Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Know I Could Have Loved You But You Would Not Let Me

Ugh. I am feeling not myself today. Actually, I haven’t been myself in almost a week. Last week I promised myself and you all that I would be raring to go on Monday, and Monday is here. Sigh, I’m oh so not in the mood to rejoin the regularly scheduled programming.

I had to decompress and try to figure out the source of my hellaciously bad mood. And here it comes: The list.

  1. I have gained weight. Damn. I hate this. It makes me miserable enough to not leave the house. So, I’m back to eating right and have to drop my extra fluff. Don’t blame it on the holidays because I didn’t go home and didn’t do any extraneous eating. Blame it on me eating out every damn day.
  2. Where in the hell did CL#4NewJersey go? Where? What the hell is wrong with him? I’m so angry about this flaky disappearance that I feel like emailing him and saying, “Damn, I didn’t know you were dead. I hope I didn’t miss the funeral.” I’ve collected some varying opinions on doing this, but, it led me to having this other train of thought. Exiting list mode now.

Am I just too passive in relationships? I know of a handful of women who literally hold the reins in their relationships. I don’t want to be this woman, but I think that so many men have proven themselves to be wishy washy, that women have learned to take the lead on relationship items. It’s not my style to call CL#4NewJersey and hound him because I’m of the “He’s Just That Not Into Me” school. But would another woman allow this to go on? Would another woman allow him to flake out like this without an appropriate excuse?

Some could argue that it was only three dates and that I have no right to contact him, fishing to find out what went wrong. But, it was three intense dates. While there was no sex, I detailed the conversation and things that happened on said dates. The man acted like he was into more with me than just someone to hang out with. Non-stop laughing people. Non-stop laughing. I’m not even sure what contacting him will yield. Even if he said, “Let’s go out tonight,” right now I feel like all these games and the lack of contact has made me lose interest – interest in him, but I haven’t lost interest in finding out what his deal is.

Damn am I in a bad mood.


  1. Johnny

    I dont wish to rile you up, sweets, but when I was on the lam I had a “if I dont have sex in three dates I SWEAR someone is going to die” thing going on.

    Course, this sailor had been out at sea for a VERY long time and I needed some velvet lovin bad.

  2. Sandra Dee

    I hate that men have become so lazy when it comes to holding the reins. They know the women will do it and they won’t have to think and do for themselves. Stupid men. I can’t help it that I’m old school!

  3. marie

    hey, velvet..
    yes, i think you should definitely call him.. just to see what he’s got to say.. his disappearing act is obviously bothering you, so you need to know what “went wrong” (if anything). i think it’s a win-win situation ’cause one of these two things is going to happen:
    1. you’ll finally get some closure
    2. he’ll realize you’re interested (he’s maybe going through the same thing you are) and decide to keep in contact..

    i dunno.. i’m just saying..
    worst case scenario, you’ll realize ‘he’s not that into you’, but at least you’ll know.. and not be left wondering “what would’ve happened if i had been less passive and tried a little harder”.
    i know it’s hard to put yourself out there, but i think you’ll see it’s worth it.. DO IT!!

  4. Velvet

    Reya – sorry, I had to delete your comment. You outed me by name! Bad girl! But here’s what you wrote:

    Reya Mellicker said…
    I’m sorry you’re feeling cranky. You are fabulous, more than you even know. Forget NJCL#4. As soon as you work through whatever it is you’re working on in this blog, a great love will enter your life. I predict that at that time you will sit down and write a novel which will become a best seller. There is such a fantastic, wicked, insightful, delicious book in you, just beyond these reports on your internet dates, just a bit further down the road. I see it. Do you? Keep the faith, don’t worry about your weight. Keep writing. xx to you.

  5. Jamy

    Will you believe me if I tell you that you look fantastic? I understand feeling bad about gaining weight, but you don’t have anything to be worried about.

    You know what I think about calling. Call if you want to. If you are spending a lot of time thinking about it, it’s better to do it and get it out of your system.

    I do not think you are passive in most areas of your life, but perhaps you are regarding men. Perhaps this is a way to keep from getting hurt?

  6. chicgirl

    don’t call him. i know why you want to and have done the same myself. but, in the end, the ones that got reignited were still playing a game and it just prolonged all the bs about to come my way. you need to just realize he is bad news – not looking for what you are with anyone right now.

    i know it sux:(

  7. playfulindc

    I believe that this post is all about control (in a good way). You want to take off a few pounds, so you are getting that control back of your eating. You want to figure out what happened with CL New Jersey, but…

    Ah! There it is.

    There are some things (our weight) that we can change. There are somethings (another person) that we cannot. The only thing we can do is have action within ourselves. So, to call or not to call…how much control do you want to have?

  8. Sharkbait

    I don’t think you should call. You are strong, and yeh it does stink and you wish you knew what was up…but then he wins. At least in my mind.

    It will work itself out and time will tell.

    I still think you look hot, so hit the gym a tad and you will be great.

    Duh cause you’re a greek goddess.

    Sorry-don’t have much cause of everything that’s going on, but I do feel for ya and lurve you!

  9. Larissa

    if you’ve already lost interest, then why call? but if you want closure, than I say go for it. True, I haven’t met you in person, but you seem like such a fun and vivacious person that I really think he’s missing out. Still sucks I know, but it’s his loss nonetheless. Perk up girl!

  10. Foilwoman

    Velvet, Velvet, Velvet: Men are cheap and men are easy. They’re also a dime a dozen. Don’t worry about being too “easy on them” or “hard on them”. Just know what you want. Availability and enthusiasm are good traits to look for. When a guy goes away, how should I say this delicately, . . . don’t wait, go get another guy. They’re out there. On Craig’s List, on the Metro, over at my house (oh, whoops, not right now). Unless you and NJdoofus have made some sort of commitment that I don’t know about, you’re single, he’s single, you’re looking, he’s looking, and, whoops, he’s not here. Look some more. He can come back and grovel if he’s interested. Otherwise, he shouldn’t get two blinks out of your new contact lenses. JMHO, of course. And worth what you paid for it. Don’t dump him, don’t lecture him, don’t talk about how he should treat you. Find someone who treats you better and he can adjust when he finds out.

    Oh, I liked your “Worst Date Ever” post and made a comment there, decades after the fact.

  11. DireWolf

    Closure. Ha. No such thing. He wasn’t interested enough to pursue you. Well that sucks, but that’s the only closure you’ll likely get, that he wasn’t interested enough to keep at it.

    If you call, you’ll either get ignored, or he’ll give you a reason. His reason could be the real reason, or it could be bullshit. You’ll never know, and since you don’t trust him now, you probably won’t be satisfied with his answer if he gives one. And whatever his answer is, it won’t be good enough because the bottom line is that he’s not interested enough, and that’s what’s really bothering you. You got rejected.

    It happens. It’s not about you, it’s about him. Better than you concentrate your energy on things that are NOT some guy who rejected you.

    Too much good in the future to worry about this short term fiasco in the past.


  12. Velvet

    Johnny – As always, your comments make me giggle.

    Sandra Dee – True true. It seems to be what I’m figuring out now.

    Marie – Loved your entire comment, but then I started doubting myself when I kept reading comments from others.

    Reya – Thanks, but I’m not so sure I believe in the great love anymore.

    Jamy – thanks, but the Velv is about 15 lbs heavier than the days when I was footloose and fancy free. And yes, this passivity is a mechanism to avoid getting hurt. Doesn’t always work.

    Chic Girl – I know you are right, that I won’t really get an answer I want, but I just can’t help it.

    Playful – You are RIGHT. You and my therapist would be buds. I have an incredible need to control all areas of my life, but leave the guy thing to chance. I don’t get it.

    Sharkie – You haven’t seen me in a couple months though. Hibernation ain’t done good for me.

    Larissa – Yep. I want the closure.

    Foilwoman – I wasn’t planning on dumping him or giving him a lecture. Just, well, I’ll know if I do it I suppose.

    Direwolf – Just when I have it all figured out, there you are to shit on it. But then, you are the male voice speaking up in this. Well, if you don’t count Johnny. Sorry Johnny!! Anyway, I suppose I need to make that one last snarky comment. For myself to feel better.

  13. Johnny

    sorry velvet, no can help u today.

    today is code red on the hornymeter.

    i need some really really rough hair-pulling love today. arrrghhh.

  14. Velvet

    I still love you Johnny.

  15. Bilious Pudenda

    Contact him and call him a ‘Cunt’, and that he is to understand it in the UK way!
    He will be intrigued and query you endlessly on it. Make shite up!

    ‘But, it was three intense dates. While there was no sex,’

    What? My image of the Yankee has been shattered, I am gutted!

  16. Siryn

    I am with Direwolf. The reason he’s going to give you is going to be some wishy washy bullshit.

    Velvet, he’s not worth your time. Remember, he’s a typical CL man (not like Sharky’s CL man). He is out to get some ass, not develop a real relationship. He wants the GFE without the GF.

    You have to chalk this one up to fate – he could be a really good boyfriend, but he’s a shitty boyfriend and a shitty friend while he’s at it.

    Don’t call. It’s not worth your time, and he probably isn’t going to tell you the truth.

  17. Crazy Girl City

    OK the ‘pc’ Dr Phil advice: Don’t call….if he hasn’t contacted you by now, then ‘he’s just not that into you’….you’re better than that……his loss……move onto greener pastures…….blahblahblah.

    The realistic advice? If it’s bothering you this much……even if its just so you can dislike him that much more, then call. He might not answer, and he might not call you back, but at least you can say you tried and probably feel a little bit better. Even though I am sure he is a delightful gent, getting the axe and no call/explanation after 3 dates is just shitty. Nice or not, you’ll feel better writing him off as a dickhead if you just make the call.

  18. El Guapo in DC

    Closure is overrated. It doesn’t exist. There will siempre be remnants of failed relationships in the back of nuestro mind. Querida Velvet, I’m in a mood too.

  19. HomeI'mprovementNinja

    Velvet, you think you feel fat? I just split split my pants while eating a chocolate muffin. I’m a fat ninja.

    I went to buy some pants at lunch and couldn’t decide whether to get pants that are my now weight or pants that will be my weight in a week or two (hopefully). I put on the pants that fit me well and looked at the size and thought…that can’t be right.

  20. marie

    yeah, velvet, i know.. after reading the other comments, even i doubted MY OWN comment.. but after thinking about it, i stand by my opinion..
    while i understand where she’s coming from, i disagree with siryn’s comment that he ‘is out to get some ass’.. you had three dates.. three good dates.. no sex involved, but it’s not like he tried to and you refused.. he stayed over at your house and didn’t get any booty.. i think that says a lot.. it’s obvious he enjoyed your company and conversation as much as you did his..

    oh, and i totally agree with crazy girl city..

    all and all, the comments have been great and it’s interesting to see different points of view, even when they kinda clash with mine.. direwold DID have some very good points.. (damnit!)

    so, what i’m trying to say is that it’s up to you.. just think if this was happening to one of your best friends.. what would you tell her? to take a chance or just try to forget about it?

  21. HomeI'mprovementNinja

    Excuse me, but I was the one who first suggested writing back to get some “closure”. WHy is it more palettable now than when I first suggested it…I’m jus’ sayin’.

  22. Velvet

    Bilious Pudenda – If you don’t start writing useful comments, you will be greeted with “Get off my blog. Don’t come back.”

    Siryn – Of course it’s like me to NOT call. But if I mull it over and don’t call, I won’t stop thinking about it.

    CG – Thanks for validating my feeling about 3 dates with no call.

    El Guapo – Can you put your tongue in my mouth? It would really help me to feel better.

    Ninja – You made me bust my own ass laughing at what you wrote! I love it!

    Marie – Thanks for commenting again. I think I have to call. I have to do something. It’s pissing me off. I do have to remind myself that the guys often have the best point of view. So I hear what Direwolf is saying, but I don’t know that I can let it go – at least to have the opportunity to say that it isn’t cool to let it drift off like this.

    Ninja – I give full credit for this. Yes, you did. You’re right. We all love you! Lovelovelove. How are those cabinets coming along? Oops. Low blow.

  23. Jamy

    I’d like to point out that there is no “wrong” thing to do. It’s not wrong to call. It’s not wrong not to call.

    I recommend doing whichever thing will help you feel better in the long run. Only you know if that is getting in touch with him or not.

  24. Barbara

    I say call NJ. But just be inquisitive, not mean. You’re never going to find out what you want to know if you piss him off.

  25. trueborn

    Well my take is that “if you’re interested you’ll be there.”
    Or you’ll find a way to be there. I totally agree that us men have become “wishy washy” these days, hell most of us won’t even call them dates anymore.
    It’s “Oh, I’m seeing her.”
    “Do you want to hang out sometime?”
    Where is the etiquette? Where is “Can I buy you dinner, you look amazing?”
    I can’t tell you, what I can say is that we have forgotten our way when it comes to stepping up.
    When exactly this happened I cannot tell you, but I will ackowledge the truth of it.
    On the flip side, a woman holding the reins in a relationship knows what we men have always known if they don’t put out any effort, it’s not gonna work.

  26. Stef

    This is a tough one – my instinct would probably be to call, but I know that I myself would probably come off as whiny, which would make the situation worse. If you can pull it off like Barbara suggests, and you don’t think you’ll feel worse about the situation by making a call but not liking how you said things, then go for it. He sounded like a decent guy, just one with a disappearing act. Hopefully he’ll be nice and honest about whatever conversation you have….

  27. Bilious Pudenda

    I am sorry.
    I was not aware that humour was not allowed today.
    I have nothing useful to say regarding your current quandry, as I have never been in such a situation. How do you know that it would not be an effective solution after all?
    I once got a job offer from a company where, during the interview, I answered: ‘ Wild women and alcohol’ to the inane ‘what is your greatest weakness’ question.
    I have seen humourous comments here before. What is our cue as to their permissiveness?

  28. Siryn

    Velvet, I just suspect that you aren’t going to feel any better for having called, so don’t bother. I would feel somewhat foolish venting to some idiot that doesn’t give two shits. It takes away from the impact.

    But truly, it’s your decision and if it’s bothering you that much, then don’t call to inquire – call to make it official and tell him to never call back.

    You see, I hold to my position that he’s a typical CL guy because although he didn’t force the issue, he was most certainly lying in wait for Velvet to make the move and advance the relationship to a sexual one. I do understand that you had 3 intense dates, but a guy that doesn’t step up to the plate after that is probably thinking that you aren’t going to put out, so why bother? That, or he’s got a much larger playing field to occupy his time that will put out.

  29. Velvet

    Sigh. A lot of you guys have misunderstood my intentions on the hypothetical phone call. There’s not going to be any “explaining, questioning, breaking it off, giving him a piece of my mind.” You guys underestimate me. You know how I handle things. Would I ever get on the phone and say, “Whah whah whah, why aren’t you calling me?” I can’t explain myself any further because it’s not doing any good.

  30. Bilious Pudenda

    I will try and put a smile on your lips with the following rendition of my first date with my future wife.
    We met at MBA school in Boston, lo those many years ago. I asked her out to dinner and she accepted. Her father was a Government Minister in Colombia, accordingly, we were accompanied on our first date by her two Body Guards. Tough Hombres, these two; but quite discrete. As she came from wealth I figured that I would have to impress her with the same. That and my wit and charisma. It must be obvious to all that I have almost as much of these two quailities in my entire body as that el guapo does in his left outer-aspect meta-tarsal/phalange! How could she resist me?
    We went to the best, most famous restaurant in Bean Town. She was beautiful and me slovenly by comparison.
    After being seated, she ordered 3 bottles of VERY expensive wine from the sommelier and everything on the menu from the waiter. I counted $1,400 +/- already! I hadn’t even ordered for myself yet! The wine, apparently, was all for her! The total bill ended up being $1900 with tip!
    She actually ate all the food and drank most of the wine through the 2 1/2 hour dinner ordeal. She barely spoke a word! I eventually garnered the courage to say: ‘Goodness, Xxxxxx, do you eat like this at home?’ She quickly responded, with a wicked grin: ‘No, but then again, they don’t expect to fuck me after dinner!’
    I was smitten, Velvet, indeed I was.

    The third date was even better!

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