Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

The Best of El Guapo: Think of the Deli Meats!

All right, you all wanted to see it. Here’s his pic.

El Guapo:

Gracias for all your hard work yesterday. You have proven yourself to be the Numero Uno funny man of the D.C. Blog scene. I have an incredible urge to stick my tongue in your boca. But since you will not present yourself, I shall continue cruising Craigslist for dorks.

In an effort to thank you, I hereby present to you, this shrine. An Ode to El Guapo. Here are your best lines, used on AngryMan.

  1. I love to curl up with a man while he watches sports. It makes me feel perfect.
  2. Yes, I get manicures and penicures regularly. (Freudian slip?)
  3. I don’t have very strong hands, but I can do other things to make my lover happy
  4. Other treatments for my body? Well, yes, but I have to find that special someone to help me with that.
  5. You sound so big and strong I’m sure you could just flip me over so easily. What would you do then? Would you pour some candle wax on me? Would you mind if I turned you over and poured candle wax on you?
  6. My favorite thing to do in the bedroom is to tie up my partner. I have velvet rope that I use. I like to control him
  7. I’ve always wanted to use food during lovemaking. This sounds weird, but I like spicy food, so I would like to pour Tabasco sauce on my lover’s chest and lick it off. It would be spicy on my tounge and hot on his chest. Then I would kiss him for him to feel the heat.
  8. Yes. I have been with a woman. Is this ok with you? It was a very strange relationship that my brothers found out about. It was a very messy situation, but this was in Brazil, so they cannot do anything to my lovers here. It was wonderful. I met her while I was volunteering at a school for the blind. I still think about her on rainy nights.
  9. I touched myself last night while thinking about you. I didn’t have my vibrator, so I used one of the whiskey bottles in the mini-bar. I know it’s kinky, but I needed something. The label was peeling a little bit and it felt good.
  10. Have you ever stuck anything in you? I like doing that sometimes. I think it’s hot when a man is masculine enough to admit that feels good. Would you be ok with my doing that?
  11. I was with my female lover about 5 years ago. She was blind, but beautiful. She could not speak very well because of surgeries, but she could touch. We spent most of the time in bed because she couldn’t walk without the use of canes
  12. I would sit on her face for hours while she made me orgasm over and over. It took some getting used to her hands being always in a fist, but I eventually used that to my advantage.
  13. Paul, I need to know about your size. Please tell me.
  14. His response: “my name is not paul.”
  15. It is true, I had made love to my business partner Paul, but that was one time in a drunken night in Singapore. There were others as well. He doesn’t mean anything to me John! He was just there and it slipped.
  16. Please Paul. Have your friend come and meet us. I can watch you two make love while I touch myself like you wanted.
  17. Please Paul. You must be aware of what the Patriot actually covers. Unfortunately, lustful e-mails is not one of them.
  18. Paul, please, think of all of the deli meats we can eat off of each other. Please, do not be vindictive with your imaginary uses of law. I beg of you

El Guapo, I might be in love with you. You made personas en todo el mundo laugh yesterday.

Much Amor y besitos,



  1. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    El Munco?

    El Guapo, you made many, many of us laugh yesterday. Muchisimas gracias, amigo.

  2. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    Oh! And the pointing – THE POINTING! It’s so hot. 😉

  3. Velvet

    eh fuck. I pried a bunch of keys off my laptop so I could clean it. Now everytime I hit D, it throws a C in there. Damn. I’ll fix it.

  4. always write

    That photo is dark. And shady.

  5. I-66

    What the crap? I can barely see him.

  6. Velvet

    Click on it!

    Get your clicks on I 66.

  7. HomeI'mprovementNinja

    That guy looks like a mysogynist. The military haircut, the shoes by the door, flag and neatness smack of a potential abuser, IMHO. The cheap miniblinds and pottery barn decor that doesn’t quite mesh with the arlington townhouse-condo architecture. The self-portrait taken with a timer (but made to look like someone else took it spontaneously) is particularly disturbing. Does this guy have NO friends that can snap a pic of him?

  8. A Unique Alias

    OH MY GOD!!
    It just keeps getting funnier!!!! hahahah whiskey bottle from the hotel minibar hahahahah

  9. law-rah

    my favorite: “think of all of the deli meats we can eat off of each other”

  10. Siryn

    He looks like some stereotypical neocon peckerhead.

    And the little beer gut is SUCH turn-on. Just like the scads of remote controls on the table.

    This is so awesome. Haha!!

    I heart both of you.

  11. HomeI'mprovementNinja

    YOu think that’s bad. Look at those pants. It looks like he’s about to start singing “DON’T STOP…HAMMER TIME!”.

  12. El Guapo in DC

    Velvet, you are bad. His picture….

    Hey! That’s my padre’s belt! I recognize the metal tip anywhere.

    Mucho Amor,

    El Guapo

  13. Tnuc

    Please, say it ain’t so! Expressing any positive reaction to me will cause you to become ‘persona non grata’ in the DC blog arena.
    Facetiousness, that’s it! your only defense!
    Effluvia! the word for the weekend!

  14. BMW

    Hellarious! Velvet and El Guapo, you two kept me entertained on my lunch break today!

  15. Velvet

    tnuc – I have dated many a schlub. I don’t care if I’m the renegade. I would love to have a date with you where you whisper such flowing flowery words in my ear. But be forewarned: All will be told on my blog.

    I’ve dated almost everyone in D.C. Ask your friends!

    You must know that El Guapo will always be my second love. You are not the first. That would be my dogs. But, you can get into 3rd place if you want.

  16. Tnuc

    ‘I have dated many a schlub.’

    What of the schlubettes?

    I have never been to DC. I have spent only 3 months in North America in the last 6 years.
    I am a widow who is a Canadian citizen, born in The Country Formerly Known As Palestine.
    My hubby was killed by the FARC folks in Colombia.
    He got a few of them first, I helped!
    I am a Physician.
    I ‘volunteer’ with MSF now.
    I am a W.A.S.P, parents were Canadian diplomat wankers.
    I was educated in Toronto, London and Boston.
    I seem to have annoyed all and sundry around these parts.
    I was only trying to be funny!
    I am a member of the homogametic sex.
    I have fully functioning fingers and a yearning for the ‘Pearl on the Step’ now and again.
    A Unique Alias…. has blocked me as he has issues with me, I think.
    I-66….. deletes my comments as I am an idiota. That I am!

    Still Game?
    I can’t visit too often as a Vien Tien-Bangkok-New York-DC flight is 27 hours! I’ll be in Niger in the fall, fancy a safari?, you little estate agent you.

  17. Tnuc

    I am in Toronto as we speak. Alas, I’ve no time for a DC tryst at this juncture.
    I am 30, started Uni at 16! I is one smart cunt, I is.

  18. whiskypants

    La Puta Madre of all burns. Brilliantly executed! And I will never look at lunch meat the same…

  19. Velvet

    Tnuc: You call yourself a “cunt.” Are you…gasp…a girl? Eau!! I must retract all my offers of a date. Velvet doesn’t swing that way.


    P.S. I still love you El Guapo

  20. El Guapo in DC

    Miguel and I were looking at that picture and he thinks that is a blood pressure machine on his table. Que pasa con eso?

    Mucho Amor,

    El Guapo

  21. Washington Cube

    Yeah..I just noticed the blood pressure machine. The man is obviously a…Republican. The round mirror is a dead giveaway that he reads Thomas Jefferson. He has coasters for his coffee table, sneakers in line, blood pressure in line, got his remotes ready. Obviously got some OCD working. I wish we could see what’s in his refrigerator. Do you think he has luncheon meats? Those would be neatly stacked. Bread is tidy, too. I don’t think this man would be into hot wax during sex. Too messy.

  22. Siryn

    Notice he didn’t really respond to Mercedes’ questions about his likes and dislikes other than the vanilla response about lingerie. Emotional manipulator!

  23. Velvet

    Siryn – he also coyly avoided (three times) the penis size question.

  24. Tnuc

    Velvet expanse,
    Am I a girl? If I need to be. I engaged a well orchestrated gamut to get banned from the ‘Machismo’ sites. They don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses! I did, however, kill some FARC folks though….With a BIG gun to! I am a widower, I guess.

    Like Julius Caesar: A King to every Queen; A Queen to every King!

    Tish, You speak French!
    Eau: water

    I always believed it to be Ewww!

  25. Tnuc

    I am still a cunt, by the way. You say in your profile that you ‘like all things British’; in the UK only males can be cunts! It is a oft used term of endearment, not unlike kissy-face, smootchy-bear, huggy-bug.


  26. Tnuc

    errr, make that ‘an oft’

  27. Velvet

    Tnuc: Whatever drugs you’re taking up there in Canada, please send to Velvet; Washington D.C.

    Don’t worry. They know me here. My dog just bit the mailman.

  28. Bilious Cunt

    I can prescribe my own too!
    Oh, new name and blog for ya all!


  29. Foilwoman

    Wow. Disaster dating for real. Except, thank heavens, you didn’t date the guy.

  30. Briggsy

    I’m not proud of myself for laughing at the humliation of another. But laugh I did – again and again, thanks El Guapo, Velvet and Dating is Hell for the steer in the 1st place. My favourite part ? Calling him Paul by mistake. Classic.

1 Pingback

  1. Daily Horoscope

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

© 2024 Velvet in Dupont

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑