Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Can See Your Expression When the Phone Rings

Maybe it was a bad idea to let my parents pick the Justice of the Peace. It’s no secret that the Velvet family likes to shop for price.

This past weekend, X and I went to Connecticut to work on some more details. I’m not sure why I thought a “small” wedding of just family and a few friends would be any easier. Damn. You still have to do all the same crap, you just mail less invitations and make less place cards. Yes. Sigh. Place cards. X thought that since it’s such a small group we could let people decide where to sit. Um. No. Have you met my family? We need to make a very strategic plan on who sits where. If we can keep my sister-in-law in a different city from my mom, we’ll be in good shape. When I was first making phone calls for a venue, every Venue Manager said the same thing at first: Describe your perfect wedding.

“Oh, that’s easy. One where my mom doesn’t punch my sister-in-law and one where my dogs can be a part of it.”

This did make everyone laugh. I think they thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

We went to the town hall to apply for the marriage license. Lucky for me, my BFF from high school works there and did the whole thing for us on the spot. No waiting! No blood tests! No proof of X’s divorce! No charge! Thanks Divorcee!!!! (Funny, I know. Even funnier she changed her status on Facebook to “engaged” this morning.)

As she was filling out the license, her co-worker, sitting at a desk behind her, said, “Is Larry marrying you?” I said, “Um, yeah, I think that’s it.” She said, “You’re not getting married at the Motel 6* are you?” I said, “Uh, yes.” She starts shaking her head. “He called here the other day to see if you had applied for your license yet. He said someone called him and said his daughter was getting married and asked if he would perform the ceremony and he couldn’t remember your names, the location, the date or the time.”

X and I looked at each other and started laughing. Divorcee said this was sort of par for the course with this guy and suggested we keep calling him to remind him. Then she said we should plan to send someone to pick him up. Jesus. Christ. She told me stories about people we went to high school with who never picked up their marriage licenses and she had to run them over to their wedding. Fuck DC, I love small towns.

When we went back to my parents house we told them what happened with the JP. My dad called him right then and gave him the info all over again. He said that the JP lost the paper where he wrote everything down. Wow. Just, wow. I was like, “Um, Dad? We sort of need him.” He kept saying “Don’t worry, don’t worry.”

Yeah. I think we need a Plan B. I told X since we have zero connection to this JP and he might not even show up, maybe we should consider just finding a Greek Orthodox priest to marry us. X is working on that today. Yikes. The only problem is that Greek Orthodox weddings last like three days.

We did get a cake last week. Devils food with cannoli cream. Devils food cakes and cannolis are my two favorite desserts in the whole world, and whoever thought of putting them together is a god damned genius.   As opposed to us picking a JP name out of a hat, at least getting the cake at this bakery felt right. It’s from the same bakery where my mom got my cake for my baptism.

We’re down to 8 weeks people.

*I’m not really getting married at the Motel 6. I promise.**

**It’s Super 8.


  1. Amy

    Why don’t you have one of your trusted friends who are attending the wedding get ordained online. Then if this JP loses it, you will have JP Johnny-on-the Spot do the deed?

  2. Carla

    8 weeks already? Time is flying by! Funny how you need a plan B for dress, for the JP…

    But the cake sounds spectacular! Mine has dulce de leche, and that’s all I know.

  3. Velvet

    Amy – that’s not a bad idea. I should even check and see if someone already has done that. Though the “town” only has 12 approved JP’s, I wonder if that means I can’t hire from the outside.

    Carla – I know! I’m all about backup plans! The funny part is I said to X that it is doubtful I’ll have a Plan B for the one thing I need a Plan B for – you know, that thing that goes wrong at the last minute that you didn’t even think about. Like a fist fight.

  4. Washington Cube

    I wish you would use an Orthodox priest. First of all, a huge group of the wedding party won’t know what the fuck he is saying during the service, but it will “sound” great.

    Have him haul out blessing oil. Have him haul out a big ole smoking ball of incense swinging away. Instead of the traditional white wedding candles, have those Mexican glass encased vigil candles. Pick some oddball Saint like…Expedite, or a Mojo candle to uncross a jinx condition.

    Rethink the flower crowns into ..I dunno…a wedding crown of Doritos. WAIT! Crowns of black olives and feta cheese! Things have definitely got to lighten up.

    I blessed my computer with Greek holy oil once. It’s a long story.

  5. Divorcee

    Hey little tidbit but make sure whomever you have as backup for the JP is able to marry in CT…..that would be just the luck, you have to run over the border and then come back….LOL…..Thanks for the publicity! Can’t wait for the big day!

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