Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Forget You High Society, I’m Soaking It In Kerosene

I was squeezing in a quick walk with the dogs before running out. I saw the one who makes the heart skip a beat.

I walked outside my building and saw him across the street. He saw me. He actually probably saw me before I saw him because by the time I caught his eye, he was looking away. It seems he was slinking by my building hoping I wouldn’t come out. And there I was. You can’t fuck with fate little fucker.

I was stunned. He was only across the street from me. But then, I focused my eyes on the girl he was with. It all happened so fast. Eyes. Girl. Trainwreck.

From the back she looked like a cheap prostitute. She was wearing acid washed skintight jeans that are trying to make their way back into style. (May that never happen.) This was a girl who should not have left the house in this outfit sans a check at the rear view. First, my disclaimer: I’m having my own issues with having gained an extra 15 lbs, so understand I mean no disrespect. She was exceptionally big in the middle. She had very skinny calves, which also threw the whole system out of check. Again, we all have our body issues, but we don’t find it necessary to pour ourselves into jeans tight enough to spot camel toe. I sure as hell don’t. But wait, there’s more.

From the back, I could see she had bangs, a la 1982. Spiky and hairsprayed up and sort of feathered. You know if I can tell you have bangs from behind, there’s a problem. You know how they say Astronauts can see the bright lights of Vegas from space? Well, add this chicks bangs to that list. She was wearing black suede boots that have NEVER been in style, over the jeans which made the whole outfit look weirder. Forget being stunned at seeing him, I was more stunned to see that his girlfriend basically has zero in the way of class and fashion sense. But wait, there’s more.

When he realized I was across the street, he hid behind her. (Uh, it wasn’t hard…the hair…the puffy coat.) He got incredibly uncomfortable and tried to cross the street against the light. He started fidgeting and making moves to continue walking, despite the stream of cars. As the light turned, and they crossed, I saw her put her arm around him. The whole scene looked awkward. My usual thought would be that he was trying to get away from having to deal with me. But, based on the disaster that was his girlfriend, that seemed the more likely scenario.

I always thought deep down inside that the reason we weren’t together was that I wasn’t classy enough for him. He seemed to like the finer things in life. After spending an on and off 8 months with him, watching him toss money at the most expensive stores and restaurants, be so particular about what he wore, dressing up all the time, I fell into that trap too. While I had long ago kissed shopping at the Limited goodbye, I paid a lot more attention to what I wore. I stopped going out of the house looking like a trainwreck. Apparently none of that mattered, as evidenced by the above. And apparently I became a woman far beyond what he wants.

I now have a totally different perspective. On all of it. I wish you all could have seen me with my jaw on the sidewalk as I witnessed this scene. Ladies and gentlemen, I think this saga is over. It was 8 months of dating followed by 12 months of pining away for him, bumping into him, almost running him over in my car, dreaming about him. It seems, my friends, that I created someone in my mind who may not even exist.

I’m really learning lessons left and right over here. Left and right. By the way dude, make sure you look left and right before you try to jump out in traffic to get away from me.

1 Comment

  1. Velvet

    HomeI’mprovementNinja said…
    Meeeoooooow!!! 😉

    Actually, this is a positive thing. THe second best way to get over someone is to see them with someone who is busted ugly. The BEST way is for them to see you with someone who is hotter than them. If you like, I can lend you a H.I.Ninja mask that you can make CL New Jersey wear so that you can “accidentally” run into chris again.

    Yeah…I should proll’y sell those masks on my website, you know so that chicks can get revenge on their exes, or so that ugly guys can get lucky at Ozio. But I dunno; that’s sorta’ like using my powers for evil. That’s bad mojo, isn’t it?

    2/06/2006 10:06:19 AM

    Washington Cube said…
    Sad bit of business. And if he’s ashamed of his new girlfriend, poor her, as well.

    2/06/2006 10:30:10 AM

    Kayla said…
    I am having severe flashbacks to 8th grade and the “smoking lounge” outside of my middle/high school… I see leather, fringe, acid wash and a closet full of aqua net. Is that Warrant playing in the background?! That is a tasty bit of good karma thrown your way… seeing something like that is a reminder that you were the one with all of the class … it seems to me as though HE is trying to create (in himself) someone who doesn’t even exist… I am still laughing at the visual (and holding a lighter above my head while listening to Monster Rock Ballads)…

    2/06/2006 11:14:01 AM

    Bilious Pudenda said…
    You are wrong Velvet, you cunt!

    ‘And apparently I became a woman far beyond what he wants.’

    Assuming he is an American male, you may have exhibited a persona of self confidence, far beyond what he is emotionally mature enough to accept.

    ‘It seems, my friends, that I created someone in my mind who may not even exist.’

    This is a phenomena that manifests when intelligent women have no choice but to date dullards.

    Two back-handed compliments today!

    2/06/2006 11:14:41 AM

    Velvet said…
    Ninja – NJ doesn’t need a mask! He’s a hottie.

    Cube – Yes, it seems that way, doesn’t it?

    Kayla – You CRACK me up! She’s my Cherry Pie…..Yes, the sight was frightening.

    BP – You have tried so hard to make the DC bloggers hate you. And yet, you make me laugh every time you comment. I shall be watching that web-cam in hopes of gaining a glimpse at your Canadian-hotness.

    2/06/2006 11:24:54 AM

    Stef said…
    Well, I hope this is the moment that ripped the band-aid off and now you can forget about him forever and live your own fabulous, too-good-for-him life. Sometimes all you need is a horrible visual to wipe away any lingering attraction. 😉

    2/06/2006 11:48:17 AM

    AsianMistress said…
    Haha at least she wasn’t hot and model like. 🙂

    2/06/2006 12:21:19 PM

    Larissa said…
    what an ass! that’s so immature of him. glad you’re uh kicking him to the curb. bad pun i know!

    2/06/2006 12:40:39 PM

    always write said…
    Apparently he was the one who felt undeserving. And now he’s found a more comfortable pairing. I always compare my ex breaking up with me to being kicked off the Titanic before it left port. Congratulations, girl — you escaped by the skin of your teeth.

    2/06/2006 01:38:43 PM

    Bilious Pudenda said…
    I am not trying to get everyone to hate me. I am engaging in what could be called: ‘winnowing the chaff’
    Those to whom nature has been unkind in endowing with levity will take flight with the wind, revealing the nuggets of self confident and intelligent people.
    Alas, the males and ‘teenagers’ went quite early! Shame about the males( but then again, the average American male doesn’t mature until he is 40, and often, not even then!), but I’m happy about the ‘teens’

    You be a nugget Velvet, Ya Cunt!

    2/06/2006 01:39:37 PM

    meghansdiscontent said…
    Bilious nailed it.
    Intelligent women DO turn men into what they want/need/desire in their own minds because we can’t find what we really want/need/desire.

    As for your Chris – if I had been seen with that fashion atrocity (male version, of course) I would be trying to throw myself into traffic, as well. ACID WASHED??? Bangs?? What the shit is next? Tight-rolling our pants? Knotting our shirts at the bottom corners? Three pairs of slouch socks? (though, from your description, the boots seemed to replace the slouch socks)

    Good riddance to bad rubbish – and this covers fashion, the train wreck your ex was with and your ex.

    2/06/2006 02:52:14 PM

    Crazy Girl City said…
    In your mind, it’s easy to think someone is larger than life due to rejection. I mean why else would they not want to be with us? They MUST be better. But, yeah, not really the case all the time.

    2/06/2006 03:14:08 PM

    SomeGuyInDC said…
    HA! That’s excellent. I would have walked right up to him and chatted as if you were friends, forcing him to introduce you.

    On Meghan’s point:

    “Intelligent women DO turn men into what they want/need/desire.”

    I think it works both ways. Intelligent men do the same. Of course, if that man is still has fratboy levels of maturity, what he wants/need/desires might be wearing acid washed jeans three sizes too small.


    2/06/2006 03:42:04 PM

    Jessie said…
    WOW that is nuts. I think we all have a tendency that when we are rejected by someone we thinkg the problem is US. ie. not pretty enough, not skinny enough, wrong colour of hair, wrong job – whatever. I think on some level we almost want there to be something identifiably wrong so we can perhaps ‘fix’ it. But, as is more often the case, the people doing the rejection are just fuckwits and no one bloody knows what their logic (or lack-there-of) is.

    2/06/2006 03:44:21 PM

    Johnny said…
    Isnt it tragic. The heart has a tough time figuring out that the guy you loved isnt really that guy anymore. Logically, it makes plain sense. The heart though, is addicted to that drug and wants it back. But its gone, baby. Gone.

    2/06/2006 04:03:38 PM

    bigtone88 said…
    I’m surprised that you were able to see him with all that hair next to him, the image brought back memories of a Poison concert and the big hair. What is next, those hypercolor shirts and legwarmers.

    2/06/2006 04:36:59 PM

    Siryn said…
    The 80s are making a comeback…

    2/06/2006 06:36:55 PM

    playfulindc said…
    Here’s a diddy for ya: I thought the reason my ex ignored me was because he liked the thin ones. I was a 10. Then, I found out he cheating. Online that is. His next live girlfriend was pushing 300.

    It wasn’t you, my dear Velvet…it WAS him.

    2/06/2006 07:46:41 PM

    Carrie Broadshoulders said…
    I looked damn good in those acid washed jeans and you KNOW it.


    I cannot WAIT until I catch my ex with someone less attractive than me. I will laugh and laugh.

    What do you do if the other person is actually hot though? That’s my fear.

    2/06/2006 09:04:58 PM

    Velvet said…
    Stef & AM – I know. If she was a babe, I would have died. Completely died.

    Thanks Larissa!

    AW – Hilarious. Titanic. Damn I love you. Ovaries, giant penises, sinking ships. What will you think of next.

    BP – I thought you were in rehab, er…on vacation. I checked that webcam, but it doens’t work! Thanks for the compliment, I think.

    MeghanD – The Cuff and Roll! Shit I forgot about that. And a brief time where I tucked my jeans into my slouch socks. Damn the 80’s.

    CG – I know, and it only took me a year of pining away. I seriously thought when I saw him again, he would be with Gisele Bundchen or something. I was wrong. Way wrong.

    Someguy – if I wasn’t walking my damn dogs off a leash in the middle of Dupont Circle, I probably could have walked right up to him and said hi. Believe me, I wanted to get a better look at that girl.

    Jessie – That’s very true. And in many cases, we never know what it was about ourselves that someone didn’t like. No one actually says, “I like blondes only, and I just gave this a chance with you and your dark hair, but it didn’t work.”

    Johnny! A non sex, non x-rated comment! I’m so proud…wiping away a tear. Is this because I rewarded you with prime Brianna pix today?

    Bigtone – Every Rose has it’s Thorn, right?

    Siryn – NO! NOOOOO!!!! And you’re in NY, the forefront of all things trendy and fashionable. Please make it stop!

    Playful – Aww….thanks. I had this analogy of me being Juliette Lewis back in the Brad Pitt days, and how he traded up and up and up, but I can’t make that analogy make sense right now.

    Carrie – I know. I was lucky she was a tramp. When I described her to my friend, he said, “Did he take his maid out on the town?” It really was that bad. I must say, I didn’t get a look at her face. I would love to bump into them again. Love love love.

    2/06/2006 09:25:36 PM

    Barbara said…
    Just cross him off forever and move on! Heard anything new from NJ?

    2/06/2006 11:27:01 PM

    tilda said…
    Haha h poor guy! Maybe he’s just really insecure, since he likes the finer things in life… some guys need to go out with people they consider to be ‘below them’, which you my darling are not!!

    2/07/2006 09:26:32 AM

    JuJu Bean said…
    After a bad break-up, a friend once told me that the best revenge is happiness – in work, friends, life, etc. But your story makes it very clear to me that seeing your ex with a butt-ugly freak chick is pretty great, too. I guess the difference in the two revenges is that one depends on you, and the other on him!

    2/07/2006 09:32:08 AM

    I-66 said…
    Did you just quote a country song? I think I’m getting dizzy…

    2/07/2006 09:34:59 AM

    cupcakegrrl said…
    I can’t decide what’s better: if he knew that she looked like a trainwreck and was mortified to be seen with her, or if he DIDN’T and thinks she looks hot.

    At any rate, I love that you won that round. Not with him, with Fate and the way it deals out self-esteem wild cards sometimes. (In reference to your saying that if she’d been hot, you would have died.)

    I’m sort of back. Missed reading you. Computer got messed up in the move so it’s hit or miss.

    2/07/2006 02:37:16 PM

    jade said…
    Yo. This is insane. Your issues with #4NJ parallel mine with a certain boy… So, I’m pulling for him, because I figure, whatever you’re doing right, I’ll try it too.

    And for Chris and the ex… well, sometimes you need a moment like that to remind you of what you already know.

    2/07/2006 06:55:30 PM

    Joey said…
    Good, so now you can move on an be over with him. He deserves that little whore and you can do so much better.

    2/07/2006 09:21:05 PM

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