Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

There’s the Door, What’re You Waiting For?

Dear Lily:

Since your doctor decided to schedule you for a C-Section this Friday, and you aren’t coming back to work, here’s what you have missed.

Your “boss,” Bipolar Betty, sent the entire company an email that had links to some articles that were supposed to encourage us to contribute to the 401K. When I clicked the links to the articles, they both indicated that if one chose to contribute to a 401K, there is a new incentive that could put $2000 back in your pocket. Upon further reading, it is revealed that the income cap to enjoy the full benefit begins at $15,000 and is phased out at around $26,000. I’m sorry, but does anyone at our company make $26,000 or less? No? Not even the receptionist? Huh. Well then, I wonder why she would send this link to all of us.

Then for some reason, one of my bosses, decided to email the entire company a list of how not to get Swine Flu. This list included such nuggets like “Don’t touch your face,” and “Clean out your nasal cavity with a flushing system.” I believe it actually named products intended for this purpose.   This email, since it went to all of us, also went to Bipolar Betty. She in turn repackaged that puppy, and reforwarded it back to us all, with a disclaimer: “I received this from one of our employees.” Yeah. We know. We were ALL ON THE ORIGINAL EMAIL.

As X would say, Who is guarding the Brain Trust?

Then, lest you think you are were the only one working in the Rocket Science Lab, let me tell you about the last 5 minutes of MY day.

I received an email from aforementioned Swine Flu Emailing Boss, asking me “Why is there a rotating film strip on our website??? Velvet???? Do you know??? anything???? about?????? this????????????????”

You know, those question marks are very very accusatory.

I replied, to all, much as he set up the original email: “I’m not sure what you are talking about, however, if you are referring to the current web page, then please be advised that that is the original proof you approved about one year ago and it has been active on our site with no revisions since October, 2008.” I mean, if you’re going to imply I messed something up, and copy Jesus Christ, God and the Pope on it, you may want to check your facts.

I could get in to the drama you missed last week, where the accusations of “alcoholic” and “being drunk at work” were tossed in various directions, how one of my work friends is giving her notice tomorrow, but frankly, it is all too much for me. I have to take myself a clonnie and chase it with half a beer and get ready to face another day in that fucking zoo.

Three days till your son is born!



  1. Lily

    Just keep reminding me how ridiculous that place is and how lucky I am to be off for a few weeks! To say I don’t miss it would be the understatement of a lifetime.

    How did we get sucked into this BLACK HOLE? Oh, I remember…my “friend”‘s husband got me the interview. But, it turns out he was one of the miserable people. If you hate it there, why did you get me the job asshole?

  2. StepfordWife

    October 2008? Okay, I can’t believe that a) you’ve worked at that vortex for over a year now and b) you haven’t killed anyone yet.

  3. mama

    You clearly work in the seventh level of hell, but I must say that I swear by those nasal flushing systems. Neti Pot FTW!

  4. Meghan

    How you make it through your day without sweeping that place with automatic weapon ammunition is beyond me. I truly believe that, for the most part, you would be bettering society. Some people are just too stupid to live.

    On a related note, a small part of me is beginning to understand why most serial killers have genius IQ levels.

  5. Velvet

    Lily – I could ask your friend’s husband that very question when I see him, but every time I bump into him, he just stares at my boobs. I hear he does that to everyone though.

    StepfordWife – I started working there a few days after KitKat was born. So it’s a year and a half. Can you believe that shit?

    Mama – An old boyfriend of mine had to use the Neti Pot to flush his nasal cavity to “prevent” snoring. It didn’t work.

    Meghan – OOH! Automatic Ammunition! Do they make such a thing? I must investigate!!!!

  6. Washington Cube

    I don’t have much to say right now. I will say this. Your response back to her where you jump in and get right back in her face with her own stupidity? Brave and wonderful. Yes. But. Also a strong indicator that it is time to go and skidderoo, kiddoo.

    P.S. Most of us go to work to earn money and survive. Remember our waxing lady and her inappropriate touching incident? At least you didn’t get THAT on your plate.

  7. Phil

    I love emails from people with punctuation strewn all throughout…as if they’re hyperventilating or something.

  8. JohnnyDC

    Dear HR;

    Velvet has somehow changed the web page.

    While drunk.

    In between her two hour chats.

    Now please excuse me, time for my sixth cigarette break.

    Mr. Jerkin Memerkin

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