I had to do something to make myself feel better. I had to. Had had had. So I did something normally reserved for leaner times: I went fishing out of the recycling bin.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. In my Craigslist forays, I’ve met a total of five men. But there was one who escaped me – CL#2BlueEyes. We had incredible email banter (he loves bad date stories too) and some phone messages that never quite got returned – on both parts. Forgetting the score, and not really caring, I shot him an email Monday afternoon. I tested out my line that I wanted to use on CL#4NewJersey. Hope they’re not friends. Anyway, here’s what it said.
Velvet: OMG! What happened to you? Did you die? Should I come to your funeral? I still have Willie Nelson on my phone, you know, if you want to hear it again.
(In previous emails, he made a lot of fun of my ringback songs, Willie being one of them.)
Reply arrives in 1 minute.
CL#2BlueEyes: Arrangements have been made through Pete’s Mortuary. Floral arrangements can be sent to Nashville. This is pretty funny, I was thinking about trying to reconnect with you this weekend!
Well. Well. Well. I could actually complete my collection. First Five Fellows From Fraigslist. Shut up, it sounds dumb if the last word doesn’t start with an “F.” Did I mention this one is hot?
We continued to email, moved to IM and had a great conversation, essentially picking up where we left off six weeks ago. I thought about thanking him for ditching me and leaving me with the others in his CL Graduating Class. Who can forget the likes of CL#1Writer (a.k.a. the octopus) and CL#3TextTormenter (who still calls me) but I figure I can still pretend to be a CL Virgin. He asked what my week looked like, I told him, and he said, “Thursday, 7:30, meet me at X restaurant in Clarendon.” I love a man with a plan. And, Fabu! I’ve recovered. And it sure as shit put a smile on my face. I guess half the disappointment of losing a man in your life is the idea of getting out there again and starting all over. But lucky for me, one was lounging in the recycling bin and had not been taken from the curb.
In other news, I decided to do what I have been pondering. I chose the middle ground and sent CL#4NewJersey a text message. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I hate them and bitch about them. But I didn’t want to send an email, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to call so I could stutter over my words. The text simply said: “It is very sad to hear of your death. But, did I miss the funeral?” Peeps please. Don’t lecture me. I made the right decision for me. It’s snarky, and to me, it gets my point across. It says: “I’ve noticed your untimely disappearance from my life and really just wanted you to know that I know.” It doesn’t cry for a call back, it doesn’t sound needy.
Anyway, a late night text message volley ensued.
CL#4NJ: I just emerged from a coma.
I wanted to sleep on it and figure out what sort of response I would toss back, but he sent another text.
CL#4NJ: You know…my phone accepts incoming calls.
Never one to follow directions, I wrote back instead of calling. I know…I should have called.
Velvet: You are one of the most impossible men I have ever gone out with.
CL#4NJ: I’mpossibly handsome?
Velvet: I don’t know. I forgot what you look like.
CL#4NJ: Go to bed. We’ll talk.
Look. Whatever. I did what I wanted to. So far I have a non-answer, but so what. I know I’m going to get a rash of shit from half of you. But I did the right thing for me. I was stewing all weekend and there was no way I wasn’t going to send some sort of message.
Also, please try to understand something. While I truly enjoy dating, getting shit on by dates, and utilizing other bloggers to torture assholes who prove themselves as such before I find myself out on a date with them, I don’t want to do this forever. I don’t want to wake up at 60 with no family and nothing to look back on because I was a bitter hag while I was dating. I’m trying to bend. I’m trying to release some of my control issues, and as such, I had to say to myself, “What if he’s sitting at home wondering if I even like him?”
I get it. The book the book the book. Fuck that book. What has that book done for me lately? In case anyone was keeping score, I’m still single. The book says if he doesn’t chase me, he’s not interested – I know. But life isn’t black and white. I have had a handful of great relationships and they all needed nurturing and cultivating. Besides, I like this guy. It’s not like the 800 others who I couldn’t stand, ran home from or felt lukewarm about. I’m not getting any younger, and this tough chick attitude isn’t fucking working anymore. So it’s a late New Years resolution-amendment but I’m going to bend and be more flexible with men. And we’ll see where it gets me. By June, I might be eating my words. And for all I know, when he and I “talk” he’ll tell me he’s gay, or the ubiquitous ex-girlfriend popped back in his life.
At least I can say I tried.
Since I’ve written to you about shadow men before, we’ll skip over that part. As for your calling these guys? You went with your gut and did what you had to do (regardless of so called closure issues.)
I don’t think there’s one woman who can explain the man who seems interested, then disappears; the man who says he will call you, then doesn’t. Why do they do it? I do not know. Maybe some of your male readers can fill us in. If El Guapo answers, it’s sure to involve hot wax sex.
I’ve seen a lot of changes in you since I first started reading your blog. A stronger “voice,” for one thing, and by that I don’t mean strident or pushy, but rather a growing self-confidence in your writing and more autonomy over your life (despite Monday’s rant, which I wrote off to a mood.)
Good luck with these men. We can’t control the behavior of others and that’s a fact. You can only put yourself out there, aim for honesty in communication and hope for the best. Hugs and Whatevah.
Velvet, I commend you for going back after #2. He’s decisive, at least. I am not so wild about #4, but it’s your life. I don’t mean to give you shit at all.
But #4 expects you to do all the fucking work. He won’t even engage you and meet you halfway when you’re being the cool chick that you are. I understand and actually applaud being flexible, but don’t do the stupid woman thing and go after someone who is not interested in being a partner. It’s not about the book. I’m with you: fuck the book. But there is a difference between nurturing a relationship and being the only one participating in a relationship. I hope he has balls enough to not let you be the only one.
I also agree with the “screw the book” sentiments, and if you felt like you had unfinished business with the guy, there’s no harm in it, as long as you know what you’re getting into.
Besides, sometimes you just need to feel good about yourself. If either of these guys doesn’t help you do that, they can take a hike. Otherwise, there’s no harm in it. Good luck, and let’s hope that New Jersey doesn’t continue to be such a tool, yes?
Fuck the book! Wow, it feels good to chime in with that.
But I’m glad you got some positive feedback. An old friend of mine used to call it “pi-pi” – a general term to describe any love, attention, positive response, or praise. We all need pi-pi sometimes.
As for #4, I actually thought his response was kinda cute. Like maybe he sensed you were in a “difficult” mood, challenging him, and so his “go to bed, we’ll talk” was acknowledging that but still wanting to continue the conversation. I can easily imagine a guy saying that out loud and meaning it cute-ly.
And have fun Thursday night!!!
What to say? Good for you for taking care of yourself. You set the terms, you decided what you needed and you took control. When I do that, I always feel better–hope you do too.
In the dating marathon of 2006, I have a feeling you will win. Drat.
hey, velvet.. you don’t need to explain your actions.. you made a decision and did what felt right.. and yeah, i do feel that things got a little blown out of proportion on the last blog (i’m saying this ’cause of your last comment)..
it’s good to see so many people cared and tried to help out.. and in the end no matter what choices you make, we’ll keep on reading..
anyway, i think things went very well with both guys.. you decided to reconnect and what happened? it worked.. felt good, huh?
still, there’s no way of knowing what’s gonna happen with CL#4 (whose messages i found very cute too), so it’s smart to keep your options open..
Cube – Thank you!! I know that none of us bloggers know you, but we all hold you in very high esteem. Your opinion counts a lot. What I had to rationalize last night was this: If I end up looking like an ass, then only the guy really knows about it. It’s not like he can tell 1000 people. Uh, unless he has a blog and uses my real name.
Siryn – If you saw #2 you would have been calling him too. I believe in the pretense of the book wholeheartedly, but, sometimes it just doesn’t work in the real world.
Mandy – Thanks for tuning in from half way around the world! Agreed on the tool part. We can only hope. He’s an IT person – I chalk part of this up to just being a little, well, reclusive.
Stef – You make a good point about maybe he sensed I was in a difficult mood. We can sure wait and see I suppose!
Jamy – Thanks on the first part. And, there’s still time on the Dating Race. And believe me – dating more men doesn’t equate to a win. It just means more gray hair in December.
Might I say to the five of you: You keep incredible hours at the helm of your computers. My late post was due in part to the late texts and to my subsequent tossing and turning afterward.
Marie – I was responding when you were commenting so we crossed paths. Thanks. And I guess I felt a little backed into a corner yesterday because it seemed as though some people were thinking I was this needy girl clinging to his feet. Do you have a blog or are you just a reader?
Velv — No shit from me. You’re about as far from needy as anybody I know; you just wanted to know what the hell happened. My lone match.com date actually did this to me over the summer – he wrote an email that said:
So, just for fun, what happened? Not that it really matters, but just
for curiousity sake…
You’re moving to Egypt regardless so I’ll never see you again, so you might
as well be honest. Here are some options.
I never called back because…
I got hit by a bus/car/bicycle
I lost my phone and also forgot my email password until just recently
I think you are, at best, a 4 on the 1-10 scale
I had a belly dancing accident and am now horribly disfigured
I met someone else and just don’t have time
You are so funny that I am worried that I would laugh and Pepsi would come
out my nose. I would like to avoid that.
Other – please specify
Frankly, it cracked me up and we went out one more time. Then I remembered why I’d stopped responding to begin with. 😉
it’s funny how the effing book has infiltrated (at least in my world) every thought and potential action and analysis…whether i want it to or not, whether i listen to it or not. at the time it seemed great. but, in reality, it puts all the power with him, makes every decision his to make. i don’t want to be the better person and accept this. i want to make the decisions.
good job with the “did you die” comments…might try that one out.
1. Regardless of my previously expressed opinions, I think you did the right thing and handled it well.
2. Of course his phone accepts incoming calls. SO DOES YOURS. I’m bothered by his response. He puts the onus on you, which puts the control in his hands. Not gentlemanly, not cool, usually a red flag for insecurity and/or thoughtlessness. Call me old-fashioned, but I think the man should pursue the woman. Or failing that, at least strive for balance in communications.
I hope I’m wrong and he turns out to be Prince Charming… and he was simply trapped under his white horse until your enchanted text message set him free. You deserve the best.
RC – I love him! Should I date him? Wait, why did you stop going out with him?
Lala – You’re right. So right. Damn book. Started a cult and made us women a bunch of bitches.
AW – I’m giggling at your comment because I sat there last night thinking: Ok, I could call him just so the effing games will stop, or I could not call and make him call. Either way, it’s starting to suck from where I’m sitting!
Go to bed. We’ll talk. WTF?
I’d like to make a point about “the book”. It started on a Sex in the City episode (in know everyone knows this), and all the women on set thought the idea was So Great that it should be turned into a book. Has anyone seen the episode? The whole He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You thing turns out to be wrong, wrong, wrong. Miranda gets it wrong – the guy is into her but she blows him off. In one single episode the idea is born and then it dies. I say R.I.P.
I say, if you need to call, call. Glad you checked your recycling bin!
I told you that you should make contact. It’s all about the closure. THere’s someone who I would like closure with, but I don’t want to call/email because it will just make me upset. When I don’t care anymore, that’s when I want to run into her someplace and ask her why she is such a psycho.
funny you should ask ’cause just yesterday i finally opened a blogger account (i’ve been thinking about it for a while) but still haven’t posted anything..
‘At least I can say I tried.’ Exactly! And while I hate texting as well, I think you did the right thing in that situation. Kudos to you, no matter what happens.
YOU ARE AWESOME! I love this blog!
I realise I am taking a chance, but platitudes are not in your best interests.
‘I’m trying to release some of my control issues’
When you release all of them, you will be able to move on from the crippling ‘teenage angst’ the Western culture enslaves both men and woman with. You will be emotionally ravaged after having done so, but, you will be open for the correct paramour when he presents. In general, it takes westernised women until they are 35 +/- to slough off the crap their culture has instilled in them. My wife would say that westernised males NEVER grow up! Then again, she was prone to a bit of hyperbole, she was.
I had a really good snark on the:
‘I’m not getting any younger’
line, but I bit my lip, I did.
Good for you. I am glad you did it. It’s so easy to dish out the what we should do advice, when damn near every female on here knows she’d be wanting to find out as well (no offense meant to the ladies who offered advice not to call…..you know what I mean though).
Curiosity is human nature and I hate that damn fucking book. I own it, but I laughed my ass off while reading it. Actually, I might write some shit up on it over the next few weeks. For entertainment purposes only of course since it should be our ‘bible’. Ha.
you did what you thought was right. no regrets! i love that line about the recycling.
Pele – I always love your comments! I forgot the “book” started on SATC. It must have been the last season or two, right? Because the book is still relatively new.
Ninja – I know how you feel. I bump into an old flame a lot and it’s very uncomfortable.
Larissa & Sandra Dee – Thanks! 🙂
Bilious Pudenda – Well, now I know you’re a guy since you have a “wife.” Or at least I think you are…
CG – I can’t wait to see it.
SG – You’re baaack! It’s so nice to know you’re back!! And thanks.
pick me, Velvet!!!
me me me me!!!!
okay, your gray’s anatomy moment is over.
I had a wife. I am a widower now.
There’s a book?
I didn’t date him again because he didn’t offer to pay on the first date, and then drunk-dialed me a few days after that, AT 3:45 A.M. Not cool.
But, uh, yeah, you’re welcome to him, obvy. 😉
No no no. No more middle of the night callers. Velvet’s new sleeping hours are 12 midnight to 5:45 a.m. No disruptions (my dog screaming on the balcony at 3 a.m. included) are to occur.
I am trying my hand at an ‘el guapo’ style of post.
I would value your opinion.
It will be posted at 10:00 am DC time, Feb. 1, 2006.
Thank you in advance.
I support you! Fuck the Book!
You have to do what makes you feel better. For me, if I was stewing all weekend over some guy, I HAD to send a text/email because it made me feel back in control. Otherwise, you are letting him have the control in driving you mad. But if you say your peice, and he still doesnt reciprocate, then yes.. you have tried, and you can move on.
I love it when a woman chases me, its a huge turn on. Although, I cancelled my text messaging service years ago (its just too annoying, and companies started sending me text message spam) so I guess in this instance I’d be screwed. Anywho, screw the sexist book.
I know it’s my own personal aversion, but I loathe text messaging. It is so stupid and…high school.
I’ve seen that you have a big heart under that tough outer shell. When you do find the right guy, it’s going to be wonderful and you are going to have cute little Velvetinis!
You are a wonderful creature, and no book could sum up how to best read you. I learned just recently that the fairy tale is the ONE I WRITE, MOFO’s cause it’s my party.
I write the rules. Well, I CO-write the rules, with my playa.
I also write the songs that make the whole world sing.
Amen! I’m tired of playing games and am all about at least giving it a whirl.