Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

El Guapo Fucks Up

Oh no. We’ve gone too far. His responses are italicized. I’ll guide you in parenthesis.

(From AngryMan)
Yes, I wear underwear. I think most guys do. I wear boxers or the boxer/brief combination. Hey, speaking of pictures, do you have any pictures you can send me? Diane sent me two, but I wanted to see more of you. I have never done the wax thing, but would be willing to try. I am pretty open minded in the bedroom. Are you? What are your favorite things to do in bed? Please tell. I like a woman to wear lingerie for me. To model it and show off your body to me. Seduce me with your body and get me so hot for you. When is your flight home?
(From Mercedes)
I’m on my company laptop. I don’t have any more pictures. I’m sorry. 🙁 I loooooooooove boxer briefs. You make me so excited that you are into new things in the bedroom. I’m very adventurous and will try anything if I trust my lover. My favorite thing to do in the bedroom is to tie up my partner. I have velvet rope that I use. I like to control him, but I promise in a good way. I’ve always wanted to use food during lovemaking. This sounds weird, but I like spicy food, so I would like to pour Tabasco sauce on my lover’s chest and lick it off. It would be spicy on my tounge and hot on his chest. Then I would kiss him for him to feel the heat. Would you like this?

Brazil is known for it’s lingerie. I will stop by and pick up a couple of things this weekend. My flight leaves Manaus in the morning, but it goes to SP, Houston, then DC. I will be arriving late on Sunday. Will you be up?

Tell me what you would do to me. Have you ever had a threesome? I’ve always been curious about that.

(Obv, from AngryMan)

Your flight leaves Sunday morning? How long of a flight is it?

I love lingerie. Buy some or just wear what you have at home. I am sure it is as sexy as can be.

I am open minded in the bedroom so we can discuss doing whatever you want to do. Yes, I would love to have a threesome. That would be fun. Although, I would want to be with just you and get some trust between us. That would make the threesome much better. Have you ever been with a woman?

Do you touch yourself alot when you are on the road? I want to watch you do that. I assume you wax or shave?
(From Mercedes)
The flight is long. I will be leaving very early. Around 7AM in Brazil and only getting to DC near 11 PM.

Yes. I have been with a woman. Is this ok with you? It was a very strange relationship that my brothers found out about. It was a very messy situation, but this was in Brazil, so they cannot do anything to my lovers here. It was wonderful. I met her while I was volunteering at a school for the blind. I still think about her on rainy nights.

But yes, a threesome is only to be done when trust is formed.

I will touch myself in front of you if you do the same. I am completely waxed. Very Brazilian. 😉

Will you touch yourself too? Are you big or small or medium? Tell me specifics. I am very tiny, so I need to be careful with that regard.

What is your fantasy?
(AngryMan ain’t so angry anymore)
Yes, the fact that you have been with a woman is fine with me. I would love for you to tell me all about it. How long ago was it? Please give me details. I would love to hear every detail about it.

How often do you touch yourself? Have you done so thinking about me?

Every guys fantasy is to be with two or three beautiful women at the same time. I would love to do that.

I also love to have a woman wear lingerie when I get to her house. She has it on and leads me to the bedroom where candles are lit and she wants to be romantic and make love all night. I love the body rubs as I mentioned and the touch of a beautiful confident and sexy woman.

When was the last time you were with a man?
(Mercedes again!)
I touched myself last night while thinking about you. I didn’t have my vibrator, so I used one of the whiskey bottles in the mini-bar. I know it’s kinky, but I needed something. The label was peeling a little bit and it felt good. Have you ever stuck anything in you? I like doing that sometimes. I think it’s hot when a man is masculine enough to admit that feels good. Would you be ok with my doing that?

I was with my female lover about 5 years ago. She was blind, but beautiful. She could not speak very well because of surgeries, but she could touch. We spent most of the time in bed because she couldn’t walk without the use of canes. She had red hair and was beautiful. I would sit on her face for hours while she made me orgasm over and over. It took some getting used to her hands being always in a fist, but I eventually used that to my advantage. She was the only woman I ever really loved.

I have been with other women with my lovers, but I don’t count those. I do it for them. I do anything to keep them happy.

Paul, I need to know about your size. Please tell me.
(Uh oh. AngryMan is BAACK.)
my name is not Paul.
Oh no! John, please I am sorry. Paul is a business partner who was talking to me when I was writing. I feel so embarrassed! Please, I am so sorry.
Well, Mercedes.

I need you to call me or for me to call you. I understand you are out of the Country, but provide me with a phone number and I will call you.
I am afraid that I am too embarrassed to continue with you. I did not want to make you feel small by calling you a different name. I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes.

And to think that I had all these plans and you were making me so excited to meet someone special and then this happened.

I deserve this. You are too sweet of a man to have to have someone call you by another name.

It is true, I had made love to my business partner Paul, but that was one time in a drunken night in Singapore. There were others as well. He doesn’t mean anything to me John! He was just there and it slipped. I’m sorry.

Please, if you want, I will give you my flight information and you can meet me at Dulles on Sunday.

Give me your phone number.
I am in Brazil using the comp’s cell for business.

Have you lost all faith in me? Be honest.
(To Both of Us)
Well you two, whoever you are.

I hope you had your fun for the day.

I am not quite sure you are looking to get out of stringing guys along like this. Have you ever heard of Karma? What goes around comes around?

I would like to be there when it gets back to you two.
John please. This is my sister in law. Please do not bring her into this. Please. I beg you. This is just between you and me.
(Another from AngryMan.)
Why are you two playing games.

Being so dishonest and lying about everything is not very cool.

I have a couple of buddies who work down the hall if you know what I mean. They have access to email accounts – especially g-mail. This will be very fun for me.
(A third from AngryMan.)
I am going to have so much fun with you. Ahhhhhh……………..sweet revenge.

I just hung up with a buddy of mine who consults for DHS. He is going to help me with this.
(El Guapo tries once more…)
Please Paul. Have your friend come and meet us. I can watch you two make love while I touch myself like you wanted. Please, do not e-mail my sister in law Diane.
(Using his first line of introduction with me from my Craigslist ad. – Hello, didn’t I say men always tell us who they are in the first five minutes?)
you are a fucking idiot.
(El Guapo, blatantly calling him by wrong name.)
Paul, please, this could be special. Do not be angry.
(AngryMan is ANGRY.)


BTW – g-mail is apparently very open to providing information using the Patriot Act.

Thought you should know.
(El Guapo, in his funniest of all comebacks:)
Please Paul. You must be aware of what the Patriot actually covers. Unfortunately, lustful e-mails is not one of them.

Paul, please, think of all of the deli meats we can eat off of each other. Please, do not be vindictive with your imaginary uses of law. I beg of you
(Diane tries to write back.)
Damn you two. What happened? I just got back from a meeting and saw all these emails. Goodness.

Oh well, Mercedes – I tried. Sounds like he’s a pecker anyway.

And you, John – you’re ready to tell all your friends at work what you wrote to Mercedes? Ha. I doubt it.
Diane receives this:

I probably shouldn’t post his picture, but I’m more than happy to email it to anyone who asks.


  1. Johnny

    I’ll pass on mr. psycho’s pictures.

    Dont believe that DHS stuff. They have to have an legitimate reason to investigate stuff besides, my friend was cruising CL for tail.

  2. Siryn

    I’m curious!!

    Send it. And better yet… post it here on the net. That would make him think twice about abusing the government’s resources as a revenge tactic.

  3. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    Um, how exactly is what you did illegal??

    El Guapo, I officially heart you. You are hilarious.

  4. Crazy Girl City

    Haha. What a tool.

    Yes, like Johnny said……..DHS crap is BS.

  5. Jamy

    Again, laughing too hard to tell you how wrong, wrong, wrong this was.

    It just felt so right.

  6. B2

    Oh…my…god…i almost peed my pants reading all of that! By all means…lets get a look at him…lunchmeat…too funny…I wish I had said that…

  7. Pretty in Pink

    Reading this was the best thing I did all day. I love you both. Pass the whiskey bottle.

  8. Anonymous

    I laughed, I cried, I peed in my pants… two thumbs up from this critic.

  9. playfulindc

    If you’re giving, I’m receiving!

    This is too much fun! Remind me to stay on your good side~

  10. AsianMistress


    How different from this!

    That is all.

  11. Jo

    Geeeeeeezuz Velvet… you are SO fucking wrong!!!! I love you 🙂

  12. Washington Cube

    Paul? We heart you.

  13. Namaste

    Holy shiiiiiiiiiit! You are a riot!

  14. always write

    I wish I had cojones like you two. That was fucking brilliant.

  15. A Unique Alias

    It’s funny how quickly the troller became the trollee, and then started sniffling and threatening and crying.

  16. marie

    Oh, puh-leeeease post the picture! That shit was too funny!!

  17. Wicked H


    I’d like to see the pic!  

  18. Velvet

    spring-loaded said…
    Bravo,Velvet and El Guapo, Bravo. Loved every bit of it. May there be more collaborations to come.

    1/28/2006 12:09:39 AM

    Stef said…
    Whiskey bottle from the mini-bar? Label coming off?

    That was some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read! Bravo!

    1/28/2006 05:20:27 PM

    Mandy said…
    Oh, that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a loooooooooong time…

    You guys are sick, sick, sick. In the best possible way, of course.

    1/30/2006 12:44:49 AM

    casey said…
    This is brilliant….and sick. I just didn’t get to read the part about why he deserved it in the first place.

    2/11/2006 01:02:35 PM

  19. QueenofPreen

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. You should write a book. Your blog is better than satc. Do I smell a miniseries? haha.

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