously??? Change your pin!
Jury duty …. I refuse to cheer or boo. I just hope you’re soon graced with a position that allows you to feel the appropriate emotions one should feel upon being faced with a summons to jury duty.
Maybe that blindfolded lady with the scales and her boyfriend Fate will get you out of jury duty somehow.
The ex? OK, now I’m irritated at X!
You haven’t been to Delaware until you’ve seen some Vietnamese drag queen named “Miss Corn on the Cob.” Firehouses are the town hall in Delaware: bingo, spaghetti dinners, plaque awardin’, fund raisin’, Happy 83rd Birthday Junior sign out front. Cows across the road moo mooin’, fire trucks roo rooin’, drunks driving puke pukin’. Delaware is one step from West Virginia in passing a law to make eating road kill legal.
And yeah…you get back to D.C. and the guy carrying the train for Miss Corn Cob, his significant other, is next seen on C-Span sitting behind some man with his hair sliding off his head, name plaque whispering and turns out to be Senior Counsel on the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee.
P.S. I love Mr. X having Ms. X’s birthday as his PIN….STILL. THAT is a man who is “pure guy.” Men don’t think about this shit.
Things must be really bad at work if you are looking forward to jury duty. Congrats on getting carded. I wanted to hug the last guy who carded me at about your age.
YAY to you for getting carded….there is always a way to get more beer…..hehehe.