Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

‘Bout to Get Too Far Gone

You all will be happy to know that Velvet’s back in the game. I’ve had a very productive weekend with the girls and frankly, I’m ready to get back to the boys. (A little too much estrogen if you get my drift.)

I’ve been harboring a Craigslister on the back burner for weeks now. Basically since the end of NewJersey, that pompous arrogant motherfucker, I’ve been talking to a very nice boy. Anyway, I have yet to come up with a name for this one, but he’s five (count them) five years younger than I am. I’ve never dated someone so young. We’re going out tomorrow. So there will be a date update hopefully Wednesday. It’s almost April, and I’m way off pace with the dating as compared to last year.

In other news, I had my fabulous tattoo added to last week. Now I have half a back of artwork. Nice. But it itches, so if anyone has a scratching post they can drop by my house, that would be greatly appreciated.

This past weekend I reached a point of drunken debauchery that I haven’t seen in ages. And I mean, ages. Just know that when I drink, I get so ballsy. I’m like a more fun version of myself, but this was bad. I managed to steal a drink from every poor schlub who came up to the bar to order a round, thereby ensuring we would continue to drink for free. Then when that got old, I started tossing the bar garnish fruit around like peanuts at a hoedown. An olive landed on someone’s shirt, and he just picked it off and ate it, as if his shirt was a natural place for an olive to hang out. And two more olives made their way into some man’s pocket who had backed his ass up to us at the bar. Olive Tapenade when it’s made inside someone’s pocket? Yum.

I’ve had some other issues with my blog being plagiarized and used to make money, but it’s so not even worth talking about some man in the Ukraine with a tiny penis so I’ll let it go.


  1. Siryn

    Maybe you’re just a little evil. It’s in all of us.

  2. Kayla

    Oh, ms. ballsy, don’t fret about not being able to knock the captains hat off… Personally, I thought the reign oops I mean RAIN of terror (well, we were about to leave and you had a lot of olives left) at the end was simply superb! And, you know if that guy had been cute, I would have taken him home and eaten the olive tapenade right out of his pants… grrr..

  3. always write

    Hey baby, there’s olive tapenade in my pocket. Care to take a dip?

  4. chicgirl

    you go girl with the 5 year younger man – how about 15 (haha). I think banana hammock guy is cute & looks very fun. I hope it is him. You could tie the knot!

  5. Bilious Pudenda

    Kayla and Velvet. I have some smegma (A sebaceous secretion, especially the cheesy secretion that collects under the prepuce or around the clitoris.)tapenade with your names on it. I apologise for having to include the definition of ‘smegma’, as I realise you all know what it is, but Velvet is an illiterate cunt and it is her blog after all. Prepuce is the fucking foreskin on a cock, Velvet. A cock is that dangly thing betwixt the male legs. One day you’ll get to see one.

  6. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    You’re not wild. I dared you to pick up a Maryland man on Friday night and you refused. Chicken.

  7. dutchess

    Good luck with the date with the puppy! Last night I went out with my med student who is 5 years younger than I am (shhh.. I havent told him how old I really am) we ended up at a stip club on Wisconsin Ave. yikes. hope your date goes better than mine did! & btw love the new blogsite

  8. MappyB

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new template. Question – how do you get your URL to be your blog name, with no .blogspot, .blogs, or whatever at the end? I want it!

    Bilious Pudenda makes me gag. 🙂

  9. Sandra Dee

    Velvet – do you have an rss feed for this new blog?

  10. Velvet

    Siryn – Even you??

    Kayla – I FORGOT about the captain’s hat. I should never be allowed to drink doubles again.

    AW – I bet it was goooood.

    Chicgirl – Nope, it ain’t Mr. Banana Hammock. The guy is a remaining Craigslister from a batch I baked long ago.

    BP – I so enjoy your comments that make me out to be a naive, innocent virgin.

    RC – Did you SEE those men I had to choose from? Which were you hoping I would pick up? They guy with the fake leg who was muttering bible verses to himself or the drunkard contemplating stealing a Sheriff’s car? Oh wait, that last one was you.

    Duchess – Aah, you went to Good Guys. Nice!! I’ve been thrown out of a strip bar before. Yes, it’s true.

    MappyB – First, buy a domain name. Second, don’t look in Bilious Pudenda’s direction again. Now you’ve enacted his wrath, and you’ll probably be sorry. Look what I have to endure. I feel bad for him though – his penis was caught in a woodchipper many years ago and he pisses in a bag now.

    SandraDee – No feed, because I found out that people were getting my blog through the feed, slapping ads on it and making themselves enough money to buy a gallon of milk in their poor Ukranian country. I’m not in the business of supporting people in third world countries.

  11. Mr. BananaHammock

    I get all tingly when my name is mentioned. Maybe “Blue” Velvet is more appropriate?

  12. bejeweled

    Oooh, oooh, I’ve got this one. 5 years younger? Girl, I’ve got one 6 years younger. What is it about the younger generation? It makes me laugh the first time I saw his driver’s license. His birth year was 1981. I couldn’t believe it…

    And you got another tattoo! My hero. I got my third butterfly last year to signify my 30th birthday. I have a cluster of butterflies on my lower back and I love them! Sorry I can’t help out with the scratching though…

  13. playfulindc

    Younger men…hmm. Let me know how that goes,. 🙂

    Seems like you’re finally REALLY having fun. The scale has tipped, my friend!

  14. meghansdiscontent

    You are not EVIL!

    New date?
    Younger man?
    Hmmm hmmm hmmm.
    Very excited for you.

  15. homeimprovementninja

    Hey! I read the article about the soviet guy stealing content. Unfrigginbelievable!

    Great new layout though. I gotta figure out how to add the new site to my bloglines. (Yes, I’m that technogically retarded).

  16. bilious pudenda

    You promised you’d never tell! You could have at least mentioned the damage done to the woodchipper. You cunt!

  17. Jenn

    I thought you might have the inside information on what happened to RC’s blog? Her name has already been taken over by someone from Sapulpa, OK…

  18. Rhinestone Cowgirl

    Yo peeps… I pulled the blog because of privacy concerns. I haven’t decided whether to keep writing elsewhere or not yet; we’ll see. 🙂

  19. Jenn

    Understandable…For what it’s worth, I was always entertained and frequently very intrigued by the blog. Good luck with the new apartment and the wonderful man!

  20. Velvet

    BP – There was no damage to the woodchipper. It only got through to the first blade. Your penis didn’t make it in there very far.

    Kisses from Velvet. And a kiss for your nubby unit too.

  21. bilious pudenda

    Even as a nubby 7 1/4″, it could still choke an American filly. Please note: those are Canadian inches. Not unlike the US Gallon/I’mperial Gallon difference.

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