Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Excuse Me While I Tend To How I Feel

Dear BH,

You are crawling inside my heart. I have absolutely no idea how this is happening. After the last one who got inside, ever so briefly, I fired the guards, hired new ones, built a moat and added several man-eating alligators and crocodiles. I have a whole new security system in place, guarding all points of entry into the heart, and yet, there you are.

Friday, after the arrival of the crazy Velvet family was complete, you called while I was walking the loves of my life. I called back, got voicemail, and left a message assuming you were doing some heavy drinking after the week you just endured. You called back while I was in the hotel dropping Gloom and Doom Mom and Dad off for the first night of their two night stay. I answered your call – in front of my parents!!! I never do shit like that. I prefer to keep my life secret from them, and you know, just write it here on the blog for the rest of the world to see I suppose. Anyway, I told you I would call you back when I got home. And my brother said, “Nice smile on your face. Who was that? A boy?” I said, “Maybe.” My mom said, “Of course it was, look at her face.”

I could hardly contain myself waiting to be alone so I could call you back. I was jumping out of my skin.

Having a conversation with you when you were tipsy and I was painfully sober was soooooo fun. Do you remember asking me to go over to your house? I said, “I can’t, my brother is here.” You said that you were jealous of my brother for getting to spend time with me, and that you wanted me all for yourself. We talked about spending the upcoming weekend together, and you said, “Next Friday, and the Friday after that.” Damn. Damn damn damn.

Last night you said that cooking me dinner is on your list of things to do. You are too sweet. This just feels so good, and yet, I can’t help but think that the other shoe has to drop. It’s too good. You’re too good. I’ve had so many bad dates over the years. I’ve had so many crazy experiences with men. I’m not yet convinced that you won’t become yet another of those in a long list of failures, but I have hope. I have hope because you couldn’t possibly be this good at being someone I could see sticking around for a while.

Kisses and throwing caution to the wind,


  1. I-66

    No pessimism. No regrets. No worries.


  2. Mr. Banana Hammmock

    He sounds needy. And gay.

  3. DCOE


    How exciting — I love reading these types of posts. While your dating horror stories proved amusing, it is so much better to see you really enjoying someone. 🙂

  4. Velvet

    I66 – Say, what?

    Stop that Mr. BH! He’s not gay! Damn.

    DCOE – Thanks.

  5. Kayla

    You go on all of those shitty dates for a reason.. when someone good finally does come around (wheaties), you appreciate it that much more… (and hells bells, you have earned it!!)…

    You know, just don’t let him meet certain friends of yours.. they have been known to scare some men… possibly because they are quite animated and tell/act out crazy stories (all true)… not that I know anyone like this… or that I am even like this…. I swear… really….

  6. Sharkbait

    I love this!

    You obviously are having a blast, and enjoy it. I agree with Kayla, and you’ve had the bad dates to find what you don’t like and know what you do like. Sounds like man friend here has many things that you do like.

  7. cosmic shambles

    I think I am going to be sick.

  8. Sandra Dee

    Whatwhat. You rockstar!

  9. bilious pudendum

    Velvet – You want I should keep that kraken kayla occupied while you wallow in the bliss of requited love?
    BH – Needy and gay?

  10. Washington Cube

    Wow. The agony and the ectasy. All in one weekend. Velvet. You’re becoming Biblical.

  11. Washington Cube

    …and I misspelled ecstasy, which shows you how truly “off” I am. Lé heavy sigh.

  12. Siryn

    I. lurv. this. LURV IT!


  13. Anonymous

    Velvet + Mr. Banana Hammock. You’re not fooling anyone, ya know.

  14. Deecee Batchleret

    What you meant to say was extispicy Ms. Washington Cube.

  15. Deecee Batchleret

    Dear Anonymous. She was fooling me! I’m sucking his cock, he ain’t strayin’ after that. I’m available.

  16. Velvet

    Did someone leave the glue open in here?

  17. Velvet

    Anon –
    Why don’t you actually put your real name on your comments? I mean, if you are so sure you have something to say, why not stand behind it with your name? Because all I’ve got right now is your IP Address and where you have been writing from…Level 3 Communications. It would be so nice to put a name to that comment, wouldn’t it?

  18. Drunken Chud

    yay drunken romantic wordsmithing. hehehehe. be sure to let us know when the other shoe drops. i imagine a drunken post of epic proportions. heh.

  19. Toya

    I love romance!

  20. I-66


  21. Sharkbait

    Ugh Anon seriously-man enough to put it out there, but not man enough to put your name with it.

    Why bother

  22. siryn

    I know that Velvet puts a lot down in this blog, but she doesn’t put everything in it. It would be very easy to have someone on the back burner. That said, unless you have something a little more concrete (like a picture), it might be wise to shut your trap, Anon.

  23. Tyler

    Yay Velvet!!

  24. Pele

    If I have my chronology correct – he may have already slipped inside the gates BEFORE the extra security was installed… Tha’s one explanation. Gald to hear things are going so well!

  25. Scarlet

    I understand what answering in front of the parents means. That’s awesome!

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